This is the trailer for Kate Hudson’s latest Al-Qaeda recruitment video, A Little Bit of Heaven. For the first minute or so, it’s your standard rom-com trailer.  She’s a feisty free-spirit who owns a bulldog and sleeps around.  Does she sleep around because she’s a slut, or has she just not met the right guy??? I can’t wait to find out!  And what of the cancer she contracts during a glib dinner party? Before we can find out, at the 1:26 mark, this happens:

Whoa, slow down there, sailor. Was that a hard cut to the afterlife, in the TRAILER?  And without even a (*RECORD SCRATCH*) to warn us?  Jeez, ballsy move.  Anyway, that’s where Kate Hudson meets God (Whoopi Goldberg, obviously), who gives her one last chance to meet the man of her dreams and stop being so much of a whore.  Will she finally have sex for love before the cancer consumes her?  Find out in… The Lovely Bone.  That’s what they should’ve called it.

[via BestWeekEver]

Remember Gael García Bernal?  That handsome young fellow who was so good in Y Tu Mamá Tambien and Amores Perros (Netflix them both immediately if you haven’t seen them)?  Well forget him, he’s gone now.  The body snatchers got him.  They sucked out his innards and replaced them with Photoshop and canned laughter and record scratch sound effects.  Now when he talks, all you can hear is a faint queefing sound.

The film follows a guarded woman who discovers she has cancer, but when she meets her soulmate, the threat of falling in love is scarier than death.

Get it?  “A little bit of heaven,” because she’s dying of cancer.  “Hold on to love” because you never know when it might die of cancer.

Sidenote: The director of this one is Nicole Kassell, who last did The Woodsman, which i actually really liked. [poster via Pajiba]

The Black List is a list of Hollywood’s best unproduced scripts as voted on by executives.  The projects are interesting not because most executives aren’t complete idiots, but because projects tend to be better when they start with an actual script, instead of some half-assed pitch like, “Hey, what about guinea-pig secret agents?”  Anyway, here’s an update on two:

Zombieland director Ruben Fleischer signed on to direct 30 Minutes or Less, a script by Matthew Sullivan and Michael Diliberti.  I wasn’t a huge fan of Zombieland, but I thought the visual style was very cool, and I was hoping his next project wouldn’t be stock characters in a stock premise again.  Now THR reports that Aziz Ansari in a story that… “revolves around a junior high history teacher (Ansari) and a pizza-delivery man who are forced to rob a bank when one of them is strapped to a bomb vest.”  ThePlaylist has more details on the plot, though they warn it’s “spoilery”.  Meanwhile, Danny McBride is in talks to co-star as Ansari’s straitlaced University classics professor.  Ha, just kidding, he’ll play a “white trash goon.”  In honor of that, here’s a Tweet from KF*ckingP: “Doing free pap smears today on Miami Beach to raise money for Haiti. Let’s get our troops home!”  There’s so much right with that.

Rob Corddry will sculpt your butter for Obama.  In Butter, a script by Jason Micalleff ,Rob Corddry will stir Jim Carrey’s vanilla, stepping into a role he turned down, of a former butter-sculpting champion whose wife (Jennifer Garner) is the heir apparent to win this year’s title, only to be thwarted by a young black girl.  The whole thing is said to be a satire of the 2008 Iowa democratic caucus (the black girl is Obama, Jennifer Garner is Hillary).  Box-office toilet poison Kate Hudson is also signed to star, presumably as a stand in for Sarah Palin, the chick that ruins everything for everyone.  [via LATimesblog]

Butter is a Jason Micallef script “that uses a butter-carving contest at the Iowa State Fair as a metaphor for 2008′s Hilary versus Obama Iowa caucus showdown,” which won a Nicholl Fellowship and made the 2009 Black List.  Ergo, it’s probably pretty good.  So what has The Weinstein Company done to it?  Why, they’re trying to hire Kate Hudson and Jim Carrey, according to Vulture:

Carrey playing a philandering, Bill Clinton–esque repeat sculpting champion who is forced to stop competing because he’s “termed out.” When his long-suffering wife (Jennifer Garner is already signed on) finally steps up for her chance to become America’s next top dairy queen, she’s pitted against a 12-year-old African-American girl in foster care. Hudson would co-star as the Carrey character’s illicit paramour.

That sounds like a promising concept.  And although Jim Carrey and Kate Hudson were both at one point in their careers actors I enjoyed (Eternal Sunshine, Almost Famous), after like 15 Bride Wars and Fun with Dicks and Jane in a row, their presence is now a net negative.

I hate how studios try to cast comedies the same way they would an action movie — get big-name actors, any big-name actors, just to raise the project’s profile, rather than just using comedians or unknowns (consider that the cast of The Hangover were once considered too under-the-radar to warrant funding).  Sony did the same thing with Bad Teacher and Cameron Diaz, another black-list comedy.  It doesn’t work that way for comedy.  Yes, Jim Carrey, Kate Hudson, and Cameron Diaz are all stars with high profiles.  The problem is, they’ve also become known for being in crappy comedies.  Giving them a good script to work with is like getting Louis CK to write jokes for Larry the Cable Guy.  They might be funny, but the audience that would actually enjoy them ain’t gonna hear them.

(Kelly Brook and Riley Steele on the set of Piranha 3D; source = WWTDD)

Sometimes we forget that the victims of this financial crisis aren’t all Best Buy clerks who can no longer afford the mortgage payments on their $600,000 house, or Wall Street execs who couldn’t buy new ponies for their daughter’s yacht this Christmas.  Some of the victims are just regular, hard-working films like Piranha 3D.

The Weinstein Company has fallen on hard times. Nine is a financial disaster, despite its Golden Globe nominations. And their 2009 genre box office was gloomy.
Tonight, the company has announced Piranha 3D has been pushed out of April into an undetermined August slot. David Glaser, a senior Weinstein Co. executive, tells the L.A. Times that the decision was not motivated by finances.
Sources tell us that when the film does arrives in August, it will not be in 3D. [Shocktillyoudrop]

Poor Piranha 3D. It’s sad when you can’t even afford the thing that’s in the title.  But I think we all know who’s to blame for this:  Kate Hudson.  That’s right, Kate Hudson.  Kate Hudson was in Nine, and they even let her sing a damned song in the trailer, despite the fact that she hasn’t been in a movie that’s scored over 50% on RottenTomatoes in ten years.  Her last four scored 12%, 15%, 10%, and 21%, respectively (full numbers after the jump).  Kate Hudson is to movies what Chinese milk is to baby food, and not only do they not take her out, they keep putting her name on the box.  Bottom line, this is all her fault, and the sooner she pays us back the TARP money, the sooner we can all get on with our lives.

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