Dammit, Hollywood.  This is why no one wants to encourage you. Piranha 3D gets decent reviews and does middling box office ($10 million on a $24 million production budget so far, number six at the box office), and you’re already making official sequel announcements.  IT’S BEEN OUT FOR LESS THAN A WEEK. What the hell is wrong with you people?

Dimension Films is pleased to announce that PIRANHA 3D – THE SEQUEL is in the works.  PIRANHA 3D producer Mark Canton stated, “We are thrilled that audiences are not just loving PIRANHA 3D, but cheering for it.  And it’s fantastic that so many critics are really getting the movie and recommending it.  We can’t wait to get to work on the sequel.” [from Dimension's press release]

I really hope this is just a clever publicity stunt to get people talking about Piranha 3D by having people like me bitch about it, because seriously?  It’s Piranha 3D.  It was already a remake.  Now you have to rehash it again? Why not just make Eel? Or Mega Trout?  Or Banana Fish?  The formula is people dying + tits, you didn’t discover cold fusion. You could call it Juggalo Baby Funeral as long as Kelly Brook gets motorboated by a porn star in the trailer.  Anyway, I can’t wait for the eventual Piranha reboot, based on the popular board game, spawned by the animated series, based on the video game, based on the 3D remake of 1978′s Piranha, based on DW Griffith’s original “Piranna!” from 1917. (The piranna were said to be a metaphor for the rise of uppityness in blacks).

Piranha 3D opens this weekend, and while it’s so gory and boob-filled that they can’t show a lot of the good parts in their promotional material, they prove once again that they’re pretty good at the viral marketing thing. In this video, stars Paul Scheer, PORN STAR RILEY STEELE, KELLY BROOK NAKED LESBIAN NIPSLIP UPSKIRT, and the should-be-a-bigger-star-by-now Adam Scott begin their For Your Consideration campaign for Piranha 3D‘s Oscar.  It’s pretty funny.  I mean, maybe not now-I-really-want-to-see-Piranha 3D funny, but I applaud the effort.

At last year’s Oscars, did one of the presenters bodies get cut in half, where the top half fell off the bottom half like a cartoon?  I don’t know.  Didn’t watch it.  And neither did anyone else under 50.

Well obviously best picture, but why stop at best picture?   How about gun-toting jetski fight in a piranha-related film? How about best penis being gobbled up and spit out in 3D?

Hey, I didn’t know Larry Fishburne’s daughter was in this!  (*bike horn, pie to the crotch, cartwheels off stage*)

Coincidentally, this headline is also the title of my future memoir.  Anyway, I’ve got a couple of trailers for new 3D flicks to show you. *puts on 3D glasses, unzips pants*

First, Piranha 3D.  I guess the only difference between this time and the other two times we posted the trailer is that hopefully this one doesn’t get taken down within the hour.  It stars Ving Rhames as Glib, the fearful black dude and Christopher Lloyd as a wide-eyed scientist who just happens to be the foremost authority on expository dialogue.  Anyone else think he’s laying it on a little thick?  Relax, guy, you don’t get paid extra for that.  Beyond that, there are lingering, gratuitous shots of large, gyrating breasts, which I appreciated.  A few of them were attached to Kelly Brook and porn star Riley Steel.  Speaking of which, when do we finally get to see that 3D porn?  Adult cinemas have suffered enough.  I think this could really get people publicly masturbating in theaters again.

Next up, the international trailer for The Hole in 3D, a 3D adventure from Gremlins director Joe Dante.

The film tells of a family who move into a new home and discover a hole in the basement that plays on their darkest fears. Teri Polo, Chris Massoglia, Haley Bennett, Nathan Gamble and Quinn Lord star.

Damn.  Remember when holes in your basement just led to secret dimensions where you could party all night with monsters, eating candy and playing video games?  I miss the 80s.

Read the rest of this entry »

“What’s it sayin’, Nic? What is it girl?”

Update: Weinsteins for the win. Well, looks like those two oblong-shaped bastards felt like teasing you with only the idea of a teaser. Unfortunately every video I’m finding has had the embedding code removed like a witch doctor’s vasectomy. You can click here to head on over to youtube and watch the video from there…or, you know, we could just stay right here…in this moment…gazing at each other.

Attention everyone, if I may interrupt the ceremonial group sex for just a moment, I’d like to introduce you all to our newest cult group member. Everybody, this is the official teaser trailer for Piranha 3D…teaser trailer for Piranha 3D, this is everybody. Yes, that’s right folks I said “teaser”, because unlike most other trailers, this one is fairly hush-hush when it comes to revealing any kind of plot points or character reveals, so STFU.

Haha, you queers I was only kidding. This trailer might as well be the entire damn movie. Now please, commence with the orgy!

Well played Piranha 3D, well played. Reel us in under false pretensions and then blind us with clip after clip of your ridiculous product. Alas, as much as I want to berate you for your dishonesty, I can’t help but kinda’ respect your spirit; kids got moxie. Makes me wish that more teasers in life offered overindulgence…like my 8th grade girlfriend, LaTonya. Come on girl, if you loved me you’d let me touch them.

*bats eyelashes*

-Chodin

UPDATE 10:41 ET: This version should work:

Piranha 3D had its release date pushed back to August because of money problems at The Weinstein Company, but despite reports saying they might not be able to afford 3D,  the trailer still says “Piranha 3D.”  It’s pretty much what you’d expect — tits, piranhas, Christopher Lloyd, etc. — it basically writes itself.  The plot is that everyone, even Eli Roth, has come out for a wild time at Spring Break at Lake Victoria, except *record snatch* it’s filled with piranhas.  “Lake Victoria” is an odd choice, because the only Lake Victoria I know of is in Africa, which, as I read in National Geographic for Xenophobes, isn’t so much a Spring Break destination as it is a rape destination, or a parasites crawling up your pee hole destination.  Now that I think about it, that actually does sound like Spring Break.

[hat tip: ScreenJunkies]