People always ask me why I’m so mean to children – mainly it’s because they’re idiots and they have terrible taste in everything. Need proof? Here are the nominees for Kids Choice Awards – full list after the jump.

Movie: "Alvin and the Chipmunks," "Are We Done Yet?," "The Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End," "The Transformers."

Male Movie Star: Ice Cube, Johnny Depp, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Eddie Murphy.

Animated Movie: "Shrek The Third," "Bee Movie," "Ratatouille," "The Simpsons Movie."

Female Movie Star: Jessica Alba, Drew Barrymore, Kirsten Dunst, Keira Knightley [What, no Carmen Electra? - Ed.]

This reminds me of a poster I saw in the subway that said "Free Abortion Alternatives", and all I could think of was Why would you want alternatives when you’re already getting a free abortion?  Just seems greedy. 

Voice From an Animated Movie: Cameron Diaz, Mike Meyers, Eddie Murphy, Jerry Seinfeld.

Song: "Beautiful Girls" (Sean Kingston), "Big Girls Don’t Cry" (Fergie), "Don’t Matter," (Akon), "Girlfriend" (Avril Lavigne.)

Male Singer: Bow Wow, Chris Brown, Soulja Boy, Justin Timberlake.

Music Group: Boys Like Girls, Fall Out Boy, Jonas Brothers, Linkin Park.

Female Singer: Beyonce, Fergie, Miley Cyrus, Alicia Keys.

TV Show: "Drake & Josh," "Hannah Montana," "iCarly," "The Suite Life of Zack and Cody."

Reality Show: "America’s Next Top Model," "American Idol," "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?," "Deal or no Deal."

Television Actress: Miley Cyrus ("Hannah Montana"), Emma Roberts ("Unfabulous"), Jamie Lynn Spears ("Zoey 101"), Raven-Symone ("That’s So Raven").

Television Actor: Drake Bell ("Drake & Josh"), Josh Peck ("Drake & Josh"), Dylan Sprouse ("The Suite Life of Zack and Cody"), Cole Sprouse ("The Suite Life of Zack and Cody").

Cartoon: "Avatar: The Last Airbender," "Ed, Edd and Eddy," "The Simpsons," "SpongeBob SquarePants."

Male Athlete: Tony Hawk, Shaquille O’Neal, Alex Rodriguez, Tiger Woods.

Female Athlete: Cheryl Ford, Danica Patrick, Serena Williams, Venus Williams.

Video Game: "Dance Dance Revolution," "Guitar Hero," "High School Musical: Sing It!", "Madden NFL ’08."

Book: "Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season Eight, Volume One: The Long Way Home," "Diary of a Wimpy Kid," "Harry Potter series," "How to Eat Fried Worms."

[Source] 

I found a lull in my busy schedule of pleasuring supermodels and teaching terrorists how to love (with my fists!) and have decided to use it to bring you a bonus post, a 5:50 clip from Bee Movie.

It seems okay, for a kids movie – better than The Game Plan, at least – but I’ve still got a bone to pick with it.  I mean, it’s one thing to say the bees talk, just not to humans, but extracting the honey with gun contraptions?  Kids today are already dumb enough without us monkeying with the basic tenets of biology.

What these spoiled little bastards really need to be watching are documentaries about their peers in China and the third world. 

"See that, Billy?  Little Quan works 18 hours a day weaving shoe laces in a closet full of toxic gas [the gas makes them tie better] and he never complains.  Now that’s what I call work ethic!" 

While Jerry Bruckheimer has been out making movies for adults with very child-like brains (and I mean like still-shit-yourself-and-drool childlike, not "still-with-a-sense-of-wonder" childlike as an A-hole like him would have you believe), a slew of well-made, intelligent kids movies have made a ton of money – Ratatouille, Finding Nemo, The Incredibles, etc. 

Preferring to castrate other peoples’ good ideas rather than come up with his own (to say nothing of his insatiable desire for snuff films and baby pelts), JB will soon be doing a live action/CGI, G-rated Disney movie.  So how will he ruin it?

"Babe" may have paved the way for smart talking porkers, but it’s "G-Force’s" team of genetically enhanced guinea pigs working as spies for the U.S. government who look likely to bring home the bacon in this live-action/CG family adventure.  [emphasis added]

That’s good to hear.  Seems just yesterday I was telling someone that kids’ movies these days don’t have nearly enough creepy sci fi and vague, right-wing propaganda (and not the cool kind, like G.I. Joe).  [via Variety/AICN]

Here are the results of the 2007 Teen Choice Awards:

• Action Adventure – “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End”
• Drama – “The Pursuit of Happiness”
• Dramatic Actor – Will Smith (“The Pursuit of Happiness”)
• Action Adventure Actor – Johnny Depp
• Action Adventure Actress – Keira Knightley (“Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End”)
• Comedic Actress – Sophia Bush (“John Tucker Must Die”)
• Horror/Thiller Actor Shia LaBeouf (“Disturbia”)
• Horror/Thiller Actress – Sophia Bush (“The Hitcher”)
• Dramatic Actor – Jennifer Hudson (“Dreamgirls”)
• Villain – Bill Nighy (“Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End”)
• Hissy Fit – Ryan Seacrest (“Knocked Up”)
• Breakout Male Star – Shia LeBeouf
• Breakout Female Star – Sophia Bush
• Dance – Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan (“Step Up”)
• Chemistry – Will Smith and Jayden Smith (“The Pursuit of Happiness”)
• Scream – Steve Carell (“Evan Almighty”)

Rather than focus on the fact that Pirates of the Caribbean won something, which might give me an eye twitch or an anal fissure, I'd simply like to point out that Knocked Up won only one award, and it was for Ryan Seacrest.  I think Miss Teen South Carolina must've been one of the judges.  Little does she know that she gives a great hand job.