Katherine Heigl and Josh Duhamel’s Life as We Know It has been in theaters a week now, and while it seems like the obvious choice to just compile all the meanest review quips (“a living hell of a movie” -Rolling Stone), that’s too easy.  Instead, we have this game we play where we try to recreate the plot of the movie using only expository quotes (no analysis!) from reviews.  Exposition can be hard to find in reviews of a film that already provides every single dramatic beat in the trailer.  But you know what they say: that’s just life as we know it.

He’s a womanizing pig who works in the TV control booth for a professional Atlanta sports team. She’s a nurturing homebody who runs a gourmet store and bake shop like the one Meryl Streep had in “It’s Complicated.” Neither one knows the first thing about changing diapers. [WashingtonPost]

Holly Berenson (Heigl) and Eric Messer (Duhamel) — or “Mess,” as he is aptly known — get set up on a blind date by their friends, and it’s a disaster. He arrives scruffy. She’s ever so put together. He rides a battered motorcycle. She’s got a spiffy gas-sipper hardly bigger than his bike. [Washington Post/Denver Post]

Arriving an hour late with no dinner reservations and a post-date tryst already lined up, he takes a booty call from his late-night hookup. [New York Times]

But that’s set aside when their best friends are killed in a car crash. In their will, they named Holly and Messer as caretakers of their infant daughter — they’re little Sophie’s godparents. [Detroit News]]

Conveniently enough, there are no blood relatives who can take in the kid, other than one cousin who’s a stripper, another who already has nine children and a grandfather on an oxygen tank. [WashingtonPost]

Haha, a stripper with a kid, can you imagine!?!

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I know I already labeled Katherine Heigl’s other movie, Killers, “Win a Date with Tard Hamilton,” but I may have been a little premature (as is my wont).  It seems she’s doing this whole OTHER movie with the ACTUAL Tard Hamilton — you know, that one guy, Mr. Fergie.  It’s called Life as We Know It.

It starts out with Kegel Heigz and Tard Hamz gettin’ set up on a blind date. You’ll never believe this, but they don’t like each other right away.  In fact, they might even be complete opposites!  Like we’re talkin dueling, paper thin clichés like a positive and negative Rorschach blot that says “FART.”  She‘s a prim-and-proper career chick with a neat-ass apartment and a 5-year plan and sh*t.  He’s a lovable rogue, as evidenced by his hockey cap and novelty ring tone.  To add (*record scratch*) to (*bike horn*), he’s sitting in her SMART CAR wearing a MOTORCYCLE JACKET!  They’re the original odd couple!  But pretty soon, God has to kill their mutual friend so fate can bring them together.  Wouldn’t you know it?  Their dead friends had a baby, and they just up and willed that little f*cker to these two wacky opposites!  At the estate hearing, the judge took one look at these two unmarried, separately-dwelling Caucasians and shouted, “I SMELL HIJINKS! CASE CLOSED!” He banged his gavel, an old lady slipped on a banana peel, the sassy black baliff shouted “AW HELL NAW!” and a good laugh was had by all.  You see, sometimes you find love in the strangest of places, and all it takes is a little baby poop on your face.

From ComingSoon:

While it was expected, it was not confirmed yet whether Josh Duhamel would return as Major Lennox in Transformers 3.

Duhamel told us today at the Las Vegas ShoWest convention that he met with director Michael Bay yesterday, that the script is done and they’re preparing to start filming in the summer. So yes, he will indeed be back alongside Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox and Tyrese Gibson.

Climb down from that clock tower.  Stop filling your bomb shelter with canned food.  Our long national nightmare is over.  We have closure.  The Earth can continue turning.  The sun will rise tomorrow.  Birds will sing. Flowers will bloom.  Children will say their prayers and sleep safely in warm beds with full bellies and rosy cheeks.  It is spring time in America.

Josh Duhamel is in Transformers 3.

My Lord, if ever there was a trailer that could just not SHUT THE F–K UP, this is surely it. Excuse me *cough* what I meant to say is that after the jump, I’ve got the hilarious, new trailer for the romantic comedy When In Rome, starring Kristen Bell and Josh Duhamel. The film comes from director Mark Steven Johnson, who aside from having three first names like a serial killer, is the man responsible for such gems as Simon Birch, Elektra and Ghost Rider *flashes gang sign*. I would rather shoot myself in both feet with a speargun than write a synopsis for the film, but that just seems unfair to my soft, child-like hands, when IMDB‘s staff will do it anyway:

Beth Harper (Bell) is a young, successful real estate agent … but she’s completely unlucky in love. However, when the New Yorker travels to Rome to see her newlywed sister, she impulsively steals some coins from a reputed fountain of love, and is then aggressively pursued by a band of wannabe lovers.

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Sorry, folks, by now you’ve no doubt noticed and whined about my slow posting today.  I apologize.  This is what we in the business call a “slow news day”.  And on that note, here’s your first look at When in Rome, a romantic comedy from Ghost Rider/Daredevil director Mark Steven Johnson, starring Mr. Fergie Josh Duhamel and Norse elf Kristen Bell.  Hmm, do you think we could maybe squeeze Joe Lieberman in there somehow?  I don’t think it has enough of the most boring motherf-ckers on Earth involved yet.

The film tells the story of an ambitious young New Yorker (Kristen Bell), disillusioned with romance, who takes a whirlwind trip to Rome where she defiantly plucks magic coins from a “foolish” fountain of love, inexplicably igniting the passion of an odd group of suitors: a sausage magnate (Danny Devito), a street magician (Jon Heder), an adoring painter (Will Arnett) and a self-admiring model (Dax Shepard). But when a charming reporter (Josh Duhamel) pursues her with equal zest, how will she know if his love is the real thing? The film also stars Alexis Dziena, Kate Micucci, Bobby Moynihan (SNL) and Anjelica Huston. [/Film]

Dear Dax Shepard: I’ve said it before – fire your agent.  Oh, and as far as movie synopses go, my sense is that a key plot point probably shouldn’t have “inexplicably” attached to it.  That would more properly describe someone ever seeing this.