Every year, a dude named Frank Leonard puts out the Black List, a list of the best unproduced screenplays going around town, as voted on by Hollywood types. You’d expect them to highlight scripts like Being John Malkovich, a work of genius that had been going around for years that everyone loved but no one knew how to make. Instead, in typical Hollywood fashion, it seems to have become a list of scripts that everyone knows a studio is going to make anyway and might become hits, thus becoming a list of scripts people bet on so they can brag about how smart they are later (you can see the most recent list here).

One such blacklist script, The Ex-Factor, recently picked up Ken Jeong as star and producer, and has since been titled “The Chung Factor.” IT SOUNDS GREAT BECAUSE WE’VE SEEN IT BEFORE!

The movie is about a nice guy who meets the girl of his dreams after being unlucky in love. But because he’s afraid of screwing up the relationship, he takes advice from an offbeat relationship coach, played by Jeong.
As it turns out, the coach is actually the woman’s ex-boyfriend and is out to sabotage the relationship and win her back.
The script, formerly called “The Ex-Factor,” was on the 2005 Black List of best unproduced scripts. [TheWrap]

It’s Hitch meets Something About Mary with an Asian twist! It’ll be like that South Park episode where Cartman gives Jimmy advice through a headset while he’s out on a date! Except without all the jokes about how that concept is 30 years old! You screamed when Will Smith taught Kevin James how to dance… You delighted when Sinbad taught Phil Hartman to loosen up… This summer, you’ll squeal when Ken Jeong teaches Zach Braff math.

I think the most surprising part of this story is that a rom-com script called “The Ex-Factor” was only six years old.

Watching The Hangover Part II, it’s easy to see why intellectuals would hate Todd Phillips.  It’s an unnecessary sequel, half the jokes rely on outrageousness and nudity, there’s a monkey sidekick, gay panic jokes, stock characters galore, Thai scenery straight of the It’s-a-Small-World-After-All book of national stereotypes, and the whole enterprise is imbued with that Entouragey sense of boys being boys that snoots love to despise**. The reason Todd Phillips is a genius, however, is that even with the hackiest, most idiot-pandering setup in the world, he can still deliver a punchline that only the smarmiest of uptight dickweeds would refuse to laugh at.  Yes, monkey sidekicks are almost as overused a trope as amnesia, BUT OH MY GOD, IS THAT MONKEY WEARING A MINIATURE MOTORCYCLE HELMET WITH A BANANA ON IT?! I THINK I LOVE YOU, MOTORCYCLE MONKEY COKE-MULE!

The second installment moves the action from Vegas (one exec actually passed on the first Hangover when Phillips wouldn’t call it “What Happens in Vegas”) to Thailand, where dorky dentist Ed Helms is set to marry possibly cross-eyed, too-hot-and-young-for-him Jamie Chung (Sucker Punch), much to the chagrin of his future father-in-law, a disapproving Asian caricature (YOU BLING SHAME TO FAMIRRY, ROUND EYE!).  Before you know it, Helms and the boys have woken up in Bangkok not knowing how they got there (“It happened again!”), with a tattoo on Helms’ face and his 16-year-old brother-in-law Teddy (Stanford pre-med, cellist, apple of his father’s eye, played by Ang Lee’s son, Mason) missing. The setting is an upgrade, as is the Macguffin, the only clue as to Teddy’s whereabouts being his severed finger.  “Give it up, Bangkok has him now,” everyone tells them.  Whereas the foundation for the wackiness of the first Hangover was a yuppie who might not make it to his wedding, this time around, there’s an actual edge, a heart of darkness vibe that gives it more depth than just DUDE BRO WE HAD SUCH A CRAZY NIGHT DOZER PUNCHED A COP IT WAS SICK.

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MONKEY IN A DRESS! MONKEY IN A DRESS!

A monkey in a dress stole the show at last night’s Hangover 2 premiere in Hollywood, which is a fine metaphor for all movie premieres.  If the world does end tomorrow, this is probably how I deserve to be remembered: giggling at a monkey wearing a dress, trying to think of a pearl-necklace joke.  Pictures come courtesy of the Daily Mail, where I found this, perhaps the finest line in the history of journalism:

“But it wasn’t Crystal’s outfit that stole the show at the premiere of the Hangover 2 last night, but the fact she’s a monkey.”

Game over, man, game over.

Holy. Sh*t. Quick, someone put that monkey over a vent that blows her skirt up.

This is the essence of every Hollywood movie premiere.  “DANCE MONKEY! SHOW US YOUR DRESS!”

If they started doing inter-species versions of “Who wore it best” I would read the sh*t out of US Weekly.

“Oh hey, girl.  Yeah, it’s Dolce & Banana.”

[thanks, Chino]

“Try to snap one her getting out of cab!  See if you can get a shot of her monkey fufu!”

"Uh, I'm here for the gangbang?"

Oh, and Robert Downey Jr. was there.  I think he stole Mickey Rourke’s outfit.  Nice boots, brah.  He must’ve tucked the pants into them to keep out the monkeys.  (*taps temple with index finger*)  Smart.

[DailyMail]

Our country’s finest satirists, Jason Seltzer and Aaron Friedberg (Meet the Spartans, Disaster Movie) are lampooning the country’s vampire craze in their latest film, Vampires Suck.  Here’s the first trailer.  And of course by ‘lampooning’, I mean literally recreating scenes from other movies but rewriting it so that someone gets hit with something.  I’m f*cking serious.  That is the format of 99% of Seltzer-Freebird’s jokes.  I could take the keys off my keyboard, feed them to a hobo, sock him in the belly, and whatever came out his ass would still be a better screenplay than anything these two idiots have ever written.

Hey, remember last time I wrote about Seltzer-Freebird, knowing absolutely nothing about this movie other than that it was about vampires?

With Seltzer-Freebird, you know the satire will never go further than Lady Gaga slipping on a banana peel.  Seriously, I will bet you $1000 that this will include a Lady Gaga joke.

Pay up, motherf*ckers.  And for shame, Ken Jeong.  You can’t need the money that bad.  Seeing Ken Jeong in a Seltzer-Freebird movie is worse than a Cowboy fan watching Jimmy Johnson do commercials for d*ck pills.

Virtually everyone hated Seltzer-Friedberg's movies, but alas, their only audience was retard pig

I was going to save this for later, but f*ck it, it’s too good. The concept is simple: overdub Creed video with whatever it LOOKS like they’re playing when it’s on camera, and ONLY when it’s on camera. The results? See for yourself. I literally had tears rolling down my cheeks when I watched this. Then I started masturbating. Force of habit.

DAILY CIRCLE JERK LINKS

• Burnsy’s sublime treatise: Before there were Twihards: A history of superfans. Yer doin’ a great job, Burnsy. |Uproxx|
• Interview with Tommy Chong in honor of 4/20, Hitler’s birthday, because Tommy Chong loves Hitler. |BroBible|
• “The Official Microbe of the State of Wisconsin.” Uh, okay. |GammaSquad|
• The best four-second clip in the history of four seconds. Seriously, this is awesome. |WarmingGlow|
• A rare sighting of Jay Electronica. |SmokingSection|
• Just because you’re a Rhodes Scholar doesn’t mean you need to wear an ascot, jagoff. |WithLeather|
• Movie posters reimagined with the stars originally cast. |InsideMovies|
• Tim Gunn shares theory on bad fashion and monkey videos. |InsideTV|
• Thor smokes weed, yo. Berzerker. |ComicsAlliance|
• “STDs rampant among the elderly.” Patient Zero? You guessed it, your mom. |Asylum|
• The 10 most intimidating athletes in the world. |Guyism|
• Saudi Billionaire throws money on women. |DoubleViking|
• Stop da Earff, everyone, Spencer Pratt has an opinion on Kate Hudson’s boobs. |FListed|
• Celebrities doing jobs they shouldn’t, a gallery. |HolyTaco|
• 9 poorly conceived baby movies. |ScreenJunkies|

Pictured: Well, it looks like we have a new Dismissive Wank gif. |via OneManWolfPack|

After the jump: An AC/DC -Iron Man 2 video with footage from the movie and the concert in Argentina courtesy of FilmDrunk’s favorite escaped Nazi, Argentino. I love AC/DC. They make me want to chug whiskey and punch a hooker. Not because I’m mad, just ’cause we’re partying so hard.

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