As you’ll see later today, I often write film reviews.  But since my site isn’t all film reviews, I have the freedom not to review every film, such as the ones I can tell ahead of time aren’t my cup of tea, and will serve only throw off the curve when I’m trying to form an opinion about something I actually care about later.  Have you ever read an aging critic who’s had to suffer through every Larry the Cable Guy armpit fart and Katherine Heigl queef balloon (or their earlier equivalents) for the last 30 years?  Even the good ones eventually go crazy, just look at Peter Travers.  Last I heard, the man was trying to hail a cab with his own feces.  In any case, this idea eventually gave birth to this game we play, where we take a movie most of us will never have to see, and try to recreate the entire plot using only expository quotes from the poor-bastard critics forced by hateful editors to suffer through it.  We try to use only their faux-neutral summary sections, but the beauty of it is, their utter disdain often still manages to shine through.

Today’s victim is Something Borrowed, starring Kate Hudson.  If you’ve ever seen a movie before, you should know the entire plot of a movie called Something Borrowed starring Kate Hudson ahead of time, but these poors sons of bitches went anyway.  Here’s a cross section of their screams as Kate Hudson spike heeled their testicles (or ovaries).

Ginnifer Goodwin stars as Rachel, a lonely, insecure flibbertigibbet with a knack for getting herself into embarrassing situations. Kate Hudson plays Darcy, her best friend since childhood, but the two have grown into very different people: Goodwin a shy, steady, humble professional and Hudson a bubbly, narcissistic party girl. -AV Club

Darcy and Rachel, both lawyers, live in New York — a place, as rendered by the director, Luke Greenfield, from which anyone seeking diversity and glamour would surely flee for Omaha. -NY Times

(At one point we do see an extra on a park bench engrossed in “Something Blue,” by Emily Giffin, who also wrote the best-selling novel on which “Something Borrowed” is based.) -NY Times

“Something Borrowed” introduces us to Rachel, on the night of her 30th birthday. She’s quietly freaking out about the passage of time because she’s still hopelessly single, the clichéd trademark of so many chick-lit heroines. Meanwhile, her closest pal is about to marry Dex (Colin Egglesfield), Rachel’s good friend from law school. -AP

…a hot rich guy as passive as he is handsome. -EntertainmentWeekly

Read the rest of this entry »

I apologize in advance for yet again making you aware of a new Kate Hudson rom-com, but I find this project fascinating.  First, the awesomely rom-commy title, “Something Borrowed,” should tell you everything you need to know.  But if that’s not enough, you also get a trailer that sets up the story — Ginnifer Goodwin’s best friend Kate Hudson is marrying her super-handsome-but-platonic male friend.  MY GOD, I’VE NEVER SEEN A ROMANTIC COMEDY BEFORE, WHAT COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN BETWEEN THE TWO ATTRACTIVE PLATONIC CAUCASIANS BEFORE THE CREDITS ROLL??  Oh, but it doesn’t stop there.  It also introduces a brand new, even-more-intelligence-insulting character to the crappy rom-com family: EXPOSITORY JOHN KRASINSKI!

BUT WAIT, I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND THE SUBTEXT OF THE THING THAT HAPPENED FIVE SECONDS AGO, PLEASE BREAK IT DOWN FOR ME, JOHN KRASINSKI! HEY, MAYBE WE COULD EVEN HAVE CHARACTER CONFESSIONALS LIKE ON THE HILLS! Ooh, ooh, what else can we cross off the lazy hack writer checklist?

• Irrelevant dance montage
• Character chokes on wine at dinner party, OH NO, NOT THE FREUDIAN WINE CHOKE!
• Running through the rain

Also, this isn’t really a cliché, but it’s such a stunningly nauseating example of yuppie mouth puke that I thought it bore mention… F*CKING BADMINTON ON THE BEACH WHILE DRINKING CHARDONNAY:

Read the rest of this entry »

"God, I hope I don't die right after this."

Tragically overshadowed by the Oscars and Charlie Sheen’s magical fighter jet brain, producer/director Gary Winick died last night at the age of 49.  To add insult to injury, his most recent films were Bride Wars and Letters to Juliet, which is a shame, because before Kate Hudson had him Raul Julia’d, it sounds like he was a legit dude.

Winick’s most enduring legacy is likely the one he left on a smaller community, the thousands of filmmakers who have and will continue to benefit from his work as a digital pioneer at the turn of the century as the founder of InDigEnt, the collective he created with Cinetic’s John Sloss and IFC Films to make films for under $100,000 on digital video.

Inspired by the Dogme 95 movement out of Denmark, and especially Thomas Vinterberg’s “The Celebration,” Winick saw a similar opportunity in America, knowing the depth (and underutilization) of New York’s indie filmmaking community, observing much of it firsthand as a teacher at NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts for nearly a decade. By luring the likes of Richard Linklater, Ethan Hawke and then-budding auteurs like Rodrigo Garcia and Rebecca Miller, Winick gave digital filmmaking credibility at a time when it didn’t seem like the inevitability it is today and, better yet, produced 19 films between 2001 to 2007 that included gems such as Linklater’s “Tape,” Miller’s “Personal Velocity,” Peter Hedges’ “Pieces of April” and Steve Buscemi’s “Lonesome Jim” and Andrew Wagner’s “Starting Out in the Evening.” [IFC]

It’s terrible to say when we’re talking about a man dying, but I’m having trouble covering anything while Charlie Sheen’s epic meltdown continues.  Winick’s cause of death is still unknown, but I have a hunch Charlie Sheen melted his face off and exploded his body.  I honestly can’t imagine it happening any other way.

Oh please oh please oh please....

While we wait patiently for the studio to set a release date for A Little Bit of Heaven, in which Kate Hudson stars opposite Whoopi Goldberg and the hollowed-out corpse of Gael Garcia Bernal, we’ve got a new trailer for Kate Hudson’s other movie, Something Borrowed, to tide us over.  This one stars Ginnifer Goodwin as a cute lawyer who falls in love with a guy at law school, only he ends up getting engaged to Kate Hudson after a charming mix up at a bar (HAHA, ISN’T THAT ALWAYS THE WAY).  On the eve of the wedding, Ginnifer Goodwin sleeps with him and wouldn’t you know it (*RECORD SNATCH*) it’s actually her that he loves!  Her sassy gay friend John Krasinski yells, “RACHEL YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!”, but will she realize in time???

I could probably predict everything else that happens in this movie, if only I wasn’t Terry-Schiavo-with-a-feeding-tube-filled-with-paint-chips level dumb! ;-(  I better go see it!

Meanwhile, in I-sh*t-you-not-this-is-actually-true news, there’s already a plan in place for a Something Borrowed sequel, entitled… wait for it… Something Blue.  Yeah, something blew alright, Kate Hudson’s last 10 movies. (*shoots toy pistol, flag falls out reading “THAT’S A BURN”*)  I’ve seen snuff films less offensive to women. (Granted, I’ve seen a lot of snuff films.  Like, a LOT.)

Read the rest of this entry »

Oh, hello. I didn't see you there. I was busy being in every movie ever.

In shocking news that will shock you like an electric shock, Hollywood unknowns James Franco and Kate Hudson are attached to a movie. I know. How refreshing to see a couple up-and-comers get a chance, right? Hit me Deadline:

127 Hours star James Franco is in discussions to play pornographer Chuck Traynor in a Linda Lovelace film that will be directed by his Howl helmers Rob Epstein and Jeffrey Friedman. Kate Hudson has the offer to play the title role in Lovelace, the W. Merritt Johnson-scripted adaptation of Eric Danville’s book The Complete Linda Lovelace.

Just so we’re clear on this, there are two (2) movies in development that tell the life story of Linda Lovelace. Of course they’ll fill in the story with what led her to the star in Deep Throat, and the fallout of being in one of the most legendary porn films of all time, but it really seems like we skipped over some people in the biopic genre to get to her. I just imagine some coked-up exec making a list of people to make movies about that reads:

1) Ray Charles, legendary blind musician.
2) Johnny Cash, country icon.
3) George W. Bush, controversial President and timely news figure.
4) That one lady who could totally swallow a whole ding dong.

As far as the casting goes, I just have a few thoughts. First of all, while Kate Hudson is a nice actress and everything, I don’t know that I’ll buy her as a porn star. If I were in charge, I’d probably have cast someone with a little more… talent (*cups hands twelve inches from chest to indicate large breasts*). As far as James Franco, of course he’s in it. Why wouldn’t he be? I mean, it IS a movie.

James Franco GIF action after the jump

Read the rest of this entry »