Our friends at EverythingIsTerrible always dig up the best stuff (in fact, it was they who first introduced me to the Arnold in Rio video referenced in the previous post, something for which I can never repay them), and this latest video is no different. Nowadays, Kirk Cameron is known the world over as a Subway sandwich-loving evolution denier who can prove the existence of God using nothing but a banana and a tasteful sweater. But back when this video, “Sex, Lies, & the Truth,” produced by James Dobson’s Focus on the Family was made, he was just a fresh-faced young abstinence promoter, traveling the world in hip Birkenstocks and sinfully short shorts, trying to reach America’s at-risk youth. YOUR ATHLETIC THIGHS ARE LEADING ME UNTO TEMPTATION, KIRK CAMERON! Oh well, even Christian soldiers are allowed the occasional youthful indiscretion.

Let’s take a look at the video, which is fantastic.

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In a bizarre collision of the actor Godless hipsters love to love ironically and the religious wingnuts favorite film franchise, Nic Cage, the man who once rode his motorcycle out of hell, is set to lead a group of survivors to

Nicolas Cage is in negotiations to topline “Left Behind,” a mainstream reboot of the Christian-themed movie trilogy that will mark the first film from Stoney Lake Entertainment, a new production company led by Paul Lalonde of faith-oriented banner Cloud Ten Pictures.
The “Left Behind” franchise is based on the series of books written by Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins that have sold more than 65 million copies worldwide.
Lalonde will produce the action thriller with Michael Walker, and co-write the script with John Patus, who wrote 2005′s “Left Behind: World at War.”
Project, budgeted in the $15 million range, was shopped at last year’s American Film Market. Production is expected to begin in early spring with an eye toward wide release in the fourth quarter of 2013. Lalonde told Variety that there is a theatrical guarantee in place from distributor Samuel Goldwyn Films.
The Christian-themed “Left Behind” reboot will follow a group of survivors during the first few hours after the Rapture. [Variety]

On an overseas flight to London, journalist Buck Williams and pilor Rayford Steele are caught in the middle of the most incredible event in history, as without warning dozens of passengers have simply vanished! It soons become apparent that this was not an isolated incident and there are millions of people missing. As chaos and anarchy engulf the world, both men set out on different paths in a desperate search for answers. [Original Left Behind Synopsis]

Yikes. The Rapture, of course, is the Biblical event in which all the true believers spontaneously fly up to Heaven while the sinners fight it out on a post-apocalyptic Earth, buttf*cking each other and listening to AC/DC. Well, I guess it’s sort of fitting that Nic Cage star in a cautionary tale. And if anything can turn people off faith-based entertainment, it’s constant, Nic Cage freakout tantrums.

“Crucify him again, Pontius! His soul is still dancing.”

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Just a reminder that it was one year ago today that Kirk Cameron celebrated his 41st birthday with 42 inches of Subway sandwich in a sad birthday celebration seen ’round the world. Most recently, he’s been on a speaking tour of fundamentalist “colleges” screening his documentary, Monumental, stopping occasionally to outrage the gays with his views on homosexuality (honestly, we all know what he thinks already, stop asking him). But I have no outrage to stoke, I’m just here to commemorate the man’s birthday, and give you the heads up so you can celebrate him in your own way, perhaps wish him well if you see him at Subway – where winners eat! Here’s to hoping Belinda is actually allowed to eat some this year, provided she still works here.

SANDWICHES ARE FOR CLOSERS, BELINDA! SLOTH IS A SIN!

WHY CAN’T YOU AT LEAST TRY TO MAKE YOURSELF LOOK NICE BEFORE YOU COME TO WORK, LIKE CAROLINE HERE?! STAY OUTSIDE AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU’VE DONE!

Poor Belinda.

[thanks for the reminder, Morton]

One of our more memorable posts last year was the above picture of Kirk Cameron, seen celebrating his 41st birthday with a crappy cake, two chicks and 42 inches of Subway – though of course the chicks were fully clothed and one of them wasn’t even allowed in the room. THAT’S WHAT YOU GET, BELINDA! FOR THE LAST TIME, THE DIXIE CHICKS ARE SECULAR! Though Cameron’s friends would later try to claim the party was actually super fun and everyone came, Belinda’s face had already told us everything we needed to know. Kirk Cameron’s birthday party was sad, lame, and terrible.

Well today we’ve got a new challenger to the crappy birthday crown, in the form of Minor Threat and Fugazi front man Ian McKaye. WTOP in DC has the account of McKaye’s 50th birthday surprise party in DC, attended by and featuring performances from people from the 70s and 80s hardcore scene. “But that doesn’t sound so bad!” I bet you’re thinking. Well, remember that Ian McKaye is also a vegan teetotaler. In addition to a punk icon turning 50.

The party was thrown Saturday night by Amy Farina – MacKaye’s wife and bandmate in The Evens, and Jeff Nelson – MacKaye’s former bandmate in Minor Threat and co-owner of Dischord. “It was a heavily guarded secret,” reports one invitee.

Surprise party. That’s worth at least one suck point. “Oh, sorry, honey, I didn’t have any of your cool friends’ phone numbers so I just invited a bunch of people from my work.”

The emailed invite requested guests not bring presents for MacKaye, who throughout his career has insisted on low prices for his bands’ concerts and records.

No presents. Let’s call that two more suck points.

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Kirk Cameron is worried about where this country’s headed. Not only is our president a part-negroid socialist who burns bibles to keep pagan babies warm, hardly anyone came to Kirk’s birthday party (except Belinda- GO OUTSIDE BELINDA! Sandwiches aren’t for sinners! I heard you humming that Dixie Chicks song!). That’s why Kirk is on a journey through history to find out what made America great once. Specifically, he tours the alternate history version of the 80s as envisioned by Ronald Reagan fan-fiction, and the part of the Founding Father story that doesn’t mention that almost none of them were Christians. This journey is chronicled in Kirk’s new documentary, Monumental, the trailer for which you can watch below.

But who am I kidding? The real draw is Kirk Cameron and his incredible reaction shots. No one wordlessly conveys humility before Christ like Kirk Cameron. He should become the Andy Serkis of Christian movies, where WETA uses Kirk Cameron covered in performance-capture censors to imbue each performer with the spirit of Jesus. It’s just too bad those black tights are a sin. Not to mention pre-marital mo-cap.

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