Starring Kate Hudson, Gael Garcia Bernal, Madame Cat, and Special Needs Pig

Plot of Little Bit of Heaven, Recreated Using Quotes from Passive-Aggressive Reviews

I know the big story is that The Avengers opens today, and thus you may have missed this, but did you know that there’s also a rom-com coming out about Kate Hudson getting ass cancer, and it’s called “Little Bit of Heaven”? And that “Little Bit of Heaven” is also the name of a gay dwarf prostitute played by Peter Dinklage? And that Kate Hudson meets God, in the form of Whoopi Goldberg, who urges her to find love? These are things that I now know.

Again, if you’re not familiar with our “Plot Recreated with Passive Aggressive Reviews” feature, the way it works is, we try to piece together an entire terrible movie using only summary quotes written by put-upon critics. This one’s going to be fun.

As the picture opens, Marley rushes out of her criminally-cute apartment to dash off to her job — late again! — on her charmingly rusty vintage bicycle. She arrives at work just in time to give a killer presentation that lands her company a big new client, a condom manufacturer. (Movieline)

The sun doesn’t just shine but also bathes her in radiant, honeyed light. Life is just one long and lovely feminine hygiene commercial. (NYTimes)

One of the hottest female ad executives in the business, she’s married to her job. She’s also a bit of a commitment-phobe. (ReelViews)

A self-described slut, Marley also has a hookup book that she regularly dips into for recreational sex. (NYTimes)

Her buddies and family think her current friend with benefits, Rob, might make great husband material, but she’s not sold. She likes him, but doesn’t “like him like that.” (ReelViews)

She lives in an apartment with a colorful horse painted on the wall and a functional, frilly swing in the dining room (AV Club)

…has a gorgeous courtyard apartment in New Orleans, complete with sassy gay black neighbor (Romany Malco) and adorably mush-faced bulldog. (TheWrap)

Marley Corbett has a sunny irreverence and Teflon resistance to emotional attachment that leaves her happily impervious to just about everything, even when, one fine day, she’s diagnosed with colon cancer. (VillageVoice)

She is losing weight and has rectal bleeding. (SFChronicle)

Marley finally sees a doctor about her run-down state, and wouldn’t you know, that doc, Dr. Goldstein, EW

a “Jewish Mexican,” (ReelViews)

is single, cute, and played by moist-eyed Gael García Bernal. (EW)

Hudson flirts with Bernal as he preps her for a colonoscopy, followed by a fantasy sequence in which Hudson’s spirit travels to heaven and talks to God, who takes the form of Whoopi Goldberg, who informs her, sassily, that she’s dying. The Almighty grants her three wishes on the way out, however, though She knows—being omniscient and all—that what Hudson really wants is to find love before she dies. (AV Club)

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As you’ll see later today, I often write film reviews.  But since my site isn’t all film reviews, I have the freedom not to review every film, such as the ones I can tell ahead of time aren’t my cup of tea, and will serve only throw off the curve when I’m trying to form an opinion about something I actually care about later.  Have you ever read an aging critic who’s had to suffer through every Larry the Cable Guy armpit fart and Katherine Heigl queef balloon (or their earlier equivalents) for the last 30 years?  Even the good ones eventually go crazy, just look at Peter Travers.  Last I heard, the man was trying to hail a cab with his own feces.  In any case, this idea eventually gave birth to this game we play, where we take a movie most of us will never have to see, and try to recreate the entire plot using only expository quotes from the poor-bastard critics forced by hateful editors to suffer through it.  We try to use only their faux-neutral summary sections, but the beauty of it is, their utter disdain often still manages to shine through.

Today’s victim is Something Borrowed, starring Kate Hudson.  If you’ve ever seen a movie before, you should know the entire plot of a movie called Something Borrowed starring Kate Hudson ahead of time, but these poors sons of bitches went anyway.  Here’s a cross section of their screams as Kate Hudson spike heeled their testicles (or ovaries).

Ginnifer Goodwin stars as Rachel, a lonely, insecure flibbertigibbet with a knack for getting herself into embarrassing situations. Kate Hudson plays Darcy, her best friend since childhood, but the two have grown into very different people: Goodwin a shy, steady, humble professional and Hudson a bubbly, narcissistic party girl. -AV Club

Darcy and Rachel, both lawyers, live in New York — a place, as rendered by the director, Luke Greenfield, from which anyone seeking diversity and glamour would surely flee for Omaha. -NY Times

(At one point we do see an extra on a park bench engrossed in “Something Blue,” by Emily Giffin, who also wrote the best-selling novel on which “Something Borrowed” is based.) -NY Times

“Something Borrowed” introduces us to Rachel, on the night of her 30th birthday. She’s quietly freaking out about the passage of time because she’s still hopelessly single, the clichéd trademark of so many chick-lit heroines. Meanwhile, her closest pal is about to marry Dex (Colin Egglesfield), Rachel’s good friend from law school. -AP

…a hot rich guy as passive as he is handsome. -EntertainmentWeekly

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I apologize in advance for yet again making you aware of a new Kate Hudson rom-com, but I find this project fascinating.  First, the awesomely rom-commy title, “Something Borrowed,” should tell you everything you need to know.  But if that’s not enough, you also get a trailer that sets up the story — Ginnifer Goodwin’s best friend Kate Hudson is marrying her super-handsome-but-platonic male friend.  MY GOD, I’VE NEVER SEEN A ROMANTIC COMEDY BEFORE, WHAT COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN BETWEEN THE TWO ATTRACTIVE PLATONIC CAUCASIANS BEFORE THE CREDITS ROLL??  Oh, but it doesn’t stop there.  It also introduces a brand new, even-more-intelligence-insulting character to the crappy rom-com family: EXPOSITORY JOHN KRASINSKI!

BUT WAIT, I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND THE SUBTEXT OF THE THING THAT HAPPENED FIVE SECONDS AGO, PLEASE BREAK IT DOWN FOR ME, JOHN KRASINSKI! HEY, MAYBE WE COULD EVEN HAVE CHARACTER CONFESSIONALS LIKE ON THE HILLS! Ooh, ooh, what else can we cross off the lazy hack writer checklist?

• Irrelevant dance montage
• Character chokes on wine at dinner party, OH NO, NOT THE FREUDIAN WINE CHOKE!
• Running through the rain

Also, this isn’t really a cliché, but it’s such a stunningly nauseating example of yuppie mouth puke that I thought it bore mention… F*CKING BADMINTON ON THE BEACH WHILE DRINKING CHARDONNAY:

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"God, I hope I don't die right after this."

Tragically overshadowed by the Oscars and Charlie Sheen’s magical fighter jet brain, producer/director Gary Winick died last night at the age of 49.  To add insult to injury, his most recent films were Bride Wars and Letters to Juliet, which is a shame, because before Kate Hudson had him Raul Julia’d, it sounds like he was a legit dude.

Winick’s most enduring legacy is likely the one he left on a smaller community, the thousands of filmmakers who have and will continue to benefit from his work as a digital pioneer at the turn of the century as the founder of InDigEnt, the collective he created with Cinetic’s John Sloss and IFC Films to make films for under $100,000 on digital video.

Inspired by the Dogme 95 movement out of Denmark, and especially Thomas Vinterberg’s “The Celebration,” Winick saw a similar opportunity in America, knowing the depth (and underutilization) of New York’s indie filmmaking community, observing much of it firsthand as a teacher at NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts for nearly a decade. By luring the likes of Richard Linklater, Ethan Hawke and then-budding auteurs like Rodrigo Garcia and Rebecca Miller, Winick gave digital filmmaking credibility at a time when it didn’t seem like the inevitability it is today and, better yet, produced 19 films between 2001 to 2007 that included gems such as Linklater’s “Tape,” Miller’s “Personal Velocity,” Peter Hedges’ “Pieces of April” and Steve Buscemi’s “Lonesome Jim” and Andrew Wagner’s “Starting Out in the Evening.” [IFC]

It’s terrible to say when we’re talking about a man dying, but I’m having trouble covering anything while Charlie Sheen’s epic meltdown continues.  Winick’s cause of death is still unknown, but I have a hunch Charlie Sheen melted his face off and exploded his body.  I honestly can’t imagine it happening any other way.

Oh please oh please oh please....

While we wait patiently for the studio to set a release date for A Little Bit of Heaven, in which Kate Hudson stars opposite Whoopi Goldberg and the hollowed-out corpse of Gael Garcia Bernal, we’ve got a new trailer for Kate Hudson’s other movie, Something Borrowed, to tide us over.  This one stars Ginnifer Goodwin as a cute lawyer who falls in love with a guy at law school, only he ends up getting engaged to Kate Hudson after a charming mix up at a bar (HAHA, ISN’T THAT ALWAYS THE WAY).  On the eve of the wedding, Ginnifer Goodwin sleeps with him and wouldn’t you know it (*RECORD SNATCH*) it’s actually her that he loves!  Her sassy gay friend John Krasinski yells, “RACHEL YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!”, but will she realize in time???

I could probably predict everything else that happens in this movie, if only I wasn’t Terry-Schiavo-with-a-feeding-tube-filled-with-paint-chips level dumb! ;-(  I better go see it!

Meanwhile, in I-sh*t-you-not-this-is-actually-true news, there’s already a plan in place for a Something Borrowed sequel, entitled… wait for it… Something Blue.  Yeah, something blew alright, Kate Hudson’s last 10 movies. (*shoots toy pistol, flag falls out reading “THAT’S A BURN”*)  I’ve seen snuff films less offensive to women. (Granted, I’ve seen a lot of snuff films.  Like, a LOT.)

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