New Year’s Eve is New Line/Warner Bros’ latest attempt to capitalize on the throw-10-trite-premises-at-the-wall-and-call-it-a-day formula of Valentine’s Day, which itself was basically Love Actually with more vignettes and famouser actors. Directed by the hollowed-out husk of Garry Marshall, it stars a who’s who of bland white jagoffs who make me want to kill myself, including Katherine Heigl, Ashton Kutcher, Jon Bon Jovi, Josh Duhamel, Zac Efron, that chick from Glee, and a billion other people including a cameo by Ryan Seacrest, in what appears to be an earnest attempt to create cinematic ipecac. A vom-com, say. My God, if I could kick a movie in the stomach… You can watch the just-released trailer below, if you dare. The horror, the horror…

Read the rest of this entry »

Forbes recently released their list of Hollywood’s ten highest-paid actresses and– AW GOD DAMMIT, KATHERINE HEIGL?! ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME?!? (*kicks puppy*) Aaaanywhoo, Sarah Jessica Parker, everyone’s favorite punching bag (horse jokes in the comments in 3, 2…) landed in the top spot, tied with Angelina Jolie at $30 million.  Rounding out the list are some other actresses you probably don’t like and Meryl Streep, a national treasure. Bash Reese Witherspoon all you want, but if you badmouth Dame Streep I will fight you.

1. Angelina Jolie, $30 million
1. (tie) Sarah Jessica Parker, $30 million
2. Jennifer Aniston, $28 million
2. (tie) Reese Witherspoon, $28 million
3. Julia Roberts, $20 million
3. (tie) Kristen Stewart, $20 million
4. Katherine Heigl $19 million
5. Cameron Diaz, $18 million
6. Sandra Bullock, $15 million
7. Meryl Streep, $10 million

Parker hasn’t strayed far from her association with fashion-lover Carrie Bradshaw from the hit TV show Sex and the City. In 2010 she starred in the second Sex movie, which earned $290 million. She’s designing clothes with Halston and she has a line of best-selling fragrances, including NYC, which brought in $18 million in 2010.
[Forbes]

That Kristen Stewart and Cameron Diaz make the list is obnoxious, but not as bad as Katherine Heigl. During the period Forbes examined to create their list, May 2010 to May 2011, Katherine Heigl made two movies, Killers, with Ashton Kutcher, which barely broke even, and Life As We Know It, with dynamic firebrand Josh Duhamel, which, surprisingly, made a decent amount of money. Those Rotten Tomatoes scores were 11% and 28%, respectively. I have to assume she made most of her money on Grey’s Anatomy residuals. Since that’s the show that introduced us to fecal transplants… I suppose the world does owe her a debt of gratitude. Not a $19 million debt, certainly, but… well, at least Kate Hudson didn’t make the list.

Katherine Heigl has dropped out of Adaline, a time travel movie in which she was set to play Angela Lansbury’s mom, and now the rumors are flying wanking.  Deadline says the word is, Heigl was fired after disagreements with Lakeshore. Both Heigl’s reps and the studio deny that, saying it was a scheduling decision.  Either way it’s a shame, because now the project is in limbo, and it’s possible we may never get to see…

…a beautiful woman who hasn’t aged in 100 years but hasn’t found love, either. She finally meets that guy for whom it might be worth embracing mortality, and all the wrinkles and sagging that comes with it.” But wait, there’s more. Adaline gains her immortality when just after she dies in a car accident she is immediately and almost simultaneously struck by lightning, keeping her forever in her 20s. [ThePlaylist]

This incredible story was set to be directed by Andy Tennant (who previously directed Hitch, Fool’s Gold, and The Bounty Hunter), from a script by Sal Paskowitz.  You may not know Sal Paskowitz, but allow me to familiarize you with his one other IMDB credit, Nic & Tristan Go Mega Dega:

Read the rest of this entry »

Katherine Heigl and Josh Duhamel’s Life as We Know It has been in theaters a week now, and while it seems like the obvious choice to just compile all the meanest review quips (“a living hell of a movie” -Rolling Stone), that’s too easy.  Instead, we have this game we play where we try to recreate the plot of the movie using only expository quotes (no analysis!) from reviews.  Exposition can be hard to find in reviews of a film that already provides every single dramatic beat in the trailer.  But you know what they say: that’s just life as we know it.

He’s a womanizing pig who works in the TV control booth for a professional Atlanta sports team. She’s a nurturing homebody who runs a gourmet store and bake shop like the one Meryl Streep had in “It’s Complicated.” Neither one knows the first thing about changing diapers. [WashingtonPost]

Holly Berenson (Heigl) and Eric Messer (Duhamel) — or “Mess,” as he is aptly known — get set up on a blind date by their friends, and it’s a disaster. He arrives scruffy. She’s ever so put together. He rides a battered motorcycle. She’s got a spiffy gas-sipper hardly bigger than his bike. [Washington Post/Denver Post]

Arriving an hour late with no dinner reservations and a post-date tryst already lined up, he takes a booty call from his late-night hookup. [New York Times]

But that’s set aside when their best friends are killed in a car crash. In their will, they named Holly and Messer as caretakers of their infant daughter — they’re little Sophie’s godparents. [Detroit News]]

Conveniently enough, there are no blood relatives who can take in the kid, other than one cousin who’s a stripper, another who already has nine children and a grandfather on an oxygen tank. [WashingtonPost]

Haha, a stripper with a kid, can you imagine!?!

Read the rest of this entry »

In honor of Katherine Heigl’s new movie, Life As We Know It opening this weekend — you know, the one where she gets baby poop on her face — the folks at Nerve recently put together this little compilation of clips from Katherine Heigl movies that shows what it takes to make out with Katherine Heigl.  Basically, all you have to do is

• Be a scruffy chauvinist, cynical but with a good heart
• Get stuck with her for a while — car ride, car accident, blind date, new job, etc.
• Use your boyish charm to teach her an important lesson about not taking life too seriously

Boom, next thing you know, you’re lockin’ lips with K-Heigz.  Though I don’t know why you’d want to.  Didn’t you see the part with the baby poop on her face?  Anyway, the point is, all Katherine Heigl movies are the same.  Haha, “Get out of my smart car!”  Classic!

I’ll do you one better, Nerve. Here’s every Katherine Heigl movie in a single picture:

(video via BestWeekEver)