If I’ve learned anything in all of these years on this crazy spinning rock, it’s that the Internet is a place of many, many, many, many (a million times more) different tastes, and rather than try to understand them all, I should just accept most of them. That’s why when I fell into a Deviant ART wormhole the other day and ended up browsing through something called “morphs” before taking a strange turn into Fat Hollywood, I just said, “F*ck it” and rolled with it. Pun sort of intended.

I don’t really know how to describe this strange exercise in photoshop other than by pointing at the banner pic of an obese Megan Fox and saying, “That.” Basically, from what I can tell, there are a lot of people out there who appreciate the true beauty of some of Hollywood’s most famous and talented actresses, but they’d prefer them to have a little more meat on their bones.

To each his own is what I say, because life is short and we should enjoy whatever makes us happiest. At least that’s a new philosophy I’m trying to embrace these days. So I gathered some of the morphs and FAToshops (trademark pending) of my favorite gorgeous actresses so that we could all see their beauty from a new, well-rounded perspective.

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Spoiler alert: One of these three actors shows her breasts in the movie.

First things first: There’s  a brand new deluxe blu-ray box set of the Indiana Jones films out today.  Yes, it includes the fourth one, but no, you shouldn’t bitch about it because it really isn’t that much worse than the other three.  As for truly new DVDs, there’s The Cabin In The Woods, and a bunch of other crap that isn’t nearly as good.  We’ve got Olivia Munn, Morgan Freeman, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Adrien Brody, Pierce Brosnan, Ethan Hawke, and Michael Biehn.  There’s zombies vampires, sharks, dragons, and even an angel.  What more could you want?

The DVDs:
The Cabin In The Woods
The Babymakers
The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel
The Magic Of Belle Isle
Hysteria
Detachment
Conception
Salvation Boulevard
The Woman In The Fifth
The Revenant
The Do-Deca-Pentathlon
The Victim
Bait
Dawn Of The Dragonslayer
Godforsaken
Battlefield America

You want to know which movie is all about vibrators?  Want to know which one is full of old British people?  Maybe they are the same movie.  The only way to know for sure is to continue reading on the next page.  If  you find the thought of dried up, old women with bad teeth drilling themselves with power dildos off-putting, click here for the Netflix suggestions, because I always keep those nice and classy.

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Sorry Katy, but we don't forgive you for Russell Brand.

On Friday, I begged America to take a step in the right direction toward financial responsibility, and for the most part people listened. Katy Perry: Part of Me opened to a colossal fart noise, earning just $10 million. Overall, the film’s per screen average of $2,619 ranks it behind the previous concert “movies” released by Justin Bieber, the Jonas Brothers, and Miley Cyrus’ Hannah Montana fingerblast, but since people generally don’t like concert movies at all, Ol’ Whip Cream boobs and her people can spin this poor opening into saying that she already has the 8th highest grossing music documentary of all-time. So good for her, I guess.

Aside from that, The Amazing Spider-Man was the big winner, grossing more than half of its $230 budget since opening on the 4th of July, and Seth MacFarlane’s Ted is the summer’s biggest surprise steamroller. That’s gotta be good enough for a Ted sequel and maybe even a spin-off TV show. But is America ready for a show about an obnoxious slacker with a talking pet? That’s a pretty big risk.

Check out the rest of the Box Office Top 10 after the jump.

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"Ew, Tobey left the suit all stinky."

Opened Already: The Amazing Spider-Man, Katy Perry: Part of Me

Opening Everywhere: Savages

Never Heard of It: Crazy Eyes

FilmDrunk Suggests: Before Vince left, he told me very clearly that he strongly encourages everyone to go see Katy Perry: Part of Me. If the film is successful, he believes that she’ll take notice of him and hire him to be a backup dancer on tour.

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Here’s my favorite part of this story: that headline, while somewhat misleading, is 100% not a joke. From The Hollywood Reporter:

Magical Elves, the powerhouse producing duo of Dan Cutforth and Jane Lipsitz behind some of the biggest reality and non-scripted TV, is in negotiations to direct Paramount’s Katy Perry movie. [...]

The Perry movie will be a 3D concert-documentary movie hybrid that will aim to show Perry’s life on-stage and off-stage and give a fan’s perspective on the pop singer.

Wow, a 3D concert movie about a pop star? Sounds like a pretty big risk. The people in charge would really look like *boobs* if this fails. I mean, they’re dipping into the war *chest* to spring for 3D, and for what? I can’t think of a single reason a documentary about Katy Perry would require it. Beyond the financial risks, there’s also the physical effects 3D can have on the viewer, namely dizziness and loss of appetite. My prediction is that this movie will go ***bust***, and the Magical Elves will suffer a dramatic fall from grace. I hope they saved their money, or they’ll be stuck buying clothes off the ***RACK***, or maybe even living on the street and peeing into ***JUGS***.

I will be sure to keep you abreast of further news as it develops.