Jorts-ensconced taint enthusiast Kevin Smith recently announced that his final movie, Hit Somebody, based on the Warren Zevon song (co-written by Mitch Albom) about a hockey enforcer starring Stifler from American Pie, will be a two-parter, a la Twilight Breaking Dawn, or Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows. Because Smith says the source material was too much to cover in one film (keep in mind, it’s based on a song). At this point, I think it’s clear that Kevin Smith has fully completed the transition to creating works specifically for his own, hardcore fanbase, a la Twilight, or Insane Clown Posse. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that, I’m sure it’s nice work if you can get it. Probably much more fun than kowtowing to corporate f*ckheads all day.) Anyway, with that in mind, I thought Kevin Smith’s fans could use a unique, unifying identifier, a lá “Twihards,” or “Juggalos.” They’ve already gone far too long without one. So, can you help me #NameKevinSmithsFans? This is what we’ve got so far:

• Jortists
• Sycoshants
• Clerkers
• Silent Boobs
• The Trench Coat Mafia
• The Man Boob Mafia
• ..And Shitheads
• Girthers
• Breathehards
• Dilletaints
• Seathogs
• Flyhards
• Dogmaniacs
• Smodtards
• Smodcastes
• Whatnots (Whatnauts?)

Please submit your own in the comments. As Chareth says, Kevin Smith puts the “pie” in “pied piper.” (thanks to Burnsy and Chareth Cutestory for the help)

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"Okay, listen up: Kevin's gonna need 10 Jack in the Box tacos, a box of Totino's Pizza Rolls, a bag of weed, and three pairs of fresh jean shorts -- the good kind!"

Trailer day continues here on FilmDrunk, with the new red-band trailer for Kevin Smith’s Red State and sh*t. Our favorite jorts-ensconced taint enthusiast (thanks, Chareth) famously told mainstream distributors to suck his weiner at Sundance, where he announced he’d be distributing the film himself, before screening it to a packed house that included Harvey Weinstein talking on his cell phone, whom Smith supposedly told to shut the f*ck up because “in every f*ckin’ tale of fathers and sons, there comes a moment where you step up and say ‘Today I’m a man,’ that kind of bullsh*t.”

What the hell were we talking about again? Oh right, movies. So Red State hits VOD on Labor Day weekend with special event theatrical screenings happening in October, and it looks… surprisingly actiony? Indie horror films aren’t really my “thing” (and might actually be the furthest thing from my thing outside slam poetry), but the entire last minute of the trailer is people shooting machine guns at each other. So that’s… uh… different. The titles also say it comes from “@THATKEVINSMITH”, which is Big Kev’s Twitter handle.

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Holy crap - is that Bad Ass Billy Gunn?

This news is a few days old, but it’s developing quickly and we had a little too much moonshine at the Uproxx Weiner Eating Contest so you’ll deal with it. Adam McKay has decided that instead of just producing Will Ferrell’s next project, Three Mississippi, he’s going to direct it with the hopes of again capitalizing off of the successful chemistry between Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg, as the two will star as rivals from different families that gather annually for a tackle football game.

The ensemble comedy’s script comes from 30 Rock executive producer Robert Carlock and Friends executive producer Scott Silveri. It follows two neighboring families as they do battle in an annual Thanksgiving game of front-lawn tackle football that’s grown increasingly nasty over the years. (Friends fans may recall a similarly intense Thanksgiving-set football happening.)

McKay had already been aboard the project as a producer, but told EW that he wasn’t planning on directing it. Now we hear he’s making it his next project, and that Warners hopes to have it in theaters come next Thanksgiving. (Vulture)

The name of this film was originally Turkey Bowl, but they presumably changed it because Kevin Smith just released his own film called Turkey Bowl, and I assume it’s about a 12-layered dish that can be eaten for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Three Mississippi will also star Alec Baldwin as Wahlberg’s father and I’m sure they’ll have someone equally established as Ferrell’s father, a la James Caan or Robert Duvall. In fact, I’ll predict that Ferrell’s father is either Robert DeNiro or Clint Eastwood, unless he’d like to leave Pink Cadillac as his final comedic performance. And I’m sure they’ll have some hot actresses playing their wives, adorable and quirky children, hilarious cameos, funny accents, loud shouting, and I’ll ultimately leave this movie thinking, “How the hell is it so difficult for you, Sandler?”

This was a particularly interesting chart that was a late addition to my career graphs post the other day. Wanted to make sure you saw it, because, you know… creepy.

MOAR TRADE NEWS, NOM NOM NOM

Ben Stiller & Vince Vaughn in negotiations to co-star in Neighborhood Watch. Vince Vaughn hasn’t seemed to care about making good movies in half a decade and Ben Stiller… was in Little Fockers… but hey! Remember Zoolander?  Written by Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg (Superbad), NW is a “sci-fi comedy about a suburban neighborhood watch group that uncovers a plot to destroy the world.” On the possible plus side, it’s set to be directed by Akiva Shaffer (Guy 1, the Ape Sh*t Killer from The Lonely Island), and if anyone can bring back good, dumb comedy (as opposed to the obnoxious, pandering Kevin James sh*t), it’s the Lonely Island guys.  Or it could just be another way for Vince Vaughn to eat food and collect a paycheck. We’ll see. [THR]

Disney is making a movie about The Matterhorn ride. Compared to the thousand other idiotic adaptations in the works, this actually doesn’t seem so bad. At least it has a theme, a setting, and a villain. But hey, didn’t they already make this?  Coincidentally, “The Matterhorn” is my favorite depraved sex practice. …If you don’t know what it is, sorry, bro, I’m not telling. Though it is variously known as a “Stinky Yeti.” [THR]

What did you do to Anna Faris’ hair, you bastards?! (Set pic from Sacha Coen’s The Dictator). A girl who looks like Anna Faris getting this kind of haircut should be grounds for divorce. I know that’s sexist, but I feel like there should be some middleground between “whorish Barbie doll designed for my amusement” and visually insulting attempt to become an old lady. [GettyImages]

Diablo Cody to direct Lamb of God. Writer of Juno and Jennifer’s Body set to make her directing debut in a story about “a young conservative religious woman who loses her faith after a plane crash, decides to go to Las Vegas to live the life of a sinner, and on her journey finds her way back to her faith.” I’ve always said that once you strip away the grating slang and kitschy hipster music, Juno is a solid movie.  But having seen Jennifer’s Body, I wonder if that’s mostly a credit to Jason Reitman. Hard to say at this point, but I am drafting plans for Burnsy, Ufford, and I to write more frat fiction under the pen name “DiaBro Cody.” |ComingSoon|

Kevin Smith Made a Distribution Deal and Sh*t. Read the rest of this entry »

As part of his ongoing bid to become the nerd Oprah, Kevin Smith is taking on yet another project between weight struggles, most recently a reality show set inside his New Jersey comic book store, Jay and Silent Bob’s Secret Stash.  Here’s the casting call:

He’s not looking for actors, he’s looking for real people who live and breathe [and wheeze -Ed] the comic book lifestyle. Must be funny outgoing and have a knowledge and passion for comics, superheroes, movie memorabilia and everything that goes with it.

Hey, pal, if I wanted to see loosely-strung together footage of people blathering about comic books with no regard for visual composition, I’d watch Clerks.

Last night he tweeted that the show would be on AMC, which recently announced plans for a stronger reality-show lineup. The pitch for comics fans also included a request for collectors. “It’s Pawn Stars for Fanboys, and if you have something to sell/trade/or value, we want you to bring it to us!,” the post added. [EW]

ANOTHER SHOW ABOUT PEOPLE SELLING USED GOODS?  MY PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!  Now I finally have something to DVR when I’m done watching Pawn Stars, Hardcore Pawn on TruTV, Antiques Roadshow on PBS, Auction Hunters on Spike, Auction Packed on Nat Geo, Auction Kings on Discover, American Pickers and American Restoration on History, and What the Sell? on TLC!  And this time with a clientele of nerdy shut-ins from suburbia?  This sounds like pure gold!  My only concern is that by recruiting our young, our able-bodied youths, trolling craigslist for reality show casting calls and dreaming of a career in graphic art sales (as well as “living and breathing the comic book lifestyle.” I mean, nothing against people who read comic books, but if you consider that a “lifestyle,” we probably couldn’t hang out), we’re endangering ourselves by shrinking our pool of future elites, our engineers and political leaders. I fear we may someday look back on this as a grave a mistake the likes of Ferdinand and Isabella’s expulsion of Spain’s Jews in 1492.

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