Yesterday Kevin Smith took to his Twitter to give his fans and near million followers just what what they want: a graphic, disgusting mental picture of his tubby ass having sex with his wife. He tweefed (I’m trying to get “tweef” recognized as the verb form):
Ten years in and we bone like we’re cheating on each other WITH each other. A decade-plus and her clit/brown/taint-area still pOwns my dick.
To which he later added:
On a roll this week: we’ve f-cked twice a day every day since Sunday. With little fanfare I’m trying to make it a solid four weeks straight. [via Videogum]
But time out, what does “clit/brown/taint area” mean? The slashes seem to indicate that it’s all one place. So I ask: did Kevin Smith’s wife’s vag, taint, and butthole areas all merge into one mega orifice, the way San Diego, Santa Barbara, and L.A. became San Angeles in Demolition Man? Does Kevin Smith’s wife have a gaping hybrid hole? And if so, is that the secret to a happy marriage? I guess I just don’t understand this romantic stuff.
[and yes, that's Kevin Smith's wife in Playboy. Uncensored version here.]
The first pictures of Tracy Morgan and Bruce Willis in A Couple of Dicks, which is directed but not written by Kevin Smith, hit the web yesterday. I didn’t post them, because I don’t usually get that excited about promo stills, but that’s was before I read this thrilling analysis by FirstShowing. Now I realize I was wrong.
It really can’t get any better than this! So here’s the crazy setup for the photo. In a scene from Kevin Smith’s new comedy A Couple of Dicks, which is currently shooting in New York, Tracy Morgan, who plays a cop, gets chased down by a pit bull while wearing a cell phone costume while riding a giant tricycle. I can’t believe this photo is real and it’s actually a scene being shot for Kevin Smith’s movie. This is one of those photos you usually see on CollegeHumor.com, not in a movie. Based off of this alone, I’m already sold on the movie! I just love the look on Morgan’s face, like his life depends on how fast he can peddle away.
I’m really excited for this now too! I think the mushrooms are finally kicking in! OMG feel this carpet! I wonder how they make stuff!
Vulture recently did an interview with Kevin Smith, in which he’s his charming, insightful, and funny self (I don’t understand why that so rarely comes through in his movies). He discusses the disappointment of Zack and Miri (which, to be fair, sucked), smoking weed to cope, and taking a hiatus from the internet. The whole thing’s worth a read, but here’s a snip:
“Opening on Halloween wasn’t great. We never really nailed our marketing campaign … I mean, having “porno” in the title in some weird way hurt. And that shocked me because I was like, “I thought that was our edge, for heaven’s sake.” But apparently not. I mean, it was what it was. But we should have done better. Because that, to me, was like the most mainstream flick that I could write.
“And so, yeah, that was tough, but something good came out of it, and that was that I became a habitual f-cking weed smoker, for a long period of time. They always tell you, “you don’t get anything done.” And, you know, I was more productive in six months … and maybe I’m giving credit to weed, but the fact of the matter is I stayed off the Internet for six months because after our opening I was like, “I can’t show my face on the Internet!” Because the Internet is like high school, and having Zach and Miri open to ten million is the equivalent of wearing a really gay-ass-looking shirt on the first day of school, and everyone’s talking about it for the next few months. So rather then go back to school, I quit school for a few months.”
It’s true, Kevin normally avoids the gay ass shirt ridicule, but only because he wears the same goddamned outfit every day. You just know that coat smells like loneliness and Febreze.
Here’s Kevin Smith talking about the “dark side of the internet” - I still can’t figure out why he’s so much more compelling as a speaker than as a filmmaker. Or why it looks like he’s wearing a GD bath robe.
[hat tip to /film on the Kevin Smith video]
Smith, in happier times
Kevin Smith’s next directing project starring Tracy Morgan and Bruce Willis apparently won’t be called A Couple of Dicks as originally reported, but rather the extraordinarily banal A Couple of Cops.
The scripting team of Robb and Marc Cullen penned the screenplay, centered on a pair of cops who track down a stolen baseball card, rescue a Mexican beauty and must deal with gangsters and laundered drug money. [Variety via /Film]
WB had originally acquired the script not realizing “dick” was a double entendre. Once they found out, they took immediate action, first experimenting with more literal titles such as A Couple of Dicks - Not Penises, This Isn’t That Kind of Movie At All. For his part, Kevin Smith is said to be unhappy with the change. “It’s like there’s a hole in my heart where some dicks used to be,” he reportedly told friends.
