Hold on to your tin foil hats and put some microscopic seatbelts on your thetans, because a new whistleblower is telling some tall tales about Tom Cruise and the church of Scientology. Valeska Paris claims that she was kept both as a prisoner and slave for 12 years by the church on its cruise ship, Freewinds, as part of the organization’s “Sea Org.” According to the Village Voice…

… she joined Scientology’s hardcore Sea Organization — signing its standard billion-year contract — at only 14 years of age. Three years later, after her stepfather committed suicide and her mother denounced Scientology on French television, Paris was ordered to “disconnect” from her family. She says that church leader David Miscavige then enforced that disconnection by having her put on the cruise ship, the Freewinds, that sails the Caribbean and caters to high-level church members.

Paris finally left in 2007 and first told her story to another Scientology defector last year, but this is the first time that she’s really speaking out publicly and sticking it to the controversial church. The Village Voice got a hold of her the other day for an interview, and not only does she spill the celestial beans on the crazy behind-the-scenes workings of Scientology, but she also points a crooked, glowing finger at Cruise.

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Most people know Dark Knight director Christopher Nolan often collaborates on scripts with his brother, Jonathan.  But apparently, they have another brother Matthew no one likes to talk about…

Matthew Francis Nolan, 40 was under investigation by Chicago Police in a $700,000 bank-fraud scheme when FBI agents here nabbed him last month in connection with a 2005 killing in Central America.
Nolan is wanted in Costa Rica in the kidnapping and murder of Florida businessman Robert C. Cohen.
Authorities said Nolan pretended he was interested in doing business in Costa Rica when the two met in a hotel. But his real mission was to recover $7million Cohen owed another Florida man.
An accomplice kidnapped Cohen and the men tried to extort the money from Cohen’s family; but when that failed, they killed Cohen, Costa Rican authorities said.
Matthew Nolan’s alleged accomplice, Douglas Mejia, has been convicted. Nolan is being held here awaiting extradition proceedings. [Chicago SunTimes]

See, this is why I’m glad I don’t have any brothers. As soon as you taste a little success they run off to South America and start killing people. I used to want a brother, but now I see that I’d much rather just have a group of cool black dudes to hang with.