The Harry Potter ripoff parade has been in full swing for a few years now, long enough for the derivative books to get made into derivative movies. On that note, here’s the trailer for Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief. Zeus comes alive and goes after this kid who he thinks stole his lightning. Poor Zeus. He was just lying in the grass of Sunday morning of last week, indulging in his self defeat.
Meanwhile, Lorenzo Di Bonaventura, king of all things lame and crappy, has bought the rights to a series of films based on the ‘Nicholas Flamel’ books.
Delacorte Press, an imprint of Random House, has already published three books in the six-part series — “The Alchemyst,” “The Magician” and “The Sorceress” — and will publish the fourth, “The Necromancer,” in May. The books detail the adventures of fifteen-year-old twins Sophie and Josh Newman as they travel around the world with the immortal alchemist Nicholas Flamel.
See, because the ancient prophecies tell them that they’re the chosen ones who will save the world. Hey, I have an idea for movie. There’s this kid. He’s not special, he can’t do magic, and in the climactic finale, he shuts the hell up and brings daddy a beer.
The 12 years since Wings went off the year have been like a bad dream full of emptiness and pain. But finally, according to Variety, the cast is reuniting to bring the story of the wacky Hackett Brothers to the big screen! Hold on, I’m reading something…
Disney has acquired screen rights to the young adult novel “Wings” and will develop the bestselling Aprilynne Pike title as a star vehicle for Miley Cyrus. Pic will be developed for Cyrus to play Laurel, a 15-year-old who grows up sheltered and home-schooled in a small town. Adjusting to a big high school is difficult, and her suspicion that she’s not like the other kids becomes a reality when she sprouts a pair of wings and learns that she’s a fairy. Published in May, the novel is the first of a planned four-book series. [Variety]
Aw, crap. Another false alarm. Maybe you’ll eat next month, Steven Weber. Also: I always wonder if the fact that all redneck chicks dye their hair blonde now was influenced by Disney’s lazy ass plot devices. Ten bucks says this movie will start with Miley Cyrus will be getting pushed around in the cafeteria, then they’ll throw a blonde wig on her, and Holy sh*t, she’s a fairy princess!
PS: “Aprilynne”? F-ck off.
Nowadays when people make movies for kids, they usually do it with an adult cast pandering embarrassingly to what they imagine to be a child’s sensibilities, or with androgynous young boys hand picked by pedophiles and made to sing and dance. But back in ‘86, some brave soul thought, Hey, why not just make a film noir about a woman-hating private dick, and have 8-year-olds play all the parts? The result was Hawk Jones, and I don’t know why they don’t make more movies like this. Check out the stick-figure chalk outline at the 1:45 mark. Tell me that’s not freakin’ adorable. The formula is fool proof. The only thing that could ruin a movie like this? You guessed it, Cam Gigandet.
[Thanks to EverythingisTerrible for finding this, Hawk Jones official site here]
Seems like every time people set out to create wholesome fare for kids, they end up with something creepy and oddly sexual. Call it the Banana Smoothie effect. I don’t know if it’s something about the process itself, or just a trait common in those who like making crap for little kids.
You can see it in full effect in this latest trailer for Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa, which begins with various animals shaking their asses to a techno beat, a lemur popping out of a cake in a coconut bra, and a character saying "Glad we could introduce you to the toilet." They like to move it, move it. What’s ‘it’, you ask? It’s Tonka trucks son, now let’s never speak of this again.
