"Which one of you guys tripled parked your Bentleys?"

Chris Rock was at Sundance last week to promote his new film, 2 Days in New York, directed by Julie Delpy, whose best movie was Killing Zoe and I will fight people to the death if they believe otherwise. While Rock did the normal PR legwork for his new film, he also dropped a little nugget of terror into our laps when MTV asked him about the status of the completely unnecessary Grown Ups 2.

/film has reported that Grown Ups 2 already has a set release date of July 12, 2013, but Rock raised a few eyebrows when he admitted that he doesn’t know if his upcoming project with Adam Sandler is actually a sequel. Yeah, because that makes all the difference as to whether it will suck or not.

I don’t know yet. I definitely have been called about my availability. But no one’s told me about a script. When Adam Sandler gives you a call and asks, ‘What are you doing in June? Make sure you don’t do nothing in June!’ So I think we’re getting ready to get the gang back together. I don’t know if it’s going to be ‘Grown Ups 2′ or another movie, though.

Who cares? It’s happening regardless. Happy Madison is Skynet. We’ve allowed Sandler and his friends to amass such wealth that they can do whatever they want. Grown Ups made more than $270 million worldwide. Even if a sequel makes half that, they still win and stock their garages with more Maseratis.

If they want a new movie, they get it. A TV show for Rob Schneider? Done. A Broadway musical starring Peter Dante and a chorus of stoned frat boys making hand farts? Book it. This is why we can’t have nice things, world.

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At some point today, people are going to spend actual American currency to see Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star, and the soul of cinema will die a little more. The film is the latest offering from Happy Madison, which is Adam Sandler’s production company, or as it is better known – his friends’ ATM machine. In fact, it’s quite fitting that Sandler’s next cash cow, starring Nick Swardson as the titular character, will be released on his 44th birthday. “Happy birthday,” his friends will yell as they put their new Bentley keys in their pockets.

I’m sure by now that you’ve seen the non-stop barrage of commercials for Bucky Larson, and I assume that because they have been scorched into my brain because of their needlessly obnoxious delivery. The movie itself looks like standard Happy Madison fare, but for some reason the commercials have Peter Dante – more on him later – yelling at us about why we should see the film like we are complete morons. I honestly can’t decide whether I’m more annoyed or fascinated by the commercials.

What is the point of Dante yelling terrible jokes at us? Is he portraying his character in the film? Are we supposed to know this? Better yet, are we supposed to know who he is? I decided to answer that last question myself, as well as the question “Who the hell are these guys and why should we accept them as comedy stars?”

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This comes from a clip from a German TV show that you can watch below. I have no idea what’s going on in it, other than that Kevin James is shoving oranges into his mouth for some reason.

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This week’s Frotcast is really good! You should listen to it! |Film Drunk|

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Redneck Olympics Vs. The U.S. Olympic Committee |With Leather|

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Alexander Sarsgard’s friend has FABULOUS shoes. |TheSuperficial|

Al Pacino dressed up as Phil Spector again. |Videogum|

Gwyneth Paltrow illustrates beautifully why everyone hates her. |WWTDD|

This dog walks itself! What a wonderful invention! |TheDailyWhat|

Ashley isn’t naked, but suuuper close! |GorillaMask|

Kim Jong-Il and the world of compulsory plastic surgery. |MentalFloss|

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The Best Road Trip Photo Album Ever |College Humor|

12 Celebrities Who Have Killed People |Buzzfeed|

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Pictures of Jennifer Love Hewitt as a prostitute. |ScreenJunkies|

The Finest Excuses in the History of Celebrity F*ck Ups |Pajiba|

15 Scariest Photos of Steven Tyler |Unreality|

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My poster for "Being Paul Blart"

Just days after I reported that Kevin James would soon be taking the shortest path to critical relevance, starring an indie (ish) drama about a retarded kid, word comes that he could soon be doing something EVEN MORE HIPSTER PANDERY! ThePlaylist got a hold of a script for Charlie Kaufman’s next movie, Frank and Francis, and they say it has a part in it written specifically for Blart I mean James. Assuming he agrees, he would play himself, Kevin James, “as the star of film-within-the-film, ‘Obese City.’” That actually sounds really awesome, but that could just be the grande soy chai talking.

We’ve managed to get our grubby hands on the script for Charlie Kaufman‘s latest, “Frank and Francis,” which has Jack Black, Nicolas Cage and Steve Carell already attached, and the Hollywood-set tale of a movie director feuding with a blogger has, in the script, a role for Kevin James—playing, in true Kaufman style, Kevin James, as the star of film-within-the-film “Obese City,” and then later as a presenter at the Academy Awards. Of course, the fact that he’s written into the script doesn’t mean that he’ll end up doing it. [ThePlaylist]

Not to get hyperbolic here, but if Kevin James agrees, I can say with 10,000% certainty that this would be the best thing he’s ever done. He should play a guy who discovers a service that can erase the painful memories of starring in movies about a fat guy who falls down a lot. But here’s the twist: after he erases the memories of his bad movies, people keep coming to him with fat-guy-falling-down scripts, and HE JUST KEEPS DOING THEM BECAUSE HE DOESN’T REMEMBER DOING THEM! (*BRAAAAAAAAAAAHMMM*) — I didn’t mean it was meta, that was just the sound of a Kevin James cheeseburger fart.

Ever since Paul Blart: Mall Cop earned upwards of $180 million worldwide, Kevin James has been a bona fide A-list star (THIS DRESSING ROOM’S GONNA NEED MORE CHEESEBURGERS!). And yet he still gets no respect because the fickle public stubbornly refuses to acknowledge the artistic merit of horrific crapfests. Hopefully all that will change come this summer, when James stars in Little Boy, which offers the surefire-award-bait one-two punch of foreign director and “developmentally-disabled” child character. Paul Blart: ‘Tard Cop? Okay, that was bad, but certainly no worse than Variety’s pedophilia pun headline.

L.A.-based Metanoia Films is set to make helmer Alejandro Monteverde’s “Little Boy,” starring Kevin James, Ben Chaplin, Emily Watson and David Henrie.
Pic is budgeted at $24 million, funded by a nearly 50-50 split between U.S. and Mexican investors.
“Little Boy” is a family drama set in small-town America in the early days of WWII.
It revolves around an 8-year-old with developmental problems. His only friend is his father, and with his departure to war, the troubled boy is forced to confront the cruelty of schoolmates and others.
It will begin an 11-week shoot in Baja California at the end of August and should be ready for play in 2012. [Variety]

I’m probably a bastard for saying this, but I hope this goes terribly, terribly awry. It’s just that when retarded-kid movies (I’m assuming here, don’t quite know what ‘developmental problems’ means yet) go right, you get What’s Eating Gilbert Grape. And there’s not much to say about What’s Eating Gilbert Grape. When they go wrong… you get something like this:

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