Clear the way, folks, I’ve got important news to report, and that news is that TOMMY AND THE COOL MULE is now available to watch instantly.

(*talking into stapler*) JANET! CLEAR MY SCHEDULE! (*shoves cats off conference table*)

I first brought you news of this project back in 2009, and let me tell you, This. Project. Has. Everything.  First off, I don’t want to bury the lede here:  ICE-T STARS AS THE VOICE OF A TALKING MULE.  If you’re still reading this and haven’t already clicked through to see the trailer, I’m not sure we can be friends.

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In TOMMY AND THE COOL MULE, Tommy’s DAD goes off to IRAQ, leaving TOMMY and his MOM to defend the FAMILY FARM from a GREEDY DEVELOPER played by KEVIN SORBO.  But if he WANTS to be the MAN OF THE HOUSE, Tommy is going to have to WIN the BIG RACE…. (*RECORD SCRATCH*) on a mule!  A cool mule, to be exact.  Voiced by Ice-T.

I. Cannot. Believe. This. Is. A. Real. Movie. Seriously, this has to be from the same people who made Nachos the Cross-Eyed Cat, right?  I would love to have been a fly on the wall when they were making the Cool Mule’s costume.

“Hmm, the bling necklace doesn’t fit over the mule’s head. I’m gonna have to go get a longer chain.”
“What?  We’re burning daylight here!  Screw it, just put the necklace over his face.  There.  I think it looks… cooler like that way, doesn’t it?”
“Whatever.”

[Source - thanks to Jake for the tip]

If you’re anything like me, you spend most nights awake wondering what Kevin Sorbo is up to these days.  The answer is: starring in Tales of an Ancient Empire, “Albert Pyun’s long-in-the-works sequel to classic 80’s fantasy flick The Sword And The Sorcerer.”

You might also wonder what he’s doing with that big hunk of meat, which is something my girlfriend gets asked all the time.  My best guess is that that’s how they paid him.  I can’t imagine his asking price is too high.  Dude, I was in Meet the Spartans AND An American Carol! Now gimme my f-ckin turkey leg.

He’s co-starring with Melissa Ordway, who’s apparently some kind of model. I imagine doing it with a model would be pretty sweet, but the closest I’ve ever gotten was the time I raped a mannequin at Osh Kosh.  You ask me, kid was askin’ for it the way he was wearin those overalls.

[Thanks to RoboPanda for the tip]

Bitch Slap recently released a new trailer (after the jump), this time with even more boobs and explosions.  It also treats us to one-liners like, “Blow me, you psycho rugmuncher!” and “Ram this in your clambake, bitchcake!”  First of all, why does he want her to blow him if she’s a rugmuncher?  And how does a clam become a “clambake”?  Do I even want to know?  And wouldn’t a clambake be like a fishfry or a pig roast?  How do you shove something into a food party?  Then there’s this exchange:

“Your only purpose in life is to serve men and get their dicks hard!”
“Well, a girl’s gotta eat.”

Wait, so is she only getting my dick hard so she can eat it?  This whole thing is just confusing.  Look, I’m all for girls showing their boobs and blowing stuff up, but the double entendres need work.
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