Most logical people would probably say to themselves, “a $65-million Broadway musical about Spider-man with songs by U2?  That’s a brilliant idea!”.  And yet, surprisingly, things haven’t been going so smoothly for Julie Taymor’s Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark.  The first of the preview shows, originally scheduled for January 2010, then pushed to February, finally happened last night, and just one weekend before December.  Thankfully, everything went off without a hitch.  Haha, just kidding.

- After a two-week delay in performances already this month, which sucked up about $4 million, the producers decided that on Sunday night the show would go on.

- After beginning at 6:54 p.m. — 24 minutes late, mostly because of 1,900 people taking their seats — the show unfolded for 30 minutes with few of the special effects that have been the talk of Broadway this fall.

- At 7:23 p.m., an aerial scene began in Peter Parker’s bedroom to the delight of some audience members — yet it was halted two minutes later with the first of four pauses in Act I, apparently to free the lead actor, Reeve Carney (who plays Peter Parker and is one of those playing Spider-Man), from an aerial harness.

- The fourth and final pause at the end of Act I was the worst glitch of the night by far. Spider-Man had just flown and landed onstage with the musical’s heroine, Mary Jane Watson (played by Jennifer Damiano), in his arms. He was then supposed to zoom off toward the balcony seating area, a few hundred feet away. Instead, a harness and cables lifted Spider-Man several yards up and over the audience, then stopped. A production stage manager, C. Randall White, called for a halt to the show over the sound system, apparently in hopes of fixing and re-doing the stunt.
Crew members, standing on the stage, spent 45 seconds trying to grab Spider-Man by the foot, as the audience laughed and oohed. When they finally caught him, Mr. White announced intermission, and the house lights came on.

$65 million and they can’t get someone to fly around the stage attached to a harness?  (The production budget for Kick-Ass, by comparison, was $30 million).  How much does the circus cost?  I bet it’s a lot less than $65 million, and that sh*t has live elephants.

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With all the time we spend talking about movies, we often forget about the cinema’s gay cousin, the theatah.  The opening of Julie Taymor’s $60 million, U2-scored Broadway version of Spider-Man (“Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark”), was reportedly delayed again recently. Behind schedule or not, it’s most definitely still happening, and as proof, Vogue recently did a spread on it with photographs by Annie Leibovitz, the famous Jew photographer.  The pictures are either really cool or really ridiculously stupid looking, depending on your perspective.  They’re definitely very Cabinet of Dr. Caligari-esque. Personally, I prefer to focus on how this is a hilarious self-parody on the level of Waiting for Guffman meets Spinal Tap.  Some excerpts from the article:

“In another, the choreographer Daniel Ezralow, a Momix founder and frequent Taymor collaborator, is working with a group of arachno–chorus girls, who, requiring eight stiletto heels each, could be described as unusually leggy.”

“Taymor and her cowriter, Glen Berger, have taken the basic contours of the familiar story and added elements of their own, including a geek chorus that comments on the action and a new supervillain drawn from Greek mythology.”

Carney, whose stunts are performed by a team of Spideys, says he strongly identifies with the role: “I’m a gentle, thoughtful person offstage—at least I try to be. But onstage, I turn into a bit of an animal. I guess that’s the Spider-Man in me.”

Anyone else imagine him singing that last part?  “I gueeeesss that’s just, the spiiiiider-man…. iiiiinn mmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…”   I also like to imagine Anna Wintour storming through the Vogue offices demanding that the Spider-Man spread be more fabulous.  “This is Spider-Man on Broadway, not Margaret Cho headlining some Chuck E. Cheese.  Now fetch me a sugar-free vanilla latte, you fat cow! And change into something a hobo didn’t give birth in!”

[bigger pictures available at Vogue]

Relax, relax, Scarfield is fine. The actor in question was working on Julie Taymor’s $65 million Spider-Man play.  A 65-million-dollar play, mother of God.  It’s like a steam engine made of unobtainium.

The latest and most painful disaster involves actor Kevin Aubin, who broke both his wrists while demonstrating a botched flying stunt for a small audience last week. Aubin is okay, if in casts. He wrote on Facebook, “well i dont know what im allowed to say. but something went wrong and i fell on my hands from a high distance. It happens, no one to blame. I’m alive and ok.” On the brighter side, the show sounds pretty amazing: Aubin hurt himself while being catapulted, as if by a slingshot, across the stage. According to someone who has seen it, “They are not just flying people around — they’re catapulting them! It’s like they’re being shot out of rubber bands … There are going to be Spider-Men flying all over the theater — right over your head — during the show.” [Vulture]

He broke the wrists in “a fall?”  Uh-huh, riiight.  Sure, buddy, whatever you say.  Look, as soon as I heard U2 was writing songs for a musical about Spider-Man, I knew dismissive-wank-related accidents would be inevitable. Don’t piss on my shoes and tell me it’s flooding.

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Here’s the trailer for The Tempest, from director Julie Taymor (the U2 Spider-Man musical chick). It stars Helen Mirren, Russell Brand, and Djimon Hounsou.  The visuals look neat-ish, but I feel the same way about this as I do virtually all modern Shakespeare adaptations: Oh boy, I can’t wait to watch a bunch of half-bright actors show us how cultured they are by angrily spewing dialog they don’t understand.  I did enjoy the “SORCERY” title card though.  And hey, did it just turn into an episode of Renegade at the end there?

David O. Russell drops out of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. A scheduling conflict with Pride producer Natalie Portman meant Russell had to drop out and do Old St. Louis instead, a dramedy starring Vince Vaughn that Scarlett Johansson was supposed to be in at one point (not now).   And now, I find myself in the awkward position of being enough of a hipster to like David O. Russell, but not nearly twee enough to not hate Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.  So, uh, good news, as it turns out. (*tightens ascot, rides off on fixed gear*)|NYMag|

Screenwriter Tony Gilroy taking over directing duties on the fourth Bourne movie, the Bourne Legacy.  Matt Damon’s involvement is still up in the air.  BLUR! SMASH CUT! (*fart noise*) GAS PEDAL! ENGINE NOISE! TIRE SQUEAL! (*dismissive wank*) SMASH CUT! ZOOM! (*zzzzzzzz*) |Deadline|

Mark Millar says his ultra-violent, evil-batman comic book, Nemesis, has been greenlit with director Tony Scott and a $150 million budget.  In related news, Mark Millar is talking out his ass again. |io9|

Peter Jackson is “close to a deal” to direct The Hobbit movies, and Deadline and TheWrap are going all dueling ‘TOLJDAs’ about it. Of course, MGM is still $4 billion in debt and the film hasn’t been greenlit yet.  Expect at least three more rounds of denials and confirmations over the coming weeks.  You know what?  I don’t care anymore.

If you ever wondered what a U2 song about Spider-Man would sound like, wonder no longer, because Reeve Carney, star of the Spider-Man musical with music from U2 and the Edge (screw those other guys, they should be thankful they’re not homeless), went on Good Morning America this morning to sing “Boy Who Falls from the Sky.”  Oh, don’t worry, the lyrics are super deep, you guys.  This makes “Yellow” look like “Your Body is a Wonderland.”

You can change your mind
but you cannot change your heart.
It’s a compass and a map, and a key to the chart.
You can fly too high, and get too close to the sun
see how the boy falls from the sky

IN THE NAAAAAAAAAME OF WEBS!  FLYING HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH ON MY SPIDER WEBS……

At the very least, the drummer has a sweet combover.  Meanwhile, director Julie Taymor sat down for a chat and showed off the designs for some of the villains.  Here’s Green Goblin:

Looks a little light in the goblin shoes, amirite?  I mean, I think I know what he‘s gobblin, and it ain’t green, gnome sayin?  (*toilet flush*) (*slide whistle*) (*bike horn*) (*squirts German Shepard with seltzer*).   Anyway, I don’t really understand theater.  Is this good?  I know plays are like movies for poor people, and Broadway is for people who want to spend a lot of money to do something obsolete, so I guess this is… fitting?  I don’t know.  I’ve tried to weigh the merits of this, but it’s kind of like reviewing the steam engine.

[via ToplessRobot]