Ron Howard and the writer of The Motorcycle Diaries are teaming up to create a show for Showtime about the Aztec civilization, and I think it goes without saying that this is amazing news, because the only way you could make a blood, guts, and tit-filled period piece on premium cable better is by adding HUMAN SACRIFICE! (*cranks up Slayer, harmonic guitar squeal, kicks cat out window*)

Showtime has put in development Conquest, a sweeping period drama that has been a passion project of Imagine principal Ron Howard. Oscar-winner Howard is attached to direct Conquest, which will be written by Oscar-nominated scribe Jose Rivera (The Motorcycle Diaries). Conquest, from Imagine TV and 20th Century Fox TV’s cable division Fox21, tells the story of famed Spanish Conquistador Hernán Cortes, who led the Spanish conquest in Mexico, and his clash with Moctezuma II, the last ruler of the Aztec Empire, which fell at the hands of Cortes and his men.

Filled with blood, lust, gold, magic and mythology, Conquest is described as “a classic war story about two powerful men and their people ultimately leading to the destruction of the Aztec culture and the men themselves.” [Deadline]

OH HELL YES. This sound aweso– wait, did you say “magic?” Why did you say magic? God dammit. Someone needs to put their foot down and tell these Hollywood producers NO MAGIC. Can’t we just enjoy a little historical drama anymore? I already had Jerry Bruckheimer turn cannon-fighting pirates into a story about dancing skeletons and a talking monkey, the last thing we need is Ron Howard turning Aztecs into a story about buried treasure and the fountain of youth. If I wanted magical thinking, I’d watch the History channel in the hours between the ten shows about people buying junk for a living.

Academy Award-nominated producer Mike Medavoy and Academy Award-nominated writer Jose Rivera are teaming up to create what they expect to be an Academy Award-nominated film about the 33 Chilean miners who were trapped in the San Jose mine last year for 69 days. Stop laughing, children.

Medavoy was joined by some of the miners, all represented by WME if you were wondering, and their families to make the announcement.

“Like millions of people around the world, I was completely engrossed watching the rescue at Copiapó. At its heart, this is a story about the triumph of the human spirit and a testament to the courage and perseverance of the Chilean people. I can’t think of a better story than this one to bring to the screen,” said Medavoy. (Via Coming Soon)

Added Medavoy with a fist pump, “CHA-CHING!”

“One year after the collapse of the mine, we consider this to be a great step towards the realization of a film based on our experience in the mine. This is the only official and authorized film about what we lived in the San José mine. Much of our story has never been told,” said miner Juan Andrés Illanes.

Of course Illanes is referring to the unofficial version, This Ain’t The Chilean Miners: A XXX Parody.

In case you forgot, the 33 miners were a half mile underground in a dangerous copper mine when they experienced a cave in and were trapped. For nearly 10 weeks, the family members of the miners feared that they lost their loved ones. Of course they didn’t, because everyone survived. Hell, one guy ran a marathon after. I guess the major suspense will be based around which miner took the first dump. Because you know it was all downhill from there.