As of five minutes ago when I was writing my Weekend Preview post, Toy Story 3 had 134 positive reviews and no negative ones on RottenTomatoes.  But that was before Armond White of the NYPress came along.  I have to give Movieline some credit here, because it was just this morning that they were wondering, “Will Armond White write the first bad Toy Story review?”  Wonder no more.  He has.

Bored Game
Toy Story 3 suckers fans to think they can accept this drivel
Toy Story 3 is so besotted with brand names and product-placement that it stops being about the innocent pleasures of imagination—the usefulness of toys—and strictly celebrates consumerism.
None of these digital-cartoon characters reflect human experience; it’s essentially a bored game that only the brainwashed will buy into. Besides, Transformers 2 already explored the same plot to greater thrill and opulence.
While Toy Story 3’s various hazards and cliffhangers evidence more creativity than typical Pixar product (an inferno scene was promising, Lotsa Hugs’ cannily evokes mundane insensitivity), I admit to simply not digging the toys-come-to-life fantasy (I don’t babysit children, so I don’t have to) nor their inevitable repetition of narrative formula: the gang of animated, talking objects journey from one place to another and back—again and again.

Dissing Toy Story 3 while praising Transformers 2‘s “opulence”? Check. (Said Michael Bay: “F*CK YEAH! Wait, that’s good, right?”)  Doubling down on the Toy Story 3 diss by saying it still sucks less than most Pixar movies?  Double check.  Oh but wait, he’s not done.  He works even more Toy Story 3 hate into his Jonah Hex review (…which he liked).

Entrusted to direct the Jonah Hex screenplay by groundbreaking team Neveldine & Taylor, director Jimmy Hayward brings to it the visual craft and genre savvy he learned as an animator on Toy Story and Toy Story 2 and as a writer and sequence-director on the animated feature Robots. So, although Jonah Hex doesn’t effervesce like Neveldine & Taylor’s own avant-garde innovations, Crank and Crank: High Voltage, Hayward yet makes it pell-mell; it’s still got N&T’s anarchic spirit. That alone makes Jonah Hex the best movie to open this week—easily overshadowing Toy Story 3.

Wow, dude.  That is some epic trolling.  Five stars.  “Apocalypse Now?  Drivel.  It just didn’t effervesce like Pluto Nash.  For me it’s all about the effervescingness. You probably wouldn’t understand.”

The other day I gave you all the opportunity to vote on what movie we should see for next week’s frotcast: Toy Story 3, currently tracking 100% on RottenTomatoes, the intriguing Cyrus, or Jonah Hex, of which one reviewer wrote, “The only people who deserve to see Jonah Hex are Hitler and the CEO of BP,” — which is currently tracking worse than Killers.

Since you guys are jerks, you picked Jonah Hex, which you know turned out great because it’s only 72 minutes long. In the hopes that something good can come out of this, I thought we’d use to play the old recreate-the-plot-using-quotes-from-scathing-reviews game (expository only, no analysis!).  Here we go!

“Jonah Hex” is a Western set around the town of Stunk Crick. -Ebert

It’s about the lighthearted adventures of a gruff, wisecracking, badly scarred bounty hunter who has all sorts of cool gadgets, like a horse outfitted with Gatling guns -Onion AV Club

Stunk Crick is your standard frontier town with a wide Main Street, a saloon, and a room over the saloon occupied by Lilah, a sexy hooker. Lilah and Jonah are in love, for reasons unexplained. -Ebert

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(Not pictured: Pigtails, a lollipop)

Jonah Hex opens in three weeks and WB just released this new trailer.  It’s chock fulla crossbows and gatling guns and explosions and rock music, and CGI crows climbin outta people’s mouths.  CAW! CAW! BANG! F*CK! I’M DEAD!  …TICK TICK TICK…. SLUTS!  Looks like Megan Fox brought out her little girl voice for this one.  I mean, I know she’s playing a whore and all, but I think she’d be sexier if she didn’t play it, you know, so whore-y.  It’s like I tell my girlfriend, you don’t have to be someone else, just cover your c-section scar, it makes it easier to pretend. I also would’ve enjoyed it if before Josh Brolin blew the f*ck outta something, he yelled to John Malkovich’s bad guy, “Hey Malkovich, think fast!”

That’s really all this one needs. (*chucks beer can at pigeon*)

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WB and Legendary Pictures’ Jonah Hex has been plagued by bad buzz — rumors of another director being brought in to do reshoots (Horton Hears a Who‘s Jimmy Hayward had never done live action before), plus the general concern that, even though the movie opens in June, we hadn’t seen a trailer before today.  But now that it’s here, it looks basically like the graphic-novel western that was promised.  GRRR, RAP-ROCK AND GATLING GUNS AND AND ONE LINERS AND EXPLOSIONS!!!  Tick. Tick. Tick… SLUTS!

And what else would you expect from the screenwriters who did Crank? It’s got a pretty good cast: Josh Brolin, Will Arnett, Michael Fassbender, John Malkovich, and Megan Fox’s ridiculous accent, so who knows.  It’ll probably be really stupid, but I’m holding out hope for awesome-stupid, like a retarded kid jumping through a flaming hoop. You’d be amazed at what you can get them to do with a bullwhip and upside-down chair.

(Een Soviet Russia, Megan Fox head cock YOU.)

This rumor sounds rather specious, but since reporting it gives me license to pepper my post with “MEGAN FOX NUDE” and MEGAN FOX NAKED,”  as Judge Judy might say, “I’ll allow it.”  From WeAreMovieGeeks:

This morning we posted the ‘Jennifer’s Body’ review sent in to us from a reader so we now know that there is NO NUDE scene in the film. Well I jumped back into my inbox and I received an email from an “insider” stating this:
“If they want to see Megan Fox naked, just wait til Jonah Hex.”
Although I can not reveal the identity of this “insider” I can tell you that this person has been right about everything they have sent me in the past.

Megan Fox plays “Leila the gun-wielding prostitute” in Jonah Hex, and if I know a thing about gun-wielding prostitutes and I think I do, they’re rarely bashful.  As for whether it’d be a good career move, hard to say.  On one hand, there’s nothing worse than the trend in Hollywood where the hot actresses refuse to do nude scenes until they’re 40 and desperately clinging to their sex appeal.  Trust me, do it when you’re 25 and smoking hot, that way you can be remembered for when you were at your best, not as the desperate divorced cougar with the dangly labes.  No one wants that on their epitaph, just ask your mom.  On the other hand, no one’s more at risk of media oversaturation than Megan Fox, and I gotta think one of the few things keeping people from getting tired of her is the mystery of whether we’ll ever get to see her naked.  Er, I mean, whether we’ll ever get to see MEGAN FOX NAKED or PICTURES OF MEGAN FOX NUDE.  But hey, what do I know, I’m just a guy who likes to choke himself while he masturbates.