Every once in a while, I receive a press release and think, “Wow, you’re really just begging me to make fun of this, aren’t you.”  This was one of those times.

DMG Entertainment has secured the romantic action comedy “Killers” as the closing film at the 2010 Shanghai Film Festival, it was announced today by DMG Entertainment CEO, Dan Mintz.

“Killers is a coup for the Shanghai festival.  By understanding Western and Eastern culture, DMG understands what resonates with the Chinese people,” says Mintz.  “’Killers’ has two popular American stars in Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigl and the tone of this romantic action comedy has just the sort of identifiable traits in American projects that can be appreciated and enjoyed by the Chinese people.”

Mintz added: “The Chinese love American movies. However, it’s a tough market to break into and Hollywood needs to understand the subtleties of how to do business with China. We’ve spent 17 years perfecting the art of East West relations and we’re part of the cultural fabric, which mean we get things done.”

“We’ve spent 17 years in China and we know better than anyone that the Chinese will absolutely LOVE this Katherine Heigl Ashton Kutcher abortion that’s currently running 0% among top critics on RottenTomatoes. You think they care?  These people will eat sparrow eyes boiled in ox vomit and then smoke cigarettes made from rat turds.  That’s a delicacy here.”

2008: China tries to send tainted milk to America.  2010: America sends Killers to China.  Your move, China.

If you’re new to FilmDrunk, there’s this game we like to play: take an awful movie we’ll never see, and recreate the plot using only expository quotes from other people’s reviews (no analysis!).  My assumption is that these movies will soon be forever lost to history, and future archaeologists will have only these written accounts of their existence with which to piece together what it must have been like when these giant hunks of sh*t roamed the earth. Today’s film is Killers, starring Katherine Heigl and Ashton Kutcher, currently drawing a 0% from the top critics on RottenTomatoes. So what was it about?  Let’s find out!

In “Killers” Kutcher plays a CIA superspy assassin who wants out, for the sake of his relationship with a Type A control-freakish ninny played by Katherine Heigl. She played a ninnyish Type A control freak in her previous assignment with director Robert Luketic, “The Ugly Truth.” (ChicagoTribune)

Heigl is newly dumped, Maalox-chomping Jen Kornfeldt, (Variety)

…a cautious, un-spontaneous all-American lass first glimpsed a family vacation in Nice being harangued by her oddball parents (Tom Selleck and Catherine O’Hara) because her overly careful ways have driven away another suitor. (NY Daily News)

She’s so very sad – she was supposed to go there with her cad of an ex. (Philadelphia Inquirer)

Within 10 minutes of checking into her hotel, Jen’s met and madly fallen in love with a topless Spencer in the elevator. The sparks fly! The passion swells! That ultimate abyss, love, opens up! (Philadelphia Inquirer)

We learn long before poor Jen does that Spencer’s pecs weren’t sculpted only at the gym. Deep-sea diving for explosives when his crush isn’t looking, Spencer acrobatically re-emerges on land to plant his high-powered package under the hull of a helicopter (boom!), then meets Jen for drinks at sunset. (Variety)

After a witless date in which Jen seems unhinged, Spence is oddly drawn to her. (NY Daily News) [Weird, that's what my parents say when I ask them how they met. -Ed.]

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When Lionsgate first announced that they had a movie starring Katherine Heigl and Ashton Kutcher, I was all like, “Whoa, no way!” And when it was revealed that Kutcher would play a hitman who falls in love with Heigl’s Plain Jane to hilarious consequences, I was like, “Haha, awesome!” But now Lionsgate has pulled the film The Killers from advanced critic screenings, and I’m all like, “No way, bummer dude.”

Lionsgate’s decision is typical for a film that can only be described as a fossilized goat turd, as studio executives have watched it and determined it’s a complete and utter bomb ahead of time. This method is used to stop critics from destroying any hopes Lionsgate may have of ripping off the public on opening weekend. But Lionsgate denies this, stating that the decision was made because word travels so quickly now that they wanted critics and the regular audience to experience the film at the same time.

Wank dismissively with me, LA Times’ The Big Picture:

Still, it’s one thing to keep critics away–and another thing to come up with a preposterous excuse for doing so. I guess people in Hollywood just love to tell whoppers, which is the nice way of saying that when things go wrong they come up with explanations that are about as believable as BP’s rationale for why its Deepwater Horizon oil spill has been sending as much as 100,000 barrels of crude oil gushing into the Gulf of Mexico every day.

When a wintertime movie has a lousy opening, you often read quotes from the studio’s distribution chief blaming it on an East Coast snowstorm. When a director quits a film two weeks before it was supposed to start shooting, you always hear about “creative differences,” when it’s really because the filmmaker, after having one too many screaming fights with the star, said “It’s him or me.”

After the jump, you can read the full statement from the Lionsgate representative. Maybe I’m being too hard on him, but I thought it was a little rude to begin it with: “Dear Retards.”

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I know I already labeled Katherine Heigl’s other movie, Killers, “Win a Date with Tard Hamilton,” but I may have been a little premature (as is my wont).  It seems she’s doing this whole OTHER movie with the ACTUAL Tard Hamilton — you know, that one guy, Mr. Fergie.  It’s called Life as We Know It.

It starts out with Kegel Heigz and Tard Hamz gettin’ set up on a blind date. You’ll never believe this, but they don’t like each other right away.  In fact, they might even be complete opposites!  Like we’re talkin dueling, paper thin clichés like a positive and negative Rorschach blot that says “FART.”  She‘s a prim-and-proper career chick with a neat-ass apartment and a 5-year plan and sh*t.  He’s a lovable rogue, as evidenced by his hockey cap and novelty ring tone.  To add (*record scratch*) to (*bike horn*), he’s sitting in her SMART CAR wearing a MOTORCYCLE JACKET!  They’re the original odd couple!  But pretty soon, God has to kill their mutual friend so fate can bring them together.  Wouldn’t you know it?  Their dead friends had a baby, and they just up and willed that little f*cker to these two wacky opposites!  At the estate hearing, the judge took one look at these two unmarried, separately-dwelling Caucasians and shouted, “I SMELL HIJINKS! CASE CLOSED!” He banged his gavel, an old lady slipped on a banana peel, the sassy black baliff shouted “AW HELL NAW!” and a good laugh was had by all.  You see, sometimes you find love in the strangest of places, and all it takes is a little baby poop on your face.

"I'll have what she's having. Wait, no. On second thought, just bring me the ice cream menu."

Lakeshore Entertainment has acquired the script for The Age of Adaline, which has Katherine Heigl attached to star.  It was written by Mills Goodloe and Sal Paskowitz, but before I get into that, I must direct your attention to Sal Paskowitz’s one other IMDB credit, Nic & Tristan Go Mega Dega, which may have the best synopsis in history:

Twins Nic and Tristan are pumped: Today’s the Mega Dega Skateboard Comp and they’re ready to win! But their plans take a serious spill when they realize it’s their parents’ anniversary too. Now they have to out-maneuver the world’s most efficient babysitter, a magical broken statue, a rabid security guard and an angry punk mob. If the boys are going to win Mega Dega and save their parents’ marriage, it’s going to take all their skateboarding skills and a little help from their friends. Not to mention an army of cockroaches.

I’ve attached the trailer after the jump, and though it’s not nearly as good as the synopsis, it does have-a one-a spicy-a record scratch!  Mamma Mia!  (*kisses fingertips, grabs crotch, flips pizza dough*)  ANYWAY, back to the Katherine Heigl thing…

Mills Goodloe and Sal Paskowitz wrote the script, centering on a young woman, born at the turn of 20th century, who is rendered ageless after an accident. After years of a solitary life, she meets a man who might be worth losing her immortality  [*cough* CITY OF ANGELS! *cough* SUPERMAN 2 *cough, cough*].  Lakeshore and Heigl, repped by Paradigm and Abishag, also teamed on 2009′s “The Ugly Truth.” [THR]

That’s a neat accident.  I just hope that the lady who got her face torn off by that chimp one day meets a man for whom it would be worth not being horribly disfigured.  Because whatever happens to you as a result of an accident, it can be cured by the right guy, you see.  Ta da! You have eyeballs again, let’s f*ck.

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