I guess once you’ve already let the Charlie’s Angels guy kill the Terminator franchise, the next obvious step is to wrap the coffin in an Ed Hardy shirt and dump a Monster energy drink on it.  That’s what we did for my grandma.  That bitch was XXXtreme.

I DISMISS THIS NEWS A QUARTER WANK AT A TIME:

Shortly after Arnold Schwarzenegger left the Governor’s Mansion and Tweeted his desire to  resume his acting career, there seems to finally be some action on his signature franchise, The Terminator. I’m told that interest is kicking back up. One interested party: Universal, which is looking for a directing vehicle for Justin Lin [the guy who did the last three Fast/Furious movies].

Right around the time the bankruptcy was settled, Deadline also reported that William Wisher–James Cameron’s collaborator on Terminator 2 and an uncredited  co-writer on the original, wrote a 24-page treatment for the next film and a four-page concept outline for a sixth Terminator film. His version continued the post-apocalyptic battleground scenario from Terminator Salvation, but added in the element of time travel. [Deadline]

Let’s see… Arnold Schwarzenegger, the Fast and Furious guy, time travel… I’ve got i!  The Terminator from the second movie goes back in time, and it turns out it’s actually him who taught Michelle Rodriguez to be so hardcore and Latin!

MICHELLE ROD: “Hasta la vista… baby.”

SCHWARZENEGGER/TERMINATOR: “Perfect.”

THERE CAN BE ONLY THREE!

Back in 2008, Summit Entertainment picked up the rights to The Highlander with Iron Man writers Art Marcum and Matt Holloway on board to reboot the franchise. They later dropped out and Summit announced last year that the original film’s producer, Neal Moritz, signed on with director Justin Lin, who is best known for directing three of the Fast and Furious films, but he gets a pass because he directed the “Modern Warfare” episode of Community, too.

Now Summit is moving forward with the new version, with longtime Highlander producer Peter Davis also jumping in. And the team has its collective eyes set on a writer now, too – Melissa Rosenberg, who wrote all five Twilight films. Nerd boner now flaccid.

So what about this project is going to sparkle, Variety?

Summit plans to expand on the original “Highlander” premise of immortals hunting each other through the ages. The new pic will center on the immortal Scottish swordsman Connor MacLeod, who must confront a murderous barbarian — the last of his kind — who lusts for a fabled prize.

Of course Twilight author Stephanie Meyer is responsible for most of the Twilight aspects that we poke fun of, like sparkling vampires and middle-aged women lusting over teenage boys. But I’m curious to see if Rosenberg can capture the true evil and maliciousness of a character like the Kurgan, having written lines like these for a movie about vampires:

“I hate you for making me want you so much.”
“I can’t ever lose control with you.”
“You’re like my own personal brand of heroin.”

I can see it now…

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Merry Ludacristmas, motherf*ckers, 5 Fast 5 Furious has a trailer.  Walker, Diesel, and Tyrese are back, teaming up with Dwayne The Rock Johnson, Ludacris, and probably a couple random sluts for the disappointingly-named 5i5th installment of the series, Fast Five.  Hijacking moving trucks?  Nah, son. This time we TOWIN’ HUGE BANK SAFES WITH OUR CARS!  HIT THE N0S! PUT ON THE GROUND EFFECTS!  IT’S TIME FOR CAR PORN AND PARKOUR!  OOH WHA AH AH-AH, CARKOUR!!!!

SPOILER ALERT!!!  (SERIOUSLY, SPOILERS EVERYWHERE UP IN THIS BITCH, MOSTLY ATTACHED TO THE BACKS OF CARS TO MAKE THEM GO FASTER)

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Summit Entertainment, the studio behind Twilight, has announced that they’ll be rebooting 1986′s Highlander, with 4 Fast 4 Furious director Justin Lin at the helm.  Art Marcum and Matt Holloway (who worked with Fergby on Iron Man and also wrote Punisher: War Zone) will write the script.

Summit’s film will expand on the original HIGHLANDER’s core mythology of immortals battling amongst us, hunting each other through the ages by tapping its newly minted creative team to take its re-imagination to new heights. Plans call for the re-imagination to spur a new franchise for the studio. [Summit Press Release via /Film]

Wait, wait, the original story was about immortals who hunted each other using newly minted creative teams?  DAMN YOUR LACK OF PUNCTUATION!  Anyway, this seemed like a way worse idea before I started listening to the Queen songs from the original.  I know this new one’s probably going to be Papa Roach singing about their parents’ divorce while Channing Tatum pours Highlander energy drink on his shirtless chest, but all I can think is I AM IMMORTAL / I HAVE INSIDE ME BLOOD OF KINGS…. (*10 minute mouth guitar solo*)

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_{Car wheelies are the money shots of car porn}

Grease up your gearshift, sailor, because I’ve got a brand new 4 Fast 4 Furious clip after the jump.  This one focuses mainly on… uh… the GPS system?  Seriously, this sh-t is weird.  I’d be all for a stupid movie about cars and car racing, but this isn’t even well made.  70% of this clip is made up of shots of Vin Diesel and Paul Walker looking constipated or closeups of their feet pressing the pedals or their hands shifting.  So exciting!  And the one crash they do show looks like it was filmed at about 10 miles per hour. Reached for comment, director Justin Lin said, “Don’t screech the tires! I have to take those back to Costco later!”
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