_{Haha, hi, kids!  Let’s pretend this isn’t super weird!}

Nickelodeon’s annual festival of good-clean-fun porno and pretending kids have a say in what entertainment gets fed to them happened last night.  As you can imagine, it was the usual mix of who’s that?, I hate them!, and why is Will Ferrell embarrassing himself like this?  Anyway, this creepy ode to pandering and borderline child porn seriously skeeves me out, so I’m just gonna post the winners, a few pics, and a video for your perusal while I go take a shower.  (Think I’m overreacting? I dare you to watch until the 2:27 mark of the video after the jump where Marlon Wayans asks Miley Cyrus if she’s wearing a thong and not be weirded out).

Favorite Movie
High School Musical 3: Senior Year

Favorite Male Movie Star
Will Smith, Hancock

Favorite Female Movie Star
Vanessa Hudgens, High School Musical 3: Senior Year

Favorite Animated Movie
Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa

Favorite Voice from an Animated Movie
Jack Black, as Po, Kung Fu Panda

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_{Schadenfreude Sloth is a big fan of the Street Fighter movie}

The big surprise of the weekend was that The Jonas Brothers concert movie failed to take number one, landing in number two behind Madea Goes to Jail, which took number one for the second week.  Elsewhere, Fox’s Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li, opened all the way down at number eight, with just $4.65 million.  At this rate, it may have trouble earning back its $60 million budget (how did cost this much? it looks like a student film).  Luckily, its 0% rating on RottenTomatoes is still safe.

The question remains: who the hell actually wanted a Street Fighter movie?  Even the people getting paid to be in it must’ve been thinking, “well, if you say so, I guess…”  The only thing good to come out of this is that Chris Klein’s performance is one for the time crapsule.  Check out the clips after the jump – he’s Nic Cage in Wicker Man bad.  In fact, this may just be worth seeing.
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^{Sad Shark just remembered Kingpin.  *sniff*}

Hey, remember when the Farrelly Brothers made There’s Something About Mary, grossed $370 million on a $23 million budget and were the hottest filmmakers in town?  Yeah, well now they’re directing, I shit you not, Walter the Farting Dog starring the Jonas Brothers [emphasis added to indicate level of incredulity -Ed.].

The title character in the “Walter” books is a fat dog with severe flatulence. The brothers play musicians [i.e., themselves] whose parents are asked to care for the dog by an aunt just before she passes away.

“By the time they’ve driven the dog home, everybody’s head is out the window of the family station wagon but Frankie [aka "the Bonus Jonas".  Oh god kill me now], and only because he has a serious sinus problem and doesn’t notice the stench coming from Walter,” said Peter Farrelly.

While his brothers play music, Frankie and the gaseous hound get involved in a plot that involves liberating a koi fish and thwarting jewel thieves.

F-ck me.  This sounds like something Eddie Murphy Martin Lawrence turned down.  Is it because the Farrellys had kids?  What is it about having kids that makes people stop being funny?  Does your brain shoot out your dick when you impregnate someone?  Because you could come up with any combination of kid celebrity and animal with a health condition and it still wouldn’t be as bad as The Jonas Brothers and a farting dog.  Bongo the AIDS Bear, starring Miley Cyrus. Jamal the Leprous Manatee, starring Zac Efron.  Milton the Ejaculating Dolphin, starring Ashley Tisdale.  See?  The Jonas Bros one is still worse.

The Teen Choice Awards were taped last night featuring performances by (who else?) Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers, as well as Mariah Carey.  The show will air tonight.

And remember, Mariah Carey will perform her latest single "I’ll Be Lovin’ You Long Time (Me So Horny, Baby, Me Sucky Sucky)".  [Okay, I added the part in parentheses, but come on, it was begging for it.] -teenchoiceawards.com

I only mention the Teen Choice Awards because they claim the winner is chosen based on votes from actual teenagers (and they say 31 million votes were cast this year), but take a look at the movie award winners: 

Choice Movie Action Adventure: "The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian."
Choice Movie Drama: "Step Up 2: The Streets."
Choice Movie Chick Flick: "27 Dresses."
Choice Movie Bromantic Comedy: "What Happens in Vegas."
Choice Movie Comedy: "Juno."
Choice Movie Horror/Thriller: "I Am Legend."
Choice Summer Movie Action Adventure: "Hancock." [I'm sure these two picks had nothing to do with Will Smith showing up to the ceremony with all his kids]
Choice Summer Movie Comedy: "Get Smart."
Choice Movie Actor Drama: Channing Tatum, "Stop-Loss." [total box office: $10.9 million - less than half the budget]
Choice Movie Actress Drama: Keira Knightley, "Atonement."
Choice Movie Actress Action Adventure: Rachel Bilson, "Jumper."
Choice Movie Actor Comedy: Ashton Kutcher, "What Happens in Vegas."
Choice Movie Actress Comedy: Ellen Page, "Juno."
Choice Movie Actor Horror/Thriller: Will Smith, "I Am Legend."
Choice Movie Actress Horror/Thriller: Jessica Alba, "The Eye."
Choice Movie Villain: Johnny Depp, "Sweeney Todd."
Choice Movie Breakout Female: Ellen Page, "Juno."
Choice Movie Breakout Male: Drake Bell, "Superhero Movie." [via the AP]

There’s lots to hate, obviously, but a couple stand out.  Keira Knightley in Atonement?  I know 3-hour period pieces about unrequited love are one of the most popular study-hall note subjects, but  I guarantee no one under 60 enjoyed that epic snooze fest (it was also Rated R).  Secondly, Drake Bell in Superhero Movie?  Superhero Movie made $25 million total at the box office.  The Jonas Brothers make more than that in one night on t-shirts.  There’s no way any of these kids even saw that movie.  The only legitimate award was Ryan Sheckler winning Best Myspacer.  It’s impossible to deny that that guy is fucking awesome at MySpace.  It gives me goosebumps.

_ Choice TV Show Drama: "Gossip Girl."

_ Choice TV Show Action Adventure: "Heroes."

_ Choice TV Show Comedy: "Hannah Montana."

_ Choice TV Reality Dance: "America’s Best Dance Crew."

_ Choice TV Reality Music Competition: "American Idol."

_ Choice TV Celebrity Reality: "The Hills."

_ Choice Summer TV Show: "The Secret Life of the American Teenager."

_ Choice TV Actor Drama: Chad Michael Murray, "One Tree Hill."

_ Choice TV Actress Drama: Blake Lively, "Gossip Girl."

_ Choice TV Actress Action Adventure: Hayden Panettiere, "Heroes."

_ Choice TV Actor Comedy: Steve Carrell, "The Office."

_ Choice TV Actress Comedy: Miley Cyrus, "Hannah Montana."

_ Choice TV Breakout Show: "Gossip Girl."

_ Choice TV Breakout Star Female: Blake Lively, "Gossip Girl."

_ Choice TV Breakout Star Male: Chace Crawford, "Gossip Girl."

_ Choice TV Male Reality/Variety Star: David Cook, "American Idol."

_ Choice TV Female Reality/Variety Star: Lauren Conrad, "The Hills."

_ Choice TV Villain: Ed Westwick, "Gossip Girl"

_ Choice Music Single: Jonas Brothers, "When You Look Me in the Eyes."

_ Choice Hook-Up: Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown, "No Air."

_ Choice Music Male Artist: Chris Brown.

_ Choice Music Female Artist: Miley Cyrus.

_ Choice Music R&B Artist: Chris Brown.

_ Choice Breakout Group: Jonas Brothers.

_ Choice Music Love Song: Jonas Brothers, "When You Look Me in the Eyes."

_ Choice Music R&B Track: Chris Brown, "Forever."

_ Choice Music Rap/Hip-Hop Track: Lil Mama featuring T-Pain and Chris Brown, "Shawty Get Loose."

_ Choice Summer Song: Jonas Brothers, "Burnin’ Up."

_ Choice Male Hottie: Jonas Brothers.

_ Choice Female Hottie: Vanessa Hudgens.

_ Choice Red Carpet Fashion Icon Female: Carrie Underwood.

_ Choice Red Carpet Fashion Icon Male: Jonas Brothers.

_ Choice Comedian: Adam Sandler.

_ Choice Male Athlete: David Beckham.

_ Choice Female Athlete: Shawn Johnson.

_ Choice Action Sports Male: Ryan Sheckler.

_ Do Something Award: Chad Bullock.

_ Choice Most Fanatic Fans: David Archuleta.

_ Choice MySpacer: Ryan Sheckler.

In case you’ve never heard of The Jonas Brothers, they’re a fake band some managers and stage parents put together and whored out to Disney.  They weren’t the ones responsible for that Banana Smoothie song, but as you can see from their picture, that doesn’t make them any less creepy and gay. 

Anyway, they’re currently in pre-production for a Hannah Montana-style concert documentary… Or at least, it would be a documentary if Disney hadn’t put out a casting call looking for actors to play their fans.

In the first listing they’re looking for actresses to play Two Teenage Girls who are "younger, cute and attractive… sitting front and center at the Jonas Brothers concert, screaming, going nuts, blowing kisses and crying." The second listing for a Super-Fan is also young, cute and attractive who, in her scene, is "giving a tour of her home, which is a shrine to the Jonas Brothers.”

Shocking isn’t it?  I can’t believe an enterprise whose entire reason for being is creating a parent and marketing-exec-approved version of reality for spoiled annoying kids would do something like hire actors for a documentary.  Next you’ll tell me they don’t write their own songs!