[Check out the obnoxiously non-embeddable video that I wrote a whole post about before they disabled embedding on here.]

In Meet Monica Velour, Sex and the City‘s Kim Cattrall plays a washed-up slimy old dirty trailer-park prostitute like your mother, so this should be right up your alley.  Through a chance encounter, her life becomes entertwined with the awkward dork who’s her biggest fan.  In this clip, we learn that aging porn stars are a lot like salty 20s longshoremen in their steadfast refusal to pronounce G’s and conjugate.  Mmm’yeaaah, see, Kim Cattrall’s gonna give you’s a good talkin’ to, see?  Mm’yeaah.

“It’s not often a guy stands up fa me.  There’s certain things a girl just don’t wanna hear no matta how old she gets.”

“You’re a dream.  It’s like you popped outta the movie to sit on the couch with me.”

“You get a lotta ass talkin’ like that?”

Man, how much better would Sex and the City have been if they’d just talked like this the whole time?  “Hey, sweethaht, wax much?  M’yeah, see, that hairy cooze a yoahs don’t just need a barbershop, it needs the whole quartet, see?  Ha ch-ch-cha cha cha.  You bettah tighten up those gams lickety-split if ya know what’s good for ya.”

My “washed-up old porn star” Google alert — which I generally use for pleasure, not business — pinged this morning, and to my surprise, it was a movie story.  It said Anchor Bay has acquired the distribution rights to Meet Monica Velour, a film from first-time director Keith Bearden which played to positive reviews at the Seattle and Tribeca film festivals, and stars Kim Cattrall as a washed-up old porn star.  It’s quite a departure from her usual role as a washed-up old slut.  It also stars Brian Dennehy, whom I’m told loves sluts.

When a young man [Dustin Ingram] sets out to find his favorite 80s porn star [Cattrall], instead of a fantasy sexpot he  finds a 49-year old mom trailer park [sic?] and complicates her difficult life by trying to get close to her. The role is far less glamorous than Cattrall’s Sex and the City turns and her performance was lauded for the actress’ lack of vanity. The deal was made by Anchor Bay’s exec veep of acquisitions Kevin Kasha and prexy Bill Clark. [Deadline]

Dressing down for a role is just what you have to do if you want to win some of those fancy actin’ awards.  Marky Mark’s prosthetic dong in Boogie Nights made him a star.  If it doesn’t already, this movie should add in a shot of Kim Cattrall in a big old droopy prosthetic meat purse, with the latex beef curtains just dragging along the floor collecting dust like her old uterus.  I think that’d be classy.  Side note: I need to get me a prop master for all these awesome ideas I’m always having.

(From left: Yes… yes… yes.  What can I say, I’m easy.)

“Jonson” just posted this in the comments section, and I thought it was interesting enough to share:

True story: In the first season of the Golden Girls, the actress who played the most sexually active one (Rue McClanahan) was 49 years old. In Sex & the City 2, the actress who plays the most sexually active one (Kim Cattrall) is 54.  The GOLDEN GIRLS.

Further fact checking shows that Rue McClanahan (with whom I share a birthday, oddly enough) was actually 50 or 51 (she was born in February) for the first season of Golden Girls (1985), while Kim Cattrall is actually 53.  But he was correct in that Cattrall is older.  …That’s still interesting, right?  …Kind of?

(*plays ‘The More You Know’ music, farts*)

(“HOW OLD IS THIS LION?”)

Once again, the victim in Roman Polanski’s case has officially asked for his release.

The attorney for the victim in Roman Polanski’s 32-year-old sex case is joining his lawyers’ bid to have the director sentenced in absentia to time served.
Attorney Lawrence Silver on Wednesday faxed to other lawyers in the case a motion he planned to file Thursday in Los Angeles Superior Court, asking that the director be sentence in absentia. On behalf of the victim, Samantha Geimer, Silver also is supporting a motion by Polanski’s lawyers urging that Polanski be sentenced to time served. [Yahoo]

An earlier appeal to have the case tried in absentia was denied last month.  From the beginning, Polanski’s victim has said she only wanted the case to be over with.  My guess is it’ll be a few more months before the lawyers decide whether to have a preliminary hearing to rule on whether to read the letter.  Elsewhere, Polanski’s next movie, Ghost Writer, which opens in February, has a poster. Say what you will about the man, he’s still a great director.  It’s like he has a gift for strongarming the camera into doing whatever he wants. *slide whistle*

[poster source = CHUD]

What with the critical success of Lars and the Real Girl and the continuing popularity of Japanese f*ck pillow picnics (also the name of my indie band), the time was right for a remake of Mannequin — the 1987 Andrew McCarthy/Kim Cattrall classic in which one man’s sex toy comes to life (don’t get any ideas, microwaved cantaloupe). Says Moviehole:

The newly relaunched Gladden Entertainment are said to be in early development on the redo of the ‘window dresser goes gaga for loose doll’ comedy.
Naturally, the company – who, back in the day, also produced “The Fabulous Baker Boys”, “Weekend at Bernie’s”, and Christian Slater/Skateboarding pic “Gleaming the Cube” – want to contemporize the plot (Maybe it won’t be a store Mannequin but a laser display hologram he falls for? ) and will likely cast a couple of hot Twilight-esque youngsters in the lead roles.
The shingle are said to be in early talks with studios, and are on the hunt for a writer.

If recent trends like the Twilight phenomenon are a guide, maybe the best way to contemporize it is to flip it so that this time around, the mannequin is the dude.  I heard they wanted Paul Walker for the part until they realized the mannequin had to come to life.  *licks finger, holds it up to breeze* Yep, that’s a burn.