(This is an extended version of a review originally written for the Portland Mercury)

I can’t decide whether The Big Wedding is a bad rom-com or if it’s actually a brilliant prank on the genre. When boring yuppie women plunk down their money for another beige Katherine Heigl movie with ‘Wedding’ in the title, I can’t imagine they expected to see Robert DeNiro going down on Susan Sarandon in the first scene, DeNiro filmed in POV from the perspective of Susan Sarandon’s vagina, him licking his lips like he’s craving a french dip sandwich with extra jus, his leering face peering over the tops of her pulled-down panties framed between the twin peaks of her splayed knees. I like to imagine a whole bachelorette party of them, holding each other’s hair back, puking cosmos in the bushes, crying and slobbering over the bait and switch. “WHAT THE F, LINDSAY, I THOUGHT YOU SAID THIS WAS A WEDDING MOVIE!” (*spew*)

It feels almost as if writer/director Justin Zackham wanted to make this slyly subversive sex comedy for grandparents -  “American Pie for sexagenarians,” as my old buddy Laremy described it – but was only allowed to if he cloaked it in the trappings of a generic rom-com, throwing it off the tallest rom-com tree and hitting every cliché on the way down. The result is a bizarre amalgam in which a 69-year-old Robert DeNiro brags about “laying pipe” on Diane Keaton and calls her “one of the great c*nts of the 19th century” all within the context of a wedding rom-com that otherwise could’ve been Frankensteined together from outtakes of Love Actually and She’s Just Not That Into You.

Here’s an abridged list of rom-com tropes present in The Big Wedding:

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Forbes today released their list of Hollywood’s most overpaid actors, finding that Eddie Murphy topped the list, with Katherine Heigl a distant second. I believe Forbes performed the study in conjunction with No Duh Magazine, with help from grant by the No Sh*t Institute’s Department of the Plainly Obvious. This after Murphy toplined Forbes’ number two bomb (hee hee! “number two bomb!”) of the year, A Thousand Words (The Oogieloves should really get some kind of award for managing to be worse than A Thousand Words).

Here’s the list, with the number meaning the amount of box office return for every dollar that actor was paid:

1. Eddie Murphy, $2.30
2. Katherine Heigl, $3.40
3. Reese Witherspoon, $3.90
4. Sandra Bullock, $5
5. Jack Black, $5.20
6. Nic Cage, $6
7. Adam Sandler, $6.30
8. Denzel Washington, $6.30
9. Ben Stiller, $6.50
10. Sarah Jessica Parker, $7

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You guys, I look at this banner image and actually feel bad for Topher Grace. That’s how bad this is. Just imagine if they combined ALL YOUR FAVORITE F*CKED-OUT ROM-COM PLOTS into ONE SOULLESS VACCUUM OF A CHARDONNAY FART?!?

THIS SUMMER! KATHERINE HEIGL QUEEFS INTO YOUR EYES, EARS, AND MOUTH! ROBERT DENIRO’S AGENT TRADES HIS LAST SHRED OF CREDIBILITY FOR AN EIGHT-BALL! AMANDA SEYFRIED SOMETHING SOMETHING DONKEY NOISE!

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Much like Bucky Larson, Katherine Heigl’s One for the Money was abruptly Trojan-horsed into theaters without being screened for critics this past weekend. But unlike Bucky Larson (still 0% after 35 reviews), One for the Money was able to win one fan (sort of!), bumping its recommended rating up to a whopping 3%. I’ve compiled here the ten most glowing quotes from Scott from MovieBuff‘s beaming two-and-a-half-star review. I also added exclamation points, because although they weren’t in the original review, I felt they captured the spirit of the review.

I think my favorite was “She never quite pulls off the Jersey persona but she comes close enough!”

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"After a while your agent stops calling and the next thing you know, you're doing movies with... well, you."

Opening Like The Gates Of Hell: One for the Money, The Grey, Man on a Ledge

FilmDrunk Suggests: I’m digging the previews for Man on a Ledge. Maybe it just looks better than it is because One for the Money previews air every six seconds, thanks to some half-tard exec who thinks that people still love Katherine Heigl.

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