“Here, you be Killing Them Softly and I’ll be the audience.”

This week in humanity disappointing me, Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 held the top spot at the North American box office, while Killing Them Softly (my review) opened softer than a panda bear’s dong. Softly, which (luckily) cost just $15 million to make, was one of Brad Pitt’s worst openings ever, worse than Fight Club, Meet Joe Black, and The Devil’s Own, though still twice as much as The Assassination of Jesse James‘s entire run, which was Pitt and director Andrew Dominik’s last collaboration. Aw, poor Andrew Dominik. Aussie can’t catch a break.

To make matters worse, Killing Them Softly’s audiences gave it an “F” cinemascore, and keep in mind that these same audiences gave “A”s to Alex Cross (Laremy’s review) and Here Comes the Boom (my review). My simplistic response to this would be “this is why we can’t have nice things,” but I’d also point out that audiences for Alex Cross and Boom are going to be self-selecting groups (read: dipshits) for movies that give you exactly what you’d expect (i.e., crap). And as much as I enjoyed Killing Them Softly, it was basically one big, oppressively cynical F-you to America and everything you stand for. It’s a heavy-handed, angry, snot-nosed movie meant to piss people off – that’s what it did, and that’s a big part of why I enjoyed it. Argo (my review) was just as good, but it portrays America as we like to think of ourselves, and it got an A+ cinemascore. Which is to say, Joe Sixpack and Charla Cheesesnack aren’t hostile to quality, but they are a bit sensitive when it comes to criticism (you can have their EZ cheez when you pry it from their cold, partially-amputated diabetes fingers).

All told, with Twilight, Skyfall, and Lincoln (my review) still cleaning up, the overall box office was up 46% from last year. Long story short, people will continue to make movies, and studios will continue to be rightly scared of interesting ones.

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Who knew they’d eventually write Brad Pitt movies?

In Theaters Everywhere: Killing Them Softly, The Collection

In Theaters Somewhere: Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning

FilmDrunk Suggests: Vince absolutely HATED Killing Them Softly, which I think looks great. Wait, hold on. Vince liked it. A lot. Holy sh*t, you guys, we agree on something aside from Magic Mike for once. Mark your calendars.

Also, I’m trying to make the upcoming Worst Movies of 2012 feature a little more interactive this time around, so I want to hear from the Drunkards about the movies that they hated the most this year. Consider it the Drunkards’ Choice Award. Leave your most loathed films of 2012 in the comments.

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They may not quote FilmDrunk in Matthew McConaughey’s full-page, for-your-consideration ad in Variety, but if he wins, I will almost certainly take all the credit. I hope this page was scented, like a perfume ad, but sweat and aftershave. [thanks, Larry]

MORNING LINKS
Review: Killing Them Softly, a Cinematic Motörhead Song |Film Drunk|

Frotcast 128: Burnsy’s Corner, Lists with Laremy |Frotcast|

The ‘Rock Is Dead’ Argument Is Dead Wrong. Here Are 12 Reasons Why. |UPROXX|

It’s been weeks and they still haven’t recovered from Corgi Friday being cancelled.
[via The Frogman]

David Blaine Ate Meryl Streep’s Wine Glass At A Party Last Night |Warming Glow|

Real-Life Eric Cartman Plays Canadian Pee-Wee Hockey, Is Not Hilarious |With Leather|

‘Pacific Rim’ Reveals A Whole Bunch Of Giant Robots |Gamma Squad|

Dr. Dre Rakes In $110 Million, Reigns As “The World’s Highest Paid Musician” |Smoking Section|

The Inner Tumult Of Alex Smith |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

Viewing photos from way back when feels like entering the Twilight Zone |theChive|

21 GIFs Of Women’s Soccer Star Doing Yoga |Buzzfeed|

So Who Wants To See Lindsay Lohan Being Arrested For Punching A Chick In The Face? |The Superficial|

5 Stars Who Badmouthed Their Own TV |Mental Floss|

Super Mario Beads |Clip Nation|

Your Love Life As Told Through Pizza |College Humor|

Sophie Turner Continues To Have A Wonderful Instagram |IDLYITW|

How To Shop Costco Like Joe Biden |HuffPost|

The 3 Best And Worst Horror Remakes In Movie History |Screen Junkies|

Top 10 Star Trek time travel stories |Fark|

Feast Your Eyes On The Dead Sexy Cast Neil Gaiman Has Assembled For “Neverwhere” |Pajiba|

A Collection of the Best Fan-Made Dark Knight Rises Posters |Unreality|

Introducing the World’s Only Hot Magician |Brobible|

Welcome To The Internet, Cindy The Hiccuping Hypemom |High Definite|

NOMINATE for Comments of the Week. FOLLOW Vince on Twitter.
FAN US on Facebook. SUBSCRIBE to the Frotcast.

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Stimulus Whackage

Take it from this reviewer, there’s no finer date movie this season than Killing Them Softly. You and your special lady can hold each other close as Brad Pitt opens Italian guys’ skulls with a shotgun! Interlace fingers as you thrill to bloated Ray Liotta getting his teeth kicked in by a fat rapper! Heck, bring grandma and the kids! They’ll love James Gandolfini talking about cutting up hookers! And the best part is, it’s family entertainment that’s not just fun, it comes with an important message. Namely, “Everything sucks and people are assholes the end.”

If that sounds like a negative critique, it’s not, I loved this movie. Killing Them Softly is like that angry song you loved when you were 15, or that angry poem you wrote when you were 15. It’s a crime story-as-political-allegory that’s about as nuanced as a middle finger and as subtle as a pistol whipping, but what it lacks in complexity, it makes up for in panache, consistency, and consistently graphic skull trauma. The main point director Andrew Dominik is making, that politics is just as messy and amoral for foul-mouthed, shit-smelling murderers as it is for candidates wearing American flag pins, isn’t a particularly unique or insightful one, but then neither is “Eat the Rich.” Tight, fast, brutal, and gleefully immature, like my lovemaking, it’s sort of a cinematic Motörhead song, not especially smart, but there’s a certain poetry to getting punched in the face. Art in the same way that a brick through the window has a beauty that transcends the thrower’s justification.

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NOOOO! Not Scoot McNairy!

After Seven Psychopaths turned out to be more about fartsy navel fingering than actual ownage, Andrew Dominik’s Killing Them Softly seems like it might be Fall’s last hope for a shoot ‘em up (release date: November 30th). It stars Brad Pitt as a hitman and James Gandolfini and Ray Liotta as a couple bad guys, plus Gloansy McGloane from The Town, and really, you don’t hire Gloansy McGloane unless he’s going to die violently.  He’s like a fat Irish Michelle Rodriguez. Less spice, more grit. Anyway, the latest trailer is below, and it has murder and Johnny Cash. That’ll do, Pitt, that’ll do.

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