"Who's the new guy?" "That's Pagoda Cullen. 300 years ago, I got stabbed in the stomach during a bar fight in Calcutta. He carried me to the hospital on his back."

As if Lady in the Water wasn’t proof enough that M. Night Pajamalawn has horrible taste, he also recently said this:

“I would’ve loved to be– I love the series, and Catherine [Hardwicke's] movie, it was one of my favorite movies of that year,” he said. “Really, I thought tonally, it was a perfect movie. I called her up after I saw ‘Twilight’ and was like ‘That was amazing.’ So I’m a big fan.” [MTV]

So two kids with nothing in common other than being pale and seemingly unable to move their lips when they talk fall in love and stand around looking like they have heartburn for two hours.  That’s a “perfect movie?”  Sorry, I’m being unfair.  It also had vampire baseball and Cam Gigandet.

It’s quite possible Manny was just pandering because he was at the Kids Choice Awards, but MTV wondered if this means he’s campaigning to direct the next Twilight movie.  Which, by the way, is Breaking Dawn, the one with the vampire snorkeling and the super-powered, telepathic, half-vampire, adult-brained fetus delivered via vamp-teeth c-section, not to mention a werewolf-on-baby love story (the moral of the story being you can’t let ethnic wolves around your sparkling white babies because they’ll try to hump them).  And why wouldn’t he want to direct that?  His last few movies have been major flops, it makes sense he’d want to do something which is damn-near flop proof (unlike my wang).  An M.Night Shyamalan movie about CGI vampire babies — can you even imagine??

Possible spoiler alert: the telepathic vampire fetus was undead the whole time.

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The Kids Choice Awards happened over the weekend, and in addition to a bunch of celebrities getting “slimed”, a new spot for Iron Man 2 premiered.  It’s mostly footage you’ve already scene, and of the new stuff, I suppose the most eventful thing to happen is ScarJo as Black Widow speaking for the first time.  It’s, uh… pretty much what you’d expect, assuming you’ve heard Scarlett Johansson speak before (isn’t she supposed to sound… Russian?). In any case, I kind of prefer it when she doesn’t speak. I also don’t like the idea of important stuff happening during the Kids Choice Awards.  When I have kids, they’re only getting one choice, and that’s shutting the hell up.

[pictures via]

_{Haha, hi, kids!  Let’s pretend this isn’t super weird!}

Nickelodeon’s annual festival of good-clean-fun porno and pretending kids have a say in what entertainment gets fed to them happened last night.  As you can imagine, it was the usual mix of who’s that?, I hate them!, and why is Will Ferrell embarrassing himself like this?  Anyway, this creepy ode to pandering and borderline child porn seriously skeeves me out, so I’m just gonna post the winners, a few pics, and a video for your perusal while I go take a shower.  (Think I’m overreacting? I dare you to watch until the 2:27 mark of the video after the jump where Marlon Wayans asks Miley Cyrus if she’s wearing a thong and not be weirded out).

Favorite Movie
High School Musical 3: Senior Year

Favorite Male Movie Star
Will Smith, Hancock

Favorite Female Movie Star
Vanessa Hudgens, High School Musical 3: Senior Year

Favorite Animated Movie
Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa

Favorite Voice from an Animated Movie
Jack Black, as Po, Kung Fu Panda

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UPDATE: RoboPanda just sent me this delightful picture of Harrison Ford from the event. You know, I think there should only be two choices at the Kids Choice Awards, and both of them should be severe beating.

[Original post from yesterday] Nickelodeon, the root of all that is soulless and evil in the world, wrapped another Kids’ Choice Awards on Saturday.  It included performances by Miley Cyrus, the Jonas Brothers, some other people I’ve never heard of, and plenty of celebrities making total jackasses out of themselves.

Spirited host Jack Black, gamely clad in tights and cape at the outset, proclaimed his devotion to slime, then presided with abandon over a mix of stars and stunts. Most of the stunts were performed just outside the arena. They culminated with TV host Laila Ali cheering for supermodel Heidi Klum, who swung from a cable while sporting a spiked "slime butt belt" that she used to puncture slime balloons.

I guess a slime butt belt is better than a banana smoothie?

One example of how the show mixes glory and silly was the Wannabe award for a role model, given this year to Cameron Diaz in recognition of her environmental efforts. "This is the biggest honor I’ve ever received in my life," she said. That puts it above a previous Kids’ Choice award she got for belching.

For her part, Rosie O’Donnell took home the "Longest Skidmark" trophy and Lifetime Achievement in booger eating honors. 

Other award winners announced during the show: Jessica Alba (movie actress), Johnny Depp (movie actor), Chris Brown (male singer), Eddie Murphy (animated movie voice), "American Idol" (reality show), "Drake and Josh" (TV show) and "Alvin and the Chipmunks" (movie). [Source]

I blame mercury-tainted vaccines.

People always ask me why I’m so mean to children – mainly it’s because they’re idiots and they have terrible taste in everything. Need proof? Here are the nominees for Kids Choice Awards – full list after the jump.

Movie: "Alvin and the Chipmunks," "Are We Done Yet?," "The Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End," "The Transformers."

Male Movie Star: Ice Cube, Johnny Depp, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Eddie Murphy.

Animated Movie: "Shrek The Third," "Bee Movie," "Ratatouille," "The Simpsons Movie."

Female Movie Star: Jessica Alba, Drew Barrymore, Kirsten Dunst, Keira Knightley [What, no Carmen Electra? - Ed.]

This reminds me of a poster I saw in the subway that said "Free Abortion Alternatives", and all I could think of was Why would you want alternatives when you’re already getting a free abortion?  Just seems greedy. 

Voice From an Animated Movie: Cameron Diaz, Mike Meyers, Eddie Murphy, Jerry Seinfeld.

Song: "Beautiful Girls" (Sean Kingston), "Big Girls Don’t Cry" (Fergie), "Don’t Matter," (Akon), "Girlfriend" (Avril Lavigne.)

Male Singer: Bow Wow, Chris Brown, Soulja Boy, Justin Timberlake.

Music Group: Boys Like Girls, Fall Out Boy, Jonas Brothers, Linkin Park.

Female Singer: Beyonce, Fergie, Miley Cyrus, Alicia Keys.

TV Show: "Drake & Josh," "Hannah Montana," "iCarly," "The Suite Life of Zack and Cody."

Reality Show: "America’s Next Top Model," "American Idol," "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?," "Deal or no Deal."

Television Actress: Miley Cyrus ("Hannah Montana"), Emma Roberts ("Unfabulous"), Jamie Lynn Spears ("Zoey 101"), Raven-Symone ("That’s So Raven").

Television Actor: Drake Bell ("Drake & Josh"), Josh Peck ("Drake & Josh"), Dylan Sprouse ("The Suite Life of Zack and Cody"), Cole Sprouse ("The Suite Life of Zack and Cody").

Cartoon: "Avatar: The Last Airbender," "Ed, Edd and Eddy," "The Simpsons," "SpongeBob SquarePants."

Male Athlete: Tony Hawk, Shaquille O’Neal, Alex Rodriguez, Tiger Woods.

Female Athlete: Cheryl Ford, Danica Patrick, Serena Williams, Venus Williams.

Video Game: "Dance Dance Revolution," "Guitar Hero," "High School Musical: Sing It!", "Madden NFL ’08."

Book: "Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season Eight, Volume One: The Long Way Home," "Diary of a Wimpy Kid," "Harry Potter series," "How to Eat Fried Worms."

[Source]