My Dinner with A-Holes

For younger people, people younger than 45, say, I suspect all I’d have to say about Roman Polanski’s new film Carnage is that it takes place entirely within two rooms of an apartment building and the hall, and they’d stay away in droves. You kids with your short attention spans and your facetime and your f*ckable iPads, that’s an immature and close-minded reason not to see a movie. But in this case, luckily, there are also plenty of others.

Based on the play God of Carnage, by French playwright Yasmina Reza, Carnage follows two sets of parents, played by John C. Reilly and Jodie Foster, and Christoph Waltz and Kate Winslet, who meet to discuss a fight between their sons in a civilized manner. But as the day wears on, they become increasingly childish themselves! That’s… well, that’s pretty much it, really (feel free to make your own joke here about the guy creating an idealized vision of youthful innocence being Roman f*cking Polanski). It’s the kind of film that a certain sect of the older generation considers “classic drama,” that they’re going to try to sell to the rest of us, because people just don’t appreciate real stories without robots punchin’ each other anymore, gall durn it! Fair enough, but 12 Angry Men this ain’t. It’s important to make a distinction between a “scathing critique of contemporary society!” and characters obnoxiously bickering about contemporary issues in an unrealistic way.

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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I’d watch a movie with John C. Reilly and Christoph Waltz in it even if the director was a child rapist. In totally unrelated news, here we have the trailer for Carnage, adapted from the play God of Carnage, directed by Roman Polanski, starring John C. Reilly, Christoph Waltz, Kate Winslet, and Jodie Foster. It appears to have only one location, much like Polanski himself from December 2009 to July 2010, because of the raping.

As for the plot, seems Kate Winslet and Christoph Waltz’ kid beat up John C. Reilly and Jody Foster’s  kid at school, and now they’re having a big, philosophical to-do about it. At one point, Waltz is such a workaholic that his wife dunks his cell phone in water to teach him a lesson. How original! But wait, you’ll ruin his important business meeting with the Japanese! Still, I liked it better when an eagle stole Sandra Bullock’s Blackberry. More symbolic or something.

After the jump, two gifs that would’ve made this trailer a lot better.

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Despite MGM managing to accrue more debt than the GDP of a moderate-sized country, it looks like the long-planned James Bond film, Bond 23, is back on, and with director Sam Mendes (American Beauty) still attached. Earlier this month, MGM set a tentative release date of November 2012, and although no one believes those broke deadbeats anymore, Mendes’ wife, Kate Winslet, recently gave their claims credibility.  On a short break from baring her breasts in a tasteful manner that benefits the story, Winslet told the Daily Mail:

‘Sam is doing the next Bond film, all being well, and we’ll all be in England if that happens. It’s such a massive commitment for him and it’s not fair for him to commute backwards and ­forwards to New York from ­London. It would be impossible. The children will be there with me,’ Kate told me exclusively.

I asked Kate if there was a small role for her in the Bond picture, perhaps as a Bond girl? She laughed and shook her head and said: ‘No!’

Yeah, great question, Daily Mail.  Casting his wife as a Bond girl would be a little self indulgent, even for Sam Mendes.  And anyway, I’m much more excited for the scene where Daniel Craig pulls down the front of his speedo and showers me with red rose petals.  Think of the symbolism!

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Nope, that title is not an accidental repeat from last year. British actor and comedian Ricky Gervais has been invited back to host the Golden Globes once again, despite his last hosting gig that was marred with despicable things like him being funny, charming and refreshing. The Globes, more commonly known as the Special Olympics of film and television awards, consist of the Hollywood Foreign Press making tough-but-fair and long, earnestly conceived decisions regarding the best of movies and TV for the past year. Some say that the event’s prestige and dignity are rivaled by none. Others say *fart noise*.

The return of Gervais just might make the show watchable for the second straight year, as his performance at the last ceremony was filled with such highlights as making fun of Mel Gibson and, well, a bunch of other stuff, but really it was all about his joke about Mel’s drinking. And now he gets to do it again, after Mel’s ridiculous year. This is going to be comedy heaven.

Who does the award for Best Celebrity Who Can’t Take a Joke go to, Variety?

Reviews for Gervais’ first outing were Goldilocks-like — some critics thought he was too mean to some of the assembled celebrities, while others thought — given the wicked edge of his past work — he wasn’t provocative enough. And others thought he was just right.

His best line at a 2010 awards show, ironically, came at the Emmys, when he took a pointed dig at Mel Gibson: “I’m not going to have a go at him; he’s been through a lot,” Gevais [sic] announced, referring to the beleaguered star’s recent scandals. Then, after a perfectly timed beat, he added, “(though) not as much as the Jews.” At the Globes he chided Gibson a bit more mildly.

I included that excerpt about his best line because it’s certainly a good line, but come on… is that better than: “I enjoy a drink as much as the next guy, as long as the next guy isn’t… Mel Gibson!” I think not. But you can see for yourself in the collection of Gervais Golden Globe highlights after the jump…

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My copy of this month’s Playboy hasn’t arrived yet, probably because my mailman is Puerto Rican and everyone knows those people steal.  Or I don’t know, maybe he’s just taking a nap. What am I, his parole officer?  Anyway, there’s an interview with James Cameron in it, and it sounds like he’s his usual, curmudgeonly self.

“I made Titanic because I wanted to dive to a shipwreck, not because I particularly wanted to make the movie…Titanic was about ‘f*ck you’ money,” he said. And on Kate Winslet almost dying while filming: “We simply let Kate think she was nearly drowning. A little sputtering and coughing does not count in my book, because I have almost drowned several times…Anybody who signs on [with me] is going to be tested.”

On his 25th high school reunion: “If you ever go to a 25th high school reunion, make sure that in the previous two months you’ve made the world’s highest-grossing movie, won 11 Academy Awards and become physically bigger than most of those guys who used to beat you up. I walked up to them one by one and said, ‘You know, I could take your ass right now, and I’m tempted, but I won’t.’ Actually, they were all nice guys except for one who was still big and mean. I left him alone.” [Cinematical]

Cameron later went on to clarify that The Abyss was more about ‘love me, daddy’ money, while True Lies was ‘you think you’re better’n me’ money, and if all goes well, Avatar will make piles of ‘is it in yet’ money.