Our country’s finest satirists, Jason Seltzer and Aaron Friedberg (Meet the Spartans, Disaster Movie) are lampooning the country’s vampire craze in their latest film, Vampires Suck.  Here’s the first trailer.  And of course by ‘lampooning’, I mean literally recreating scenes from other movies but rewriting it so that someone gets hit with something.  I’m f*cking serious.  That is the format of 99% of Seltzer-Freebird’s jokes.  I could take the keys off my keyboard, feed them to a hobo, sock him in the belly, and whatever came out his ass would still be a better screenplay than anything these two idiots have ever written.

Hey, remember last time I wrote about Seltzer-Freebird, knowing absolutely nothing about this movie other than that it was about vampires?

With Seltzer-Freebird, you know the satire will never go further than Lady Gaga slipping on a banana peel.  Seriously, I will bet you $1000 that this will include a Lady Gaga joke.

Pay up, motherf*ckers.  And for shame, Ken Jeong.  You can’t need the money that bad.  Seeing Ken Jeong in a Seltzer-Freebird movie is worse than a Cowboy fan watching Jimmy Johnson do commercials for d*ck pills.

Virtually everyone hated Seltzer-Friedberg's movies, but alas, their only audience was retard pig

I was going to save this for later, but f*ck it, it’s too good. The concept is simple: overdub Creed video with whatever it LOOKS like they’re playing when it’s on camera, and ONLY when it’s on camera. The results? See for yourself. I literally had tears rolling down my cheeks when I watched this. Then I started masturbating. Force of habit.

DAILY CIRCLE JERK LINKS

• Burnsy’s sublime treatise: Before there were Twihards: A history of superfans. Yer doin’ a great job, Burnsy. |Uproxx|
• Interview with Tommy Chong in honor of 4/20, Hitler’s birthday, because Tommy Chong loves Hitler. |BroBible|
• “The Official Microbe of the State of Wisconsin.” Uh, okay. |GammaSquad|
• The best four-second clip in the history of four seconds. Seriously, this is awesome. |WarmingGlow|
• A rare sighting of Jay Electronica. |SmokingSection|
• Just because you’re a Rhodes Scholar doesn’t mean you need to wear an ascot, jagoff. |WithLeather|
• Movie posters reimagined with the stars originally cast. |InsideMovies|
• Tim Gunn shares theory on bad fashion and monkey videos. |InsideTV|
• Thor smokes weed, yo. Berzerker. |ComicsAlliance|
• “STDs rampant among the elderly.” Patient Zero? You guessed it, your mom. |Asylum|
• The 10 most intimidating athletes in the world. |Guyism|
• Saudi Billionaire throws money on women. |DoubleViking|
• Stop da Earff, everyone, Spencer Pratt has an opinion on Kate Hudson’s boobs. |FListed|
• Celebrities doing jobs they shouldn’t, a gallery. |HolyTaco|
• 9 poorly conceived baby movies. |ScreenJunkies|

Pictured: Well, it looks like we have a new Dismissive Wank gif. |via OneManWolfPack|

After the jump: An AC/DC -Iron Man 2 video with footage from the movie and the concert in Argentina courtesy of FilmDrunk’s favorite escaped Nazi, Argentino. I love AC/DC. They make me want to chug whiskey and punch a hooker. Not because I’m mad, just ’cause we’re partying so hard.

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When you’ve got a movie about robots that punch each other starring Josh Duhamel, you can’t hire just any actors.  Which is why it’s with a sigh of relief and a robust queef of contentment that I report that Transformers 3 has added Oscar winner Frances McDormand and Oscar nominee John Malkovich to the cast.  I don’t think I could sum it up any better than /Film:

Michaelbay.com was updated this morning, with Bay writing that he has “just locked in” Frances McDormand and John Malkovich as cast members for Transformers 3. According to Deadline, McDormand will have a major role in the film as the National Intelligence Director, while Malkovich will play “Shia’s character’s first boss.” Those who think that the casting of McDormand and Malkovich represent an upgrade in terms of acting pedigree for this series should remember: these are the films that cast Cannes Best Actor award-winner John Turturro and forced him to a) Get pissed on by a robot, and b) Show his ass cheeks for no reason whatsoever.

Whoa whoa whoa, let’s not look a gift shot of John Turturro’s ass in the cornhole here, ingrate.  Anyway, /Film goes onto report that Community‘s Ken Jeong has also landed a part in the movie. I think I have an idea how that will turn out…

MUDFLAP and SKIDS, pants sagging, loudly talking jive, wheel into Korean grocery store and begin reading Black Tail Magazine.

KEN JEONG walks out from behind counter

KEN JEONG
How many time I tew you, my store not ribrary! No read magazine! You buy or you reave!

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Jeremy Piven is on Entourage, which I try not to hold against him since he’s the only thing approaching good on that show.  He also stars in The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard, which he recently promoted by appearing on WWE’s Monday Night Raw at the Mohegan Sun Casino.  Accompanied by his sidekick Ken Jeong*, Piven announces the “lumberjack match” between John Cena and The MiZ, whom Piven keeps referring to as “Le Miz”.  Haha, it’s funny because no one there gets it.  And wait a second, isn’t The MiZ that guy from The Real World who everyone laughed at because he wanted to be a wrestler?  They actually let him be a wrestler?  Where have I been?  Oh that’s right, not watching “raw” wrestling.  Call me old fashioned, but when I hear “lumberjack match” I expect someone getting hit with an axe or f’d in the B.  Or at least some flapjacks.  Buttery, syrupy, muscular flapjacks, all laying on top of each other? Mm-mm, my stomach has a boner just thinking about them.

*additional trivia: who’s actually licensed to practice medicine)

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