(“Stay out my store! How may time I tew you? Riddo brack boy stay deess side wall unress you wan’ buy!”)

It’s less than a week before we get to see Will Smith’s son play dress up with millions of dollars of studio money, and the studio has released a final trailer (watch it below).  Finally, it’s the version of the Karate Kid starring an annoying, whiny 11-year-old you always wanted.

12-year-old Dre Parker (Smith) could’ve been the most popular kid in Detroit, but his mother’s (Henson) latest career move has landed him in China. Dre immediately falls for his classmate Mei Ying—and the feeling is mutual—but cultural differences make such a friendship impossible [no boom-boom with soul brudda!  soul brudda too beaucoup!]. Even worse, Dre’s feelings make an enemy of the class bully, Cheng. In the land of kung fu, Dre knows only a little karate, and Cheng puts “the karate kid” on the floor with ease [looks like they solved that little karate/kung fu problem, didn't they]. With no friends in a strange land, Dre has nowhere to turn but maintenance man Mr. Han (Chan), who is secretly a master of kung fu.

Gosh, sure I hope he gets the girl.  It’d be a real shame if an 11-year-old boy didn’t find a Chinese chick to play jacks with or whatever.  Last time I found myself rooting for two 11-year-olds to fall in love, I was partying at Roman Polanski’s chalet.  Anyway, the only way this massive hunk of sh*t could be any good is if three fourths of the movie was Jackie Chan beating up fifth graders.

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(“Dere, now you stay out my store!  I tew you million time you buy or you leave!  My store not ribrary!  Riddo brack boy stay dis side wall unress you want buy!”)

Courtesy of /Film, here are a few more pictures from Sony’s Karate Kid remake starring Jaden Smith and Jackie Chan.  Once again I must point out that Karate is Japanese, so having a black kid do karate on top of the Great Wall is kind of the equivalent of a bunch of Arabs playing cricket at ground zero. Sort of.

In case you’ve repressed the memory, Will Smith is producing a Karate Kid remake in China, to be partially financed by China’s state-run China Film Group Corps, starring Jaden Smith as Daniel-san and Jackie Chan as Mr. Miyagi.  Moviehole recently dug up some details on the project and here is what they learned:

• Daniel-san will be named “Dre”.
• Story set in motion when Dre’s mom gets transferred to Beijing
• Dre’s “a skateboarding video-game buff” who has a rough time adjusting and gets beaten up by bullies, especially one named Li Quan Ha
• Chan’s Mr. Miyagi character, now called “Mr. Han,” is Dre’s building maintenance man, who discovers Dre (with a black eye) practicing martial arts kicks from his video game.
• “It’s still called “The Karate Kid” despite rumours it’d be retitled “The Kung Fu Kid” – which would make sense, considering it’s Kung-Fu, not Karate, that our hero learns in the film.”

And instead of a karate tournament, later in the film, Mr. Han helps Dre get a job with the government, where he’s on the front lines of a brutal crackdown on Li Quan Ha’s pro-democracy demonstration.  In the climactic scene, Dre crack’s open Quan’s skull with a “crane stick.”  Take that, bully.

As you may have noticed, Hollywood spends a lot of time remaking stuff and making movies out of toys these days.  Hollywood Reporter recently tried to explain the phenomenon, and I’ve copied some of the highlights below, but the short answer is: Moovie peeple don’t reed gud.

The 1980s have turned into a full-fledged garage sale of titles. “Romancing the Stone,” “Footloose,” “A Nightmare on Elm Street,” “Dune,” “The Karate Kid,” “Red Dawn,” “RoboCop,” “The Big Chill,” “Arthur,” “Ghostbusters” and “The NeverEnding Story” are but a few of the titles from that decade being developed around town.
When Warners solicited open writing assignments in February, eight of the 10 requests were for projects based on a previous movie or other branded property.
“If you’re trying to get a movie made now, you can push the rock up a mountain or you can push it on flat ground,” said one studio-based producer, explaining the rationale for remake mania [NOTHING]. “And most of us would rather push it on flat ground.”
Neil Moritz, who produced [4 Fast 4 Furious] is developing a new version of “Total Recall” as well as relaunching “XXX,” which first hit the screen just seven years ago. “Lara Croft” is getting a new treatment from Dan Lin and Warner Bros . Fox already is eyeing a relaunch of its “Fantastic Four” franchise.  And at ShoWest last week, Sony said it will bring back “Men in Black” for another escapade.
“For original movies, you need to advertise the idea, the story — it’s about convincing people that it’s worth seeing,” one executive said. “With something that is branded, no education is required.”

*snort*  No education required, ha, sounds like being a studio exec.  *wonders* too subtle?
*Jumps up on desk mouthing “SUCK IT” and thrusting hips*

I was reading this article about Hollywood planning to remake The Karate Kid, and immediately started thinking of a Nick Cannon joke.  But then, come to find out, Will Smith’s son Jaden is the favored choice for the lead.  They’re both black guys, but Jaden is 9 years old.  Long story short, I would totally hit that.

This piece of casting has apparently come about because the film will be made under the banner of Will Smith’s Overbook Entertainment. Jerry Weintraub, producer of the 1984 movie, is apparently producing this too.

You know who’s going to be pissed about this? Every nerd who saw the original and ended up getting his ass kicked when he got in a bar fight and started doing "kata".  What’s next, Zac Efron in a remake of Ferris Bueller?  Dear God, I shouldn’t even ponder that aloud.  Pat Morita will be spinning in his grave.

Which brings me to my next item, Pat Morita is dead.  In 2005.  Sorry I missed that.