Retard Pig laugh when da pwetty people laugh!

When I clicked play on this trailer for Going the Distance*, the first thing I saw was real-life couple Justin Long and Drew Barrymore amusing the hell out of each other with hilarious jokes about tortellini and I thought I’d never stop vomiting.  I thought it was over, and that’s when the blood diarrhea started.  But as I looked up from my agony, I noticed my hirsute, lilliputian man-crush Charlie Day from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia was there too (playing… Justin Long’s dad**?  Huh?).  Then SNL’s most-underrated cast member Jason Sudeikis showed up.  Before I passed out, I think I saw Jim Gaffigan.  Was it real?  Are Jim Gaffigan and Charlie Day and Jason Sudeikis really in a Drew Barrymore rom-com?  Or was it all just a sh*tty-movie induced hallucination?  You be the judge.

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In her latest movie, Christina Ricci plays a sexy corpse, a role for which she’s been seemingly preparing her entire life.  It’s called After.Life (pronounced “After Dot Life”) and it co-stars Liam Neeson as the funeral director who communicates with the dead to help them transition to the afterlife.  If it seems that Liam Neeson is in everything lately, that’s because L Neezy ain’t allergic to cash money, y’all.   You may have also noticed that this borrows the premise of movies like the Sixth Sense and Ghost. Which only makes me imagine Liam Neeson ably straddling me as I work at the pottery wheel, his hands gently but firmly guiding mine as we form a giant penis made of clay.  I know what you’re thinking, and yes, Whoopi is there too.

(Aw, she’s about to cut him a slice of the pie she just made, that’s so sweet.  More girls should dress like this when they bake.)

Youth in Revolt isn’t a movie about which I can say, “Go see it!  You’ll love it!”  Because, based on word of mouth and a lot of other reviews I’ve read, there’s a good chance you won’t.  I don’t know why.  Maybe it’s because it’s a “small” movie.  It’s not hugely ambitious, but it seeks only to be charming and entertaining, and it succeeds.

What I can tell you is that I loved it.  I went in expecting a high-concept laffer (that’s Variety slanguage for a straightforward comedy with an easily-explained premise) about awkward Michael Cera using his vulgar alter ego, Francois Dillinger to get laid.  Game, set, snatch.  Instead I got this sort of extended, absurdist riff.  It was a pleasant surprise — quirky in the original sense of the word, when it still meant charming and strange, and not obnoxiously twee.  It manages to be offbeat in a way that’s intelligent without feeling smug, and honest without being cringe-inducingly earnest, like so many indie films and your fruity love letters.

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Here’s a new short clip from Youth in Revolt, the Michael Cera-alter-ego movie that I still think looks awesome.  It opens January 8th.  This clip has Zach Galifianakis, and I hope they use lots of him, because he was only in Up in the Air for a minute and then disappeared, and I totally got Zach Galifianakis blue balls.  He spends most of this clip slurping his beer and eating like a pig.  It’s so over the top gross that it’s an accurate parody of Bizarre Foods‘ Andrew Zimmern.  I don’t know why I keep trying to watch that show.  Seeing that disgusting f*ck eat is like watching two drunk cows French kiss.

This is the second trailer for Youth in Revolt, the red-band version that doesn’t cut out the swears.  The plot of Youth in Revolt is pretty simple: Michael Cera is a sensitive puss who can’t get laid, so he grows a Tyler Durden-like split personality who’s awesome because he cusses and acts a total dick to everyone. Have we seen this before? Of course — at least twice in Jim Carrey movies alone.  But who cares?  This has some of the best one-liners since Kenny Powers.

“You get aroused easily?  Don’t stop, Frank.  For all we know, my vagina could be moist with desire as we speak.”

“I’ve created a supplemental persona named Francois Dillinger.”

“So what is your plan, sh-thead?  I’m gonna help you stick your filthy d-ck in this tomato.”

“I’m gonna wrap your legs around my head and wear you like the crown that you are.”

What a coincidence, my Tyler Durden-style alter ego also stuck his d-ck in a tomato. When my mom asked what I was doing I just screamed “PROJECT MAYHEM!” and dove out the window.

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