BOX OFFICE: PEOPLE SAW G.I. JOE ANYWAY

08.10.09 Written by Vince Mancini

Despite their epically sleazy the-soldiers-who-defend-your-freedom-want-you-to-see-it marketing campaign, Paramount made $56.2 million on their G.I. Joe movie.  The sad thing about even the most blatantly phony, transparent pandering is that it usually works.  Oh hey look, Toby Keith bought a new cowboy hat.  Anyway, it’s not Transformers money, but it’s enough for execs to say “well look how well G.I. Joe and Transformers did!” as they try to defend their decision to greenlight the next movie based on a board game or parlor trick.  Thing is, though G.I. Joe and Transformers are technically based on a toy, they also both had old cartoons and the accompanying nostalgia on which to draw.  If the View-Master movie does anywhere near this kind of business, I promise I’ll chug a pint of hobo piss.

Elsewhere, Julie and Julia was number two with $20.1 million.  Surprising that there were so many people that couldn’t just wait to see it on a plane.  Hard to tell if it will hold or drop immediately, but critics are already calling it the plane-yest movie of the summer.

Most everything else made a not-particularly-noteworthy $7 or $8 million (though Funny People declined a sharp 65%).  And pour a little beer out on a hooker for The Hangover, which dropped out of the top 10 for the first week since its release.  Though at -35%, it had the smallest decline for wide releases for the fifth weekend in a row, and still managed the number 11 spot.  It just goes to show, people really want to see Zach Galifianakis get blown by an old chick.

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WEEKEND PREVIEW: NO, JOE.

08.07.09 Written by Vince Mancini

New in theaters this week:

G.I. Joe
Paramount hired a director known for making crappy movies to make this crappy movie, then they made G.I. Joe an international police force so they could sell it to foreign markets, and then, to deflect criticism when they wouldn’t show their crappy movie to critics, they all put on flag pins and tried to perpetuate that whole red state/blue state bullsh-t again.  Class-y.  I will however give them credit for calling the movie “The Rise of Cobra” and then putting out a commercial in which the only line of dialog is “What did you say your unit was called?”   I call mine Sergeant Slaughter.

Julia & Julia
Nora Ephron’s film telling the parallel stories of Julia Child (Meryl Streep) working her way up the ranks of French cooking and Julie Somethingorother (Amy Adams) writing a blog about Julia Child.  Why do we need to see the second one again?

A Perfect Getaway
Steve Zahn and Milla Jovovich are on their Honeymoon in Hawaii.  But will their dream vacation (*RECORD SCRATCH*) become a waking nightmare?  (*mouthfart*)

I Sell the Dead (limited)
Dominic Monaghan sells corpses to Ron Perlman.  Doesn’t look like my cup o’ tea, probably because I only drink whiskey.  Whiskey and chainsaws.

Paper Heart (limited)
I keep calling this one “When Harry Meta Sally” because I came up with that a few months ago and someone told me it was clever (thanks, mom).  Anyway, Michael Cera and Charlyne Yi fall in love but it’s awkward, because they are awkward people.  I don’t know if I’ll end up seeing this this weekend but I kinda wanna go eat hot wings with the little black girl.  She seems like my type, and by that I mean I think I could overpower her.

Cold Souls (limited)
Paul Giamatti stars in the Charlie Kaufman-esque story of a guy who sells his soul, because he’s so drained from rehearsals for Chekhov’s Uncle Vanya.  A character obsessed with Chekhov earns a special, limited edition “dismissive slow wank” from me.

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MOVIE ABOUT A BLOG ABOUT JULIA CHILD

04.29.09 Written by Vince Mancini

Julie and Julia is director Nora Ephron’s (Sleepless in Seattle, You’ve Got Mail, Bewitched *shudder*) simultaneous adaptation of two books, Julia Child’s autobiography, My Life in France, and a memoir by Julie Powell called Julie and Julia, adapted from her blog about cooking each one of Julia Child’s 524 recipes in Mastering the Art of French Cooking. It will tell Powell’s (played by Amy Adams) story in parallel to Child’s, and it’s sure to be a crowd pleaser, what with Meryl Streep doing that annoying gd voice the entire movie.  Oh hey would you look at that, I’m spotting.

[via Cinematical]

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