For the past several years, a combination of my secretive hipster nature and my desire to be a 40-something female writer has made 30 Rock my favorite show on TV. But lately, with the emergence of Happy Endings and 30 Rock’s eminent demise, the joy I once had for Thursday nights has taken a dip. It also didn’t help that 30 Rock has been slowly building up to a Kellen Lutz cameo for quite some time, culminating in the Twilight actor’s derptastic appearance a few weeks ago.

But while we stand dumbfounded in the wake of his success, everything continues to come up Lutz, from his ridiculous modeling with Kate Upton to his unfairly hot girlfriend to his starring role as Tarzan. And apparently the next project on Kellen’s hurrrrizon is the film Java Heat. That is an actual film title, and it amazingly has nothing to do with rival coffee shop owners.

IFC Films has acquired U.S. rights to the action thriller “Java Heat,” directed by Conor Allyn (“Red & White”), and plans a theatrical release for the film. (Via Indiewire)

Dude. Java Heat? Seriously?

“Conor Allyn has masterfully crafted a tour-de-force thrill ride that will be sure to impress both longtime fans of Mickey Rourke and Kellan Lutz,” said Sundance Selects/IFC Films president Jonathan Sehring. “We are extremely excited to be bringing ‘Java Heat’ to audiences across the country.”

Longtime fans of Kellen Lutz. Seriously?

The only redeeming quality for this film would be if Rourke plays the Muslim detective. Because that would just be amazing. You know he’d grow a beard and put a little turban on his cockatoo. Look, I even made a picture of what he would look like…

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I’ll admit, I don’t usually think it’s my place to post paparazzo pictures of Twilight actors, but I saw this one and couldn’t stop laughing. Pictures of Twilight actors have that effect on me, it seems. “Unnnnngggggghh, sorry girl, should’ve turned the phone off vibrate.”

Anyway, that’s Kellan Lutz – he of Twilight and “you wanna see my sh*t?” underwear commercial “fame” – hanging out with his girlfriend, Sharni Vinson (excuse me, ma’am, your name seems to be missing some consonants) on Roberto Cavalli’s yacht in San Tropez. Whatever, bro, I ain’t jealous of your glamorous life. I’ll be hanging out with my dog later today in Martin Luther King Jr.’s city park in San Francisco. As for his girl, I think I speak for all of us guys when I say “Too skinny, 2/10, would not bang.”

Seriously though, way too skinny for my tastes. I like a girl who looks like she’d at least get winded after 10 or 15 minutes of me chasing her. Also, that swimsuit looks like a 17th-century fop jizzed ruffles on it.

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It’s been a while since I’ve posted one of those indie, painfully earnest family dramas — a BooBoo Stewart vehicle, something sponsored by WalMart — where the incompetence of the filmmakers is outweighed only by their total earnestness. Which is a shame, because they’re pretty much my favorite thing. Today brings us a wondrous bounty called A Warrior’s Heart, a lacrosse drama starring Twilight‘s Kellen Lutz and Chord Overstreet (“I know what both of those words mean, but together they’re just a mess…”). The two share one of the most awesomely homoerotic locker room scenes since Val Kilmer’s air bite in Top Gun. “I don’t want you ridin’ my tail, and you know why? Because you’re dangerous. If you’re gonna ride my tail, punk, you better be gentle.”

Oh boy, let’s enjoy this together:

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Director Tarsem Singh deserves to be a lot more well known solely on the basis of the swimming-elephant scene in The Fall (just imagining the logistics of that make me happy), which was a surprisingly good movie. I say surprisingly because his previous film was The Cell.  Singh’s latest is Immortals, starring Mickey Rourke in whatever the hell that is in the banner picture.  It looks if the bunny from Donnie Darko turned into a snap dragon and opened up to reveal Mickey Rourke’s face, which I imagine is the kind of hallucination that would put you off whatever drug had induced it.  Immortals looks like your basic, The-gods-are-angry-at-the-shirtless-men-in-skirts premise, but at least with Singh directing, you know it will look neat. It takes a lot to impress with visuals alone in this day and age, and Singh is one of the few who can manage it. Oh, and there seems to be a fight scene that takes place in some sort of gravity-free, Sistine Monty Python-esque sky purgatory. What the hell? This movie looks bonkers

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The stars of Twilight Saga: New Moon showed up to a special event in Hollywood last night, and predictably they were hit with the banshee wail of a thousand screaming teenage girls.  As you can see after the jump, it’s terrifying, like an icy wind from the realm of loneliness and conformity that chills the blood and smells of cat fur. But it wasn’t all bad, as the AP soon misidentified a guy at the podium as Cam Gigandet.  Haha, you idiots, that’s Kellen Lutz.  Oh God why do I know that I hate my job.

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