“Aight, so I’mma die now, son.”

The other day I was passing time between power squat sets by watching the last season of Workaholics, and I completely forgot that in the episode that Anders’ dad comes to visit, the lovable f*cked up trio has tickets to go see GI Joe: Retaliation. That didn’t make sense, of course, because Paramount pushed the film back from the summer to next year, because the film needed some re-shoots. Oh, and also because people were hella pissed that Channing Tatum dies in the beginning. Not cool, Paramount.

Now that the re-shoots are over – remember, we gave you the exclusive first storyboard – it’s safe to assume that Paramount and director Jon Chu did everything possible to make it look like C-Tates doesn’t actually die, because – and this is just pure speculation – they’ll probably pay him a metric ass ton of cash to star in GI Joe: Duke Sav3s Da Rec C3nta. And that prediction makes sense, because C-Tates has already proven that he’s an A-lister with three films earning north of $100 million each this year, so natural progression would suggest that he’s in line for a $20 million payday.

But I’m twerkin’ way ahead of myself this morning. The point is that GI Joe: Retaliation has a new international trailer, and Paramount absolutely made it look like C-Tates maybe possibly doesn’t die.

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Color me shocked and ashamed on this one, but I had no clue that there’s a new He-Man movie in development. Currently Masters of the Universe, the project began with a screenplay entitled Grayskull, and the guy who wrote The Mechanic and The Expendables 2 (I’d pay a million dollars to watch an Expendables film be written) is attached to write the story of one of the most baffling toy lines of my childhood.

Seriously, how did nobody know that Prince Adam was He-Man. THEY’RE IDENTICAL! Even Clark Kent gave people a little credit and wore glasses. I know it’s not a big deal but even as a child this made me so angry. But I digress. Dig me out of this nerd hole, Variety.

Sony Pictures and Escape Artists will continue tapping the hot hand of scribe Richard Wenk (“The Equalizer”), who will rewrite He-Man pic “Masters of the Universe.”

Jon M. Chu is set to direct the live-action film based on the popular Mattel toy line.

Story follows a young prince who becomes a warrior and sets out to defeat the evil Skeletor and fulfill his destiny as He-Man.

I’ve always been sort of surprised that a He-Man reboot never happened after the 1987 mess that shared the name of this new version (seriously, what was up with that hairy dwarf?), but then you should never try to recreate any Dolph Lundgren movie, because they’re all perfect. Still, I’m confused about a couple things.

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When GI Joe 2 got pushed back a whole year at the last minute after Paramount had already spent a fortune on Super Bowl ads, and they said the delay was so that they could convert it into 3D, we figured they were full of it. Well now Nikki Finke has gotten her own inside scoop over at Toldja.com, and according to her, the real reason they delayed it is more in line with what we’ve been saying all along: If you make a movie with C-Tates in it, you don’t kill him off in the first five minutes! That’s business suicide! The man is a human burlap sack with a dollar sign on it that C-walks!

“The 3D is an excuse as to not reveal the Tatum of it all,” one of my sources tells me.

AWWWWWW SKEET SKEET SKEET. I love that quote. I like to imagine a business exec writing his offer on a piece of paper, then slowly sliding across the conference table, where another exec opens it to REVEAL: A child-like drawing of C-Tates with hearts coming out of it.

Of course this June Tatum appears in Steven Soderbergh’s Magic Mike as a stripper (inspired by Tatum’s own experiences, pre-stardom). My sources insist Paramount didn’t want uniformed Channing to compete with stripping Channing on the same weekend. Not with those abs.

I love Hollywood.

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The only question is whether she plays a special forces soldier or a goverment scientist

GI Joe 2, aka GI Joe: Retaliation (sidenote: couldn’t every action movie be subtitled “retaliation?”) has a new director (Justin Bieber Never Say Never‘s Jon M. Chu stepping in for Stephen Sommers), new writers (Zombieland‘s Paul Wernick and Rhett Reese), and as this new trailer shows, basically a new cast. At least Channing Tatum actually gets to show up so he can die in the first five minutes, Marlon Wayans and Dennis Quaid must’ve been too busy (that’s why C-Tates is the Hardest Twerkin’ Man in Show Bizznasty). Anyway, after they kill off the cast of the first movie, The Rock shows up with Bruce Willis and he’s all, “I’m drivin’!” And Bruce Willis is like, “No way, kid, I’m drivin’!” and then The Rock is like, “No way, old man!” and Bruce Willis is like “I’m too old for this shit.” Then the Cobras attack and they’re all “PEW! PEW!” And then 22-year-old Government Scientist Hot Tits Houlihan (Adrianne Palicki) is all “Maybe we can reverse the polarity!”

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After the jump, I’ve got the trailer for GI Joe 2: Retaliation, starring The Rock and Channing Tatum, the hardest mumbling wigger in show business. If that weren’t enough, it also stars Bruce Willis and a chick who kind of looks like Michelle Rodriguez! The gang’s all here! Except for director Stephen Sommers! He was replaced on this installment by Jon M. Chu, director of Step Ups 2 Tha Streets and 3D, as well as Justin Bieber Never Say Never, which makes it likely this sequel will be even more danceable than the original! Let’s C-Walk to ground zero!

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