Kirk Cameron is worried about where this country’s headed. Not only is our president a part-negroid socialist who burns bibles to keep pagan babies warm, hardly anyone came to Kirk’s birthday party (except Belinda- GO OUTSIDE BELINDA! Sandwiches aren’t for sinners! I heard you humming that Dixie Chicks song!). That’s why Kirk is on a journey through history to find out what made America great once. Specifically, he tours the alternate history version of the 80s as envisioned by Ronald Reagan fan-fiction, and the part of the Founding Father story that doesn’t mention that almost none of them were Christians. This journey is chronicled in Kirk’s new documentary, Monumental, the trailer for which you can watch below.

But who am I kidding? The real draw is Kirk Cameron and his incredible reaction shots. No one wordlessly conveys humility before Christ like Kirk Cameron. He should become the Andy Serkis of Christian movies, where WETA uses Kirk Cameron covered in performance-capture censors to imbue each performer with the spirit of Jesus. It’s just too bad those black tights are a sin. Not to mention pre-marital mo-cap.

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Last week, we posted this now-infamous photo of Kirk Cameron’s birthday party. It was originally posted on Twitter by Christian Vlogger Lane Chapman, who didn’t provide much context. Naturally, we had to invent our own. Like that Kirk was celebrating his 41st birthday with 42 inches of Subway sandwiches (the extra inch represents “and many more”). Or that poor Belinda back there had to stand outside as punishment for accidentally humming a Fleetwood Mac song. (“Secular music is a sin, Belinda! Stay outside and think about what you’ve done!”).

Well now, some people who actually attended the birthday party have come forward to say that despite what the picture looks like, it was actually super fun and everyone came. Chapman, the original poster, wrote:

I posted the pic to wish Kirk happy birthday. Much of the media made their own conclusions which I do not share. Happy birthday, Kirk!

Meanwhile, some folks at Yahoo spoke to some others attendees to get the full story:

Cameron, who is now pursuing a new television career as a Christian evangelist and co-host of an evangelical show called “The Way of the Master,” spent his birthday at Living Waters Ministry in Bellflower, Calif. The ministry’s staff threw him a small party, and ordered from Subway. Lane Chaplin, a student at nearby Trinity Law School and a guest at the party, snapped a photo of Cameron blowing out the candles on a cake in Living Waters’ rather sparse conference room.

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(Thanks to John N for the photo)

This was our first week with the new commenting system. We’ve still got some upgrades to come with that, and at some point we may be able to decide our Comments of the Week winner through voting, but for now, we’re still stuck with the old method. Once again, the way that works is, you nominate your favorite comments throughout the week by copy and pasting them into the comments section below. You can always find the CoTW link on the sidebar to your right, or linked at the bottom of Morning Links.

Now then. I had to give Chareth Cutestory the nod this week for his comment in the post about the lady who sued Drive for not being enough like Fast and Furious. This is just an effective visual.

Chareth Cutestory says:
*smash cut to trial*
“Your Honor, please. Mr. Gosling should not be allowed to bring a kitten onto the witness stand.”
“…I’ll allow it.”
“But he even put a tiny little scorpion jacket on it!”
*bangs gavel*
“CASE DISMISSED.”

Meanwhile, showing what FilmDrunk is all about, Bubb Rubb gets the assist by creating the Photoshop:

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UPDATE: See below.

We don’t know much about this picture of Kirk Cameron, other than that it came from the Twitter of Christian video blogger Lane Chaplin, accompanied by the message “Happy Birthday, Kirk Cameron!”

Let’s infer that it’s Kirk Cameron, probably at his production offices, celebrating his birthday with Subway, the most Jesus-y of sandwiches. OOOH, AND CAN I GET EXTRA DRESSING TOO?? YAAAAAAY! I’M GONNA DIP IT IN ZESTY ITALIAN! THANKS HEAVENLY FATHER, THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!

I feel bad for poor Belinda back there, forced to wait outside the office door.

Silly, Belinda, cake is for birthday boys. Can’t you read the door?

(*forever alone*)

Poor Belinda. -via Buzzfeed

UPDATE: I just realized that Kirk Cameron turned 42, and there are 42 inches of sandwich on that table. Mother of God, this may have been even sadder than we thought.

This week saw two massive bird die offs, first 5,000 in Arkansas, then 500 in Louisiana.  Scientists don’t have an explanation yet, and that’s rough on CNN, because 24 hours of news programming is a lot to fill with, “Damn, homes. That’s messed up.”  What to do?  I know!  We’ll call Fireproof star Kirk Cameron!  He’s bound to have some crazy sh*t to say!  At least, that seemed to be the idea behind having Cameron on Anderson Cooper (either that or they both go to the same bath house). Only when Anderson asked him whether the bird deaths were a sign of the apocalypse, Cameron flipped the script, and actually sounded pretty sane.

Kirk Cameron is not your monkey, Anderson Cooper, he doesn’t even believe in evolution.

[are the birds the end times, Kirk Cameron?]

“Well, I first think that they ought to call a veterinarian, not me. You know, I’m not the religious conspiracy theorist go-to guy particularly. But I think it’s really kind of silly to try to equate birds falling out of the sky with some kind of an end-times theory.”

“That has more to do with pagan mythology [and not the apocalypse] — the directions the birds flew told some of the followers of those legends that the gods were either pleased or displeased with them. I think people just have a fascination with the religiously mysterious.” [via Moviefone]

“Look, Anderson, if you’re looking for someone to spout off some crackpot religious theory, you’ve got the wrong guy.  I don’t go in for a lot of that hocus pocus.  I’m just a hard-working fella who puts his pants on one leg at a time and believes the grooves on a banana are a code from God that disproves evolution, you know? I leave these conspiracy theories to somebody else.”

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