Remember that warmed-over ripoff of an 80s action movie?  It’s getting a sequel!  Which one?  ALL OF THEM!  Today in the Derp Report…

Kung Fu Panda writers hired for Karate Kid sequel. Dreamworks has hired Cyrus Voris and Ethan Reiff (Kung Fu Panda) to write a sequel to the reboot of the franchise that already had four sequels. Karate Kid Version 2.02, I guess you’d call it. I sat here for 20 minutes trying to think of something to say about this, but I honestly couldn’t come up with a better punchline than the actual headline.  |HollywoodReporter|

Sly Stallone wants Bruce Willis for Expendables 2, Tweets about it. In the worst thing to happen to the Internet since your parents joined Facebook, Sly Stallone has joined Twitter.  After punching through his first three keyboards in an HGH accident, he Tweefed:

“Had dinner with Bruce Willis last night. I want him in Expendables II as a super villain. What do you think?

“I am thinking what would be the most dangerous places in the world to set the sequel?”

Dude.  The Expendables was kind of fun, but you barely had enough material for one movie.  That movie could’ve been 46 minutes long. And if you wanted to make a throwback to 80s action movies, why all the quick cuts and shaky cam and CGI blood?  Please, quit while you’re ahead.

“The hardest part of making action films is attempting to inject heart and soul.. bullets are easy, emotions are hard. LIKE LIFE ITSELF.”

THE EXISTENTIAL BUFFOON STRIKES AGAIN!  “And it was at that point that I realized, I was actually superman punching my own fear of commitment.”

For the love of God, put down the keyboard.

So it looks like the Chinese remake of Karate Kid, which everyone pointed out should probably be called Kung Fu Kid, since Karate is Japanese and Kung Fu is Chinese, but was still called Karate Kid for a long time, will be called Kung Fu Kid again after all.  God I hate this story.

The co-production between the state-run China Film Group and Columbia Pictures started shooting Saturday in Beijing, Weng said.  “Kung Fu Kid” is being directed by Harald Zwart, who also directed “One Night at McCool’s” and “The Pink Panther 2.”

Will Smith — one of the film’s producers — Chan, Zwart and others symbolically removed a piece of red cloth covering a movie camera, after which Smith gave Chan a hug, according to video posted on Sina.com. His hair done in a huge Afro and wearing a bright red track jacket and blue pants, Jaden Smith stood and waved when he was introduced. His father ruffled his hair when he sat down. [AP]

OMG, did they also breathe oxygen while their hearts continued beating?? This just in: WILL SMITH IS SO GD BORING THAT HE’S CONTAGIOUS!  HE CAN EVEN INFECT PEOPLE WRITING ABOUT HIM THROUGH THE COMPUTER!  (*throws laptop in river, cuts off hands*)

In a turn of events that can only be described as “buttcheek vibrating”, the Jaden Smith Karate Kid project has picked up a new writer.  It’s strange, you’d think a movie starring Jackie Chan and Will Smith’s kid, partially financed by the Chinese government, set in China, and called Karate Kid even though the Chinese martial art is Kung Fu would practically write itself. (after you beat with a truncheon and lock it in a sweat shop).

Columbia has brought on Steven Conrad, who penned 2006’s “The Pursuit of Happyness,” to work on the studio’s reboot of the 1980s film [replacing Chris Murphy]. The screenwriter also penned the Nicolas Cage family tale “The Weather Man” and is attached to write the Scott Rudin-produced drama “Aloft” and the celebrity look-alike dramedy “Chad Schmidt.”

Production will begin next month on the new “Karate,” which [Agent Cody Banks and Pink Panther 2 director] Harald Zwart is directing. Jaden Smith occupies the role played by Ralph Macchio in the 1984 film, while Jackie Chan takes on the Pat Morita part. [THR/RiskyBiz]

Meanwhile, I will continue playing the part of dog-covering-his-eyes-with-his-paws.  Ruh-roh!