A Maniac in a Fartmobile: Reflections on Arnold, January Movies, and Metallica

Look, I know, it’s January. Reviewing a movie released in January is like trying to write a restaurant review about a package of Skittles. January is the Spanx under which movie studios hide their most embarrassing, flabby attempts at profit. You might as well have to sign a terms and conditions agreement on the way in, promising not to expect much or think about the film beyond something to occasionally grunt at while you hork down a paint bucket of cola. But fine, I like dumb things. Pass me the tack hammer and hit me with your finest catchphrase.

Lionsgate did their best to build buzz around The Last Stand like it was a real movie, hiring culty Korean director Kim Jee-woon (The Good, the Bad, the Weird) and sending Arnold Schwarzenegger on a goodwill tour that included a Reddit AMA and tank rides for Los Angeles film writers at a junket-carnival. But nothing Lionsgate can do will paper over the giant flashing light that says “PAYCHECK! PAYCHECK! PAYCHECK!” once the movie begins. The Last Stand plays like a commercial for a videogame meets a commercial for a car meets a trailer for “Arnold Schwarzenegger: Movie Star.” It’s both too dumb and not dumb enough.

[Read the rest at the Portland Mercury]

Today we have the trailer for The Last Stand, Korean director Kim Jee-woon’s US directorial debut starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, co-starring Johnny Knoxville, FilmDrunk BFF Jaimie Alexander, and Karl Hungus (Peter Stormare). The best part? I was able to obtain Arnold Schwarzenegger’s exclusive future DVD commentary.

Da screen. It’s green. Vhy is da screen green? Oh, it’s stahting. Okay, now heah you see da poleez men, dey ah blocking da road. Da Poleezman ah blocking da road because da criminal is coming, and da poleezmen, dey don’t want da criminal to get out becuss den dey will get avay. Okay, so now ve see da criminals, and da are carrying da guns, becuss dey want to break trough da barricade dat da poleez haff made. Dey don’t want da poleez men to catch dem, and dey ah breenging gunz becuss dey want to shoot da poleezmen and make dem moof out uf da way so zat dey can break trough it ant get away from dem. Oh, dey ah also vearing masks so dat da poleez men cannot see deir face. …Okay now dey ah shooting. Ouch! …I like da way dey broke trough dem there.

Okay, now heah I am een da dinah, becauz I am retiyahd, and I am telling da man ‘should be a qufiet zeekend,’ because I am retiyahd and dat’s vhat I am expecting da veekend to be like. And heah is me answering da phone. ‘Deah is a situasin,’ he is saying. …And heah I am drifing. I am drifing da… da.. vhat is it called? Da coahvette! Yes. I am drifing da coahvette ant it is spinning… And heah I am, I am gifing my badge to da man. I gif my badge to da man becuss I am about to do somesing crazy. …”Old,” ha ha, dat is funny. An da people ah looking at me like “Who eez dis guy?”

And heah I jump off da beelding. I am jumping off da beelding but I use da bad guy for da cooshin. Ow! And heah I am shooting… Pretty much da whole rest of dis I am shooting.

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After a seven-year hiatus (not counting his Expendables cameo) that saw him govern a state, and fill all his maids full of jizz (ALL ZA TIME I AM CUMMING!), Arnold Schwarzenegger is back doing movies. This morning he tweeted this picture from the set of Kim Jee-Woon‘s The Last Stand. From left, that’s Luis Guzmán (one of my favorite character actors of all time), Johnny Knoxville, the Austrian Oak himself, and FilmDrunk Fan Club President Jaimie Alexander (lookin’ good, miss lady!). I like to imagine Luis Guzmán keeps pronouncing her name “High-may.”

Schwarzenegger stars as Sheriff Owens, a man who has resigned himself to a life of fighting what little crime takes place in sleepy border town Sommerton Junction after leaving his LAPD post following a bungled operation that left him wracked with failure and defeat after his partner was crippled. After a spectacular escape from an FBI prisoner convoy, the most notorious, wanted drug kingpin in the hemisphere is hurtling toward the border at 200 mph in a specially outfitted car with a hostage and a fierce army of gang members. He is headed, it turns out, straight for Summerton Junction, where the whole of the U.S. law enforcement will have their last opportunity to make a stand and intercept him before he slips across the border forever. At first reluctant to become involved, and then counted out because of the perceived ineptitude of his small town force, Owens ultimately accepts responsibility for one of the most daring face offs in cinema history. [ComingSoon]

Resigned former cop… escaped drug kingpin… Wait, is the hostage Arnold’s niece, daughter, or wife? I think the stakes would be higher if it was someone with whom he used to eat ice cream and feed deer in the forest. Communicated in flashback, of course. And also, if Jason Statham could be the drug kingpin, and the “specially outfitted car” a flash sazz wagon, this would combine literally everything that I like.

Once he was done governating, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s acting schedule filled up fast. He got involved with The Governator, something called Cry Macho, a Terminator reboot, maybe a Twins sequel, and God knows what else. But that was before he got caught shooting his sperm in every Mexican west of the Mississippi. Back in May, he announced he was putting all film projects on hold until further notice, until he could figure out which brown kids seemed most suspiciously gap-toothed and ass loving. (Arnie’s Éses, I imagine he calls them).

His personal affairs must be in order now, because last night I received a press release from Lionsgate announcing a new Schwarzenegger project called Last Stand, a “high-octane chase story” from the director of The Good, The Bad, and The Weird. QUICK, COVER THE MAKE-UP GIRLS WITH PLASTIC!

Korean action-suspense master Kim Jee-Woon (A TALE OF TWO SISTERS, THE GOOD, THE BAD, THE WEIRD) will direct the film, which is to be based on a spec script by Andrew Knauer that was subsequently rewritten by Jeffrey Nachmanoff.
Schwarzenegger will be starring as Sheriff Owens, a man who has resigned himself to a life of fighting what little crime takes place in sleepy border town Sommerton Junction after leaving his LAPD post following a bungled operation that left him wracked with failure and defeat after his partner was crippled.   After a spectacular escape from an FBI prisoner convoy, the most notorious, wanted drug kingpin in the hemisphere is hurtling toward the border at 200 mph in a specially outfitted car with a hostage and a fierce army of gang members.  He is headed, it turns out, straight for Summerton Junction, where the whole of U.S. law enforcement will have their last opportunity to make a stand and intercept him before he slips across the border forever.  At first reluctant to become involved, and then counted out because of the perceived ineptitude of his small town force, Owens ultimately accepts responsibility for one of the most daring face offs in cinema history.

Well that sounds like every action movie ever. But it’s Arnold. And everyone who’s seen The Good, the Bad, and the Weird seems to love it. And it started with a spec script, which is always better than a project that started as a pitch, so who knows. At the very least, I bet it’s the first Arnold movie synopsis ever to incorporate the phrase “perceived ineptitude.”"Hey, Sully, remembah when when you counted out my force for perceived eenept-eetude? …Your findings vere wracked wiss erroneous conclusions.” (*drops Sully off cliff, throws Thesaurus down with him*)