GET HER, JACK BAUER! TACKLE HER LIKE A CHRISTMAS TREE!

Lars Von Trier has a new trailer out for his film, Melancholia.  I haven’t seen Von Trier’s last few films, which is a shame, because as I’ve often told my poetry circle over chai, he was always my favorite of the Dogme filmmakers.   And his last movie had an evil fox saying “Chaos reigns,” which seems like something I would enjoy.

This one seems to be about a red planet that’s been hiding behind the sun, which may crash into the Earth and ruin Kirsten Dunst’s loveless marriage. Could be good, I suppose.  Though I don’t think I’m out of line saying it’s going to be depressing and weird.  I mean it’s a Lars Von Trier movie called “Melancholia,” it’s not exactly a spoiler. Anyway, the important thing to remember is that this film will have TWO, COUNT THEM TWO SKARSGARDS.

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I consider Kiefer Sutherland one of the coolest guys in Hollywood, mainly because he once told a guy with a video camera “that would explain everything,” and tackled a Christmas tree.  Which is why it pains me to report that he’s in talks to join the cast of Growl, which might be a perfect storm of all the worst things in the world.

1. First of all, the director, a former extra on Brett Ratner’s X3, is named “Sxv’Leithan Essex.” That’s right, unpronounceable AND apostrophe filled.  What, no exclamation points?  That’s not very extreme, bro.  For the record, he says it’s pronounced “skuh-lee-than.”  Though I find “f*ck yourself” really rolls off the tongue.

2. The Plot:

“In Growl, a traveling underground fight club called ‘The Brawlers’ arrive at a derelict ghost town tucked away in the Colorado Rockies. They meet the town’s only residents, the Maxilla family, who want to buy on to the fight card.  But the Maxilla family’s true intentions for the Brawler crew is soon revealed in teeth and claws.”

And by the fact that their name means “jawbone.”  Oh God, please tell me the town is named “Flowerew.”

3. The teaser poster had Phil Baroni in it. (Oddly, this may be the best thing about it).

4. With a concept as good as underground werewolf MMA fighting, you can’t just make one movie.  Oh no no no, you have to arm bar the iron while it’s still hot, or else you won’t get the sick scars, bro.

“We have the trilogy outlined, a prequel graphic novel and a videogame that sets up the events and characters in Growl 2,” Essex explains.

In conclusion, set photos of buff guys with tattoos.  (*chugs Rockstar, drives off in slammed Acura, starts telling everyone about how I’m going to “build my brand”*)

After the jump, I’ve got the red-band trailer for Mirrors, the crappy horror movie starring Kiefer Sutherland and Amy Smart. You can see the original trailer here.

Creepy little kids…  Creepy things happening in the mirror… Boy, this is shaping up to be the scariest movie of 1978.   Plus, they put the Regency and 20th Century Fox logos backwards – because it’s about mirrors, get it?? Let me know if I need to slow down…  I think I most identified with the part at the beginning where Keifer says, "The mirrors… they’re so clean!"  I’ve often said that, but usually in more of a rueful, why-can’t-there-be-anymore-coke-left sort of way.   We’ve all been there.

And in case you like this player better…

This is supposedly a teaser trailer for a horror movie called Mirrors, starring Keifer Sutherland.  I say supposedly because in order to be teased you actually have to want whatever it is you’re getting a small taste of.  This is more like a retard in a speedo rubbing an ice cube on his nipple.  I don’t know what he’s selling but I’m just gonna walk away before things get weird.

UPDATE: The person that sent me this failed to mention the video came from WWTDD, our sister site. Er, brother site.  GRR, FOOTBALL.  Anyway, it’s up because Kiefer got busted for DUI this morning.

This isn’t exactly new, but I hadn’t seen it yet, and I thought perhaps I’d share with the other cave dwellers.  I Trust You to Kill me came out on DVD earlier this year, and I’ll be honest, I had no interest in it whatsoever. The buzz I heard was a lot like this review from IMDB.

It documents the journey of two separate artists and their transformations not only through life, but on the tour featured within the film. Though the movie is about Rocco Deluca and his band and music, Kiefer Sutherland plays an intricate and intregal part.

Great, 30 Odd Foot of Grunts or the Bacon Brothers with a backstory, right?

Yeah, well whatever it is, it’s got a drunken Jack Bauer saying, “That would explain everything.” and jumping through a Christmas tree.  And that’s all you really need.