You guys, I have a confession to make. Last time I wrote about Kevin Smith, I think I might have been too hard on him. His retirement announcement was ridiculed. Fat jokes were bandied about with an abandon that can only be described as reckless. I even sunk so low as to compare him to a bowl of cheese that someone farted in. Many of you took to the comments section to decry that post as “hateful” and “douchey.” Well you know what? You’re right. I reread the post and I simply cannot defend it. I came across as a petty, mean-spirited jerk. And as 2012 draws to a close, I’ve re-examined my Kevin Smith hatred and, in the words of the English poet Robert Graves, I am here to say “goodbye to all that.” Goodbye to the blind hatred of a man who is a charming underdog at best, and a harmless bullsh*tter at worst.

It is with this newfound outlook that I slid into the couch cushions the other day with a warm cup of joe, grabbed the remote, and turned on Good Day LA (hands down my favorite source for all things newsworthy). And wouldn’t you just know it? They were interviewing Kevin Smith about Clerks 3, which he announced that he hopes to have in theaters in time for the film’s 20^th anniversary in 2014. What better way to put my new outlook to the test. The entire interview is embedded below, but follow me after the jump for a breakdown of various snippets.

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Why are all the extras pooping in their pants?

We’re getting closer to Christmas, and Hollywood has something for everyone to stuff in their stocking this week, assuming everyone wants The Bourne Legacy, Ted, or Ice Age: Continental Drift. If those titles don’t get you excited, there are plenty of other options that didn’t get the theatrical releases those films did.  We’ve got flicks with Jesse Eisenberg and James Van Der Beek.  We’ve got films about child sex-slaves and shaving and puppeteers.  There’s bigfoots and zombies and hipsters and hobbits.  There’s even a film so FilmDrunk-approved, its theatrical run was literally presented by FilmDrunk.

The DVDs:
The Bourne Legacy
Ted
Ice Age: Continental Drift
Why Stop Now
Backwards
Miami Connection
Trade Of Innocents
Mansome
Rehearsal For A Sicilian Tragedy
Dreams Of A Life
Insane Clown Posse & Twiztid’s American Psycho Tour Documentary
Night Claws
The Life Zone
Upon A Midnight Clear
Nesting
Codependent Lesbian Space Alien Seeks Same
Age Of The Hobbits
Osombie
Creep Van
Halloween Party

Streaming: Check out your choices here.

Can’t remember which flick has FilmDrunk’s coveted blessing?  Continue reading to find out.  Want to find out if the film about child sex-slaves and the film about puppeteers is the same film?  Continue reading. Want to know which films I fairly arbitrarily suggest you watch on Netflix?  Click the streaming link above, but be aware: one of this week’s DVDs is targeted at Juggalos, and you won’t know which one it is unless you continue reading without skipping right to the last page. Read the rest of this entry »

I’ll be honest, folks, Kevin Smith news bores me a bit. I used to think he was charming as a person and that some of his movies were sort of okay, but ever since he started smoking weed and adopted this forced folksy shtick of his, I don’t feel strongly about him one way or another. BUT, one thing I do feel strongly about is commenter Chareth Cutestory and his white-hot Kevin Smith hatred, which is so pure and beautiful that I let him write up this latest bit of Kevin Smith news himself. Enjoy.

Are you sitting down? Well hold on to your Jort loops because Kevin Smith, his Macbook Pro just out of reach, grasped his Twitter stick in his sausage fingers and, breathing heavily, methodically tapped out the following:

“Since HIT SOMEBODY is now gonna be a mini-series, yes – that leaves room for a new final flick before I retire from directing feature films.” – @ThatKevinSmith

OH HO HO. What’s this now? Giving up so soon after changing the game with Red State? A film you attempted to finance like some sort of dime store P.T. Barnum? After all that, you’re hanging up your leather duster? Or rather dropping it on the floor since raising your arms to coat rack-level has become a sad spectacle?

And what, pray tell, will be your swan song?

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We’ll start this slow news day off with a little indie film news, as the Kevin Smith produced Miss December hits the Video on Demand option on your cable provider today, probably for the reasonable price of $5. Formerly known as Calendar Girl, Miss December is a comedy/horror that cleaned up pretty well at some smaller film festivals, including the Woods Hole Film Festival (Best Feature Comedy), First Glance Film Festival Philadelphia (Best in Fest), and the Hoboken International Film Festival (Best Feature Film), among others.

And that last one should explain why Kevin Smith was digging it, because JERSEY PRIDE and all that stuff. So what’s Miss December all about anyway?

Miss December is a dark romantic comedy about Ari, a young woman whose poor taste in men may be the death of her when she tries to find love with her would-be killer. The elusive Calendar Girl killer has been terrorizing the city of Philadelphia, stalking and killing a different women each month in order to complete his morose calender full of unwilling pin-ups. The year is nearly over, when a taunting letter to the press has Ari convinced that she’s destined to be Miss December and she can’t help but be a little flattered. Miss December formerly known as Calendar Girl is a fun blend of mystery, horror, and comedy that’s all about finding true love in a very inconvenient December.

More importantly, Corbin Bernsen and Gilbert Gottfried are in this film, and that’s the kind of casting vision that Hollywood’s mainstream films are lacking these days. In fact, I’d love to see Bernsen and Gottfried starring in a buddy cop flick. I’d call it Bernie and the Duck. Reginald VelJohnson would play the angry police chief and Kate Upton would play Bernsen’s lesbian daughter in her freshman year of college. Call me, Sony. I can have this written by noon.

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Kevin Smith’s transition from cult filmmaker to one-man media empire continues this week as Hulu has announced that Smith’s “anti-movie review” show, Spoilers, will premiere on Hulu starting June 4th. SPOILER ALERT: He wears his hockey sweater in the promos. Will he bring his calf-length shorts and stinky trenchcoat? Only time will tell, friends, only time will tell.

Smith calls it an ”anti-movie review show” where the filmmaker will take a bunch of fans to see ten summer blockbusters on opening day, forgoing the early critic screenings he abhors so much, and then have an in-depth discussion about its merits. “We don’t review movies, we revere movies,” he says.

Oh go f*ck yourself.

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