"IT'S CALLED A GAT!"

Last we heard about Channing Tatum’s upcoming The Son of No One, it was met with crappy reviews at Sundance, but that wasn’t going to stop our good friend C-Tates from becoming the hardest twerkin’ playa in da Hollyweird game. Sure, the movie still doesn’t have a release date in the U.S. and it is set to be released on DVD in Brazil in October, but that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily doomed.

At least it’s not stopping the studios from releasing a new HD trailer to try and change our minds. Granted, this trailer isn’t much different from the first one, and I’m pretty sure if you watch them both back-to-back you’ll figure out the entire plot, but that shouldn’t take away from the pure joy of experiencing a C-Tates joint. Besides, if you can’t at least giggle at the idea of Tatum’s character being named White, then I just can’t be friends with you anymore.

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The news today for Tom Cruise’s latest project, Rock of Ages, is that Saturday Night Live’s Will Forte is joining the cast of this Broadway-to-big-screen musical adaptation. Forte joins Cruise, Russell Brand, Alec Baldwin, Bryan Cranston, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Malin Akerman’s super hot self, among others, for this star-studded celebration of the Tony-nominated musical.

Cruise is playing 80s rock superstar Stacee Jaxx and you can see from the image above that he’s hardly sacrificing his trademark manliness that he’s so well-known for these days. Don’t you worry about that, friends, because his woman, Katie Holmes, says that he’s still a boss.

“Two years ago he took me up on his P-51 Mustang, a fighter plane from World War II. He painted the words, ‘Kiss Me, Kate’ on the side,” Holmes says in the August issue of InStyle. “It feels like you’re on a bike in the sky. I thought, I’m either going to spend this whole flight totally freaked out or realize this is pretty thrilling.” (Via People)

When they landed, Katie wrapped her arms around Tom’s neck and moved in to kiss him, but he pulled back and said, “Stop it! You’re messing up my scarf!”

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"TURN IT SIDEWAYS!"

Troubling news out of Sundance today, friends. It seems that Channing Tatum’s film The Son of No One has been met with less than stellar reviews. In fact, people walked out of its very important screening, including a number of studio execs. There’s just no respek in this Hollywood game these days.

The film, about a young cop (Tatum) who finds himself embroiled in controversy that could tear his family apart, features heavy star power, including Ray Liotta, Al Pacino, Katie Holmes and Tracy Morgan, which indicates that there should still be a demanding market for Son, despite people crapping all over it yesterday.

C-walk out of my theater, Hollywood Reporter…

Though the theater wasn’t full, the room was crowded with acquisitions execs wanting an early look at the film. Reps from Samuel Goldwyn, Paramount, Summit, the Weinstein Co., Sony Pictures Worldwide Acquisitions Group, IFC Films, Morgan Creek, Screen Media, Miramax and Relativity made it into the theater by the film’s opening credits.

Some of them, however, were gone well before the end credits. In addition, enough regular audience members left early for one observer to describe it as an “exodus.”

Baloney. Pure baloney. I’m so angry right now that I could just cuss. But I won’t because I know that this movie is going to be a success. Even worse, I’m going to have to explain this to my good friend C-Tates, because he actually sent me this link with the following message:

“YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH BOYYYYYYYYY, C-TATES IS DA MUTHA F*CKIN’ BOMB, YO!”

Poor guy. At least the poster lists some of the more positive reviews…

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Back in November, angelic unicorn whisperer Anne Hathaway hosted Saturday Night Live and the result was an episode that wasn’t necessarily terrible. And while I can sit here and break off into a 10,000-word rant about how terrible Jim Carrey’s recent hosting gig was, I won’t, because Vince won’t reach around if I do. What I can tell you is how Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are allegedly boycotting the Academy Awards because of Hathaway’s impression of Holmes from that episode.

Hathaway, who is as pure as a golden retriever’s smile, is hosting the Oscars alongside Filmdrunk favorite James Franco, so this news comes as a blow to the zero people who care about TomKat. As for the sketch and impression in question, for once I actually looked at Anne and thought, “Hey, she’s more than just an amazing rack and oddly pale hotness.” But Cruise and Holmes took the harmless impression as an insult and now they’re calling off their trip to the Oscars because they’re both terrible actors and will never be nominated for crap and would probably be left out of the “In Memoriam” montage at this point in their careers offended.

Jump on my couch, All Headline News…

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(“I want a sandwich this big.”)

Guillermo Del Toro is so busy collecting paychecks from ten different projects that I can hardly keep track.  According to IMDB, he currently has eight projects in development, seven that he produced currently in post production, plus writing and directing two Hobbit movies, not to mention that vampire book he co-wrote for some reason.  He’s so busy that now he’s handing off projects to his ‘proteges,’ like this remake of Don’t be Afraid of the Dark, which is good because I’m sure the public absolutely couldn’t wait for this gem.

Guy Pearce is in final negotiations and Bailee Madison is set to star with Katie Holmes in “Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark,” Miramax’s supernatural thriller being directed by Guillermo del Toro protege Troy Nixey.  “Dark” is based on a 1973 ABC telefilm about a young girl who moves in with her father and his girlfriend and discovers they are sharing the house with demonic creatures.  Del Toro and Matthew Robbins wrote the script. [THR]

Yep, a TV movie about a haunted house.  Does anyone remember that or care besides Guillermo Del Toro?  It doesn’t matter, he liked it and now he gets to remake it.  Welcome to the era of cinematic karaoke.