I like Jerry Bruckheimer movies, because they’re always exactly like some other movie that came out a few years before, but with more special effects and a protagonist who refuses to believe the premise. “Whoa!  What’s going on?! Why are all these special effects going on around me?!  I’m just a physics nerd/chemical superfreak/mild-mannered treasure hunter!”

The Sorcerer’s Apprentice is Wanted meets Harry Potter (like, exactly) and it stars Nic Cage as the mentor, in a role he was born to play.  Meanwhile, Jay Baruchel is the protagonist, but instead of gradually learning to do magic the Harry Potter way, he hides under the table a lot and makes nasally glib comments like, “Well I guess that was a pretty big explosion.”

And, just to make my hatred complete, that useless c*ck bubble had to cast Alfred Molina as the bad guy.  Sick bastard.  That’s like buying a big, tasty California burrito and hiding it in a bucket of sh*t.

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Hollywood is making a movie about the origins of the environmental activist group Greenpeace, so naturally they hired Jon Turtletaub, the guy who directed 3 Ninjas.

Set primarily in the late 1970s and early 1980s, story will be told through the eyes of the controversial organization’s charismatic founding members, Bob Hunter and Rex Weyler. The duo led an eccentric group of pacifists, ecologists, musicians, teachers, sailors, and scientists as they attempted — often successfully — to disrupt American and French nuclear bomb tests, Japanese and Russian whaling ships and Norwegian infant harp seal hunters.

Holy sh-t, Norway lets their infants hunt harp seals?  Scandinavia is so metal.

Two books will shape the narrative: Weyler’s “Greenpeace: How a Group of Ecologists, Journalists, and Visionaries Changed the World” and Hunter’s “Warriors of the Rainbow: A Chronicle of the Greenpeace Movement.” [Editor's Note: Gayest. Title. Ever. Might as well call yourselves "Sparkleponies of Justice."] The producers are looking to hire a writer for the project and have had early discussions with Aaron Sorkin. [Variety]

It’s easy to make fun of them for hiring the director of 3 Ninjas to shoot a film about complex issues of environmental activism, but I realize it’s a little unfair.  After all, he also directed The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, National Treasure, The Kid, and Cool Runnings.  “Hooray, we turned back a whaling ship!”
(*Air guitar, record scratch, bike horn, bass riff from Seinfeld*)
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