So the headline here pretty much says it all: Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead (also my nickname in high school) has a new poster. I just thought you guys would want to know. I’d like to think the poop-faced toilet man at the bottom left corner was a deliberate visual reference to Nic Cage in Wicker Man.

AAAAUGHHH, NOT THE PEE! IT’S IN MY EYES AUUUUUUGH NOT THE PEE!

[Thanks to Austin, our FilmDrunkard in Japan, for the picture]

Yes, this has a trailer, and you can watch it below. You’ll probably never believe this about a Japanese movie, but it involves schoolgirls.

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Lost in all the hubbub and butt plug of movie news is a real-life story with all the drama and intrigue of Hollywood blockbuster.  It’s the capital murder trial of one Leonard Gonzalez Jr. and seven of his compatriots, who, in a story as old as time, planned a ninja attack on a special needs family in order to save his struggling karate school.  Yes, it’s like The Foot Fist Way meets In Cold Blood meets meth.  And this part may come as a shock, but it happened in Florida.

On July 9, 2009, dressed as ninjas and wearing black masks, Gonzalez and seven others crept into the Billings’ home.  Once inside, prosecutors allege it was Gonzalez Jr. who shot and killed the couple while one of their special needs children looked on.  According to witness statements, it’s alleged the gang of “ninjas” entered the home with hopes of stealing the family’s home safe which they believed contained upwards of 13 million dollars.

The defendant’s wife, Tabitha Gonzalez, testified that the family’s business, a karate school, had gone under. Prosecutors argue this indicates that financial gain was Leonard Gonzalez’s overriding motive.

“He was so broke … that his mother had to buy him a car, which turned out to be a big red van that was used in the murders,” prosecutor Bill Eddins said in his opening statements of Gonzalez.

A van full of murdering ninjas?  Yes, a van full of murdering ninjas.

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Today, I bring you “Michael Jai White is a Badass, Volume 73.”  In today’s installment, we catch up with Black Dynamite on the set of Blood and Bone (Michal Jai White is… ISAIAH BONE).  Here, White, who holds black belts in seven different forms of karate and has two bullet wounds, teaches Kimbo Slice an “unblockable punch.”  (He would’ve been better off teaching him an unkickable leg, but I digress).  Keep in mind, Michael Jai White is an actor and Kimbo Slice is a professional fighter (not necessarily a particularly good one, but still).  And Kimbo seems genuinely interested in hearing the advice (“but will Kimbo Slice ever truly be at ress?”).  This could only happen with badass of Michael Jai White’s caliber. Imagine any other actor trying that.  Cam Gigandet has been in a few martial arts movies too, I guarantee he couldn’t teach anyone to punch.  Hell, he gets punched himself, just for having a face that looks like that.

It was back in September that I first reported that 49-year-old Jean Claude Van Damme was planning to take on Thailand’s 1996 Olympic gold medalist boxer, Somluck Kamsing, in a no-elbows Muay Thai kickboxing match.  Hardly anyone picked up the story, which I thought was strange — maybe they thought it sounded too unbelievable.  Now we have video of JCVD at a press conference confirming the plans with his own waffle-eating mouth.

“I want to do three reality show: One casting one, one behind the scene of a movie called The Tower, and another TV show where I sign to fight with a big champion named Somluck.  He’s a Thai fighter that’s got about 300 fight in English boxing and 250 fight in Muay Thai.
“And once we have all da TV show, we are gonna fight in Macau, in three weeks after the TV show, and the movie come out.  So between September and October, we have a movie come out, the end of three TV seasons, and a fight.  It will be the first time in history and also the first time a guy at 50-years-old  will go for a fight in Macau. [Ed. note: if he hadn't added 'in Macau', I'd point out that Ron van Clief was 51 when he got choked out by Royce Gracie at UFC 4] Which is kind of dangerous, but life is short, and I want to do this for two reasons:  to prove to young people, and to mature people, dat a man can go thought training and also be a movie star, like Hollywood gets reality.”

Considering Van Damme hasn’t competed in martial arts since 1980 (when he was fighting in European karate tournaments), and his opponent is a gold effing medal winner from Thailand, this would seem to be serious case of putting his balls where his brain should be.  I hope he’s actually training and not thinking he’s going to rely on his 80s karate skillz like he’s Lyoto Machida.  Either way, I hope he paid this dude off.  Because if getting your ass kicked is a valid method of promoting a movie, I’ve got a few projects I’d like to pitch Danny Masterson.

[hat tip: Fightlinker]

If Black Dynamite star Michael Jai White doesn’t become the next big action hero, the terrorists have won.  This is the trailer for the direct-to-DVD fight flick, Blood and Bone.  Starring MICHAEL JAI WHITE, as… ISAIAH BONE.  You might also notice a couple cameos by professional giant black guys Kimbo Slice and Bob Sapp. But pay special attention to the 1:17 mark, where Michael Jai White KICKS FOUR GUYS IN THE FACE BEFORE HE HITS THE GROUND!  OOH WHA-AA AA-AA!

White stars as an ex-con drawn into LA’s underground fight rings to fulfill a promise to a dead friend and leaves a pretty hefty count of broken bones and bloody noses behind him.  [Twitch]

So basically, it’s like the black version of Never Back Down, which automatically makes it roughly 10 times cooler than Never Back Down.  Plus, no Cam Gigandet, which is worth another 15.  Oh, and Gina Carano guest stars, which means I get to post my favorite gif:

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