After a seven-year hiatus (not counting his Expendables cameo) that saw him govern a state, and fill all his maids full of jizz (ALL ZA TIME I AM CUMMING!), Arnold Schwarzenegger is back doing movies. This morning he tweeted this picture from the set of Kim Jee-Woon‘s The Last Stand. From left, that’s Luis Guzmán (one of my favorite character actors of all time), Johnny Knoxville, the Austrian Oak himself, and FilmDrunk Fan Club President Jaimie Alexander (lookin’ good, miss lady!). I like to imagine Luis Guzmán keeps pronouncing her name “High-may.”

Schwarzenegger stars as Sheriff Owens, a man who has resigned himself to a life of fighting what little crime takes place in sleepy border town Sommerton Junction after leaving his LAPD post following a bungled operation that left him wracked with failure and defeat after his partner was crippled. After a spectacular escape from an FBI prisoner convoy, the most notorious, wanted drug kingpin in the hemisphere is hurtling toward the border at 200 mph in a specially outfitted car with a hostage and a fierce army of gang members. He is headed, it turns out, straight for Summerton Junction, where the whole of the U.S. law enforcement will have their last opportunity to make a stand and intercept him before he slips across the border forever. At first reluctant to become involved, and then counted out because of the perceived ineptitude of his small town force, Owens ultimately accepts responsibility for one of the most daring face offs in cinema history. [ComingSoon]

Resigned former cop… escaped drug kingpin… Wait, is the hostage Arnold’s niece, daughter, or wife? I think the stakes would be higher if it was someone with whom he used to eat ice cream and feed deer in the forest. Communicated in flashback, of course. And also, if Jason Statham could be the drug kingpin, and the “specially outfitted car” a flash sazz wagon, this would combine literally everything that I like.

Patton Oswalt and Johnny Knoxville are set to play feuding brothers (“squabbling sibs”, as Deadline puts it) in an untitled comedy executive produced by David Gordon Green. It’s virtually guaranteed to be really funny because Johnny Knoxville is tall and skinny and Patton Oswalt is short and chubby — classic comedy recipe! I’m guessing Patton plays the rich, pompous womanizer and Knoxville the shy-but-goodhearted, D&D-loving shut-in, but I’ve been wrong before.

The untitled comedy will be directed by Todd Rohal and financed by Marc Turtletaub and Peter Saraf’s Big Beach Films. Knoxville and Oswalt will play battling brothers who attempt to honor their ailing father by taking a troop of boys on a camping trip. It all goes awry. Rob Riggle, Maura Tierney and Patrice O’Neal also star. Rohal, who originally wrote the script under the title Scout Master, most recently directed The Catechism Cataclysm. Production on the new comedy starts this week. [Deadline]

I’d rather watch a five-hour collection of Patton Oswalt’s Five-Second Films, but I suppose this’ll do. And I have faith that Johnny Knoxville can break the once-co-starred-opposite-Jessica-Simpson curse. Here’s a brief list of some of her other co-stars:

Read the rest of this entry »

Continuing Jimmy Kimmel’s tradition of getting famous women to star in mediocre sketches, here’s Britney Spears doing the poo cocktail. |via DailyWhat|

MORNING LINKS

Who’s the Dim Bulb In South Carolina? |Uproxx|

Megacon Megagallery of Cosplay Pictures (Part One). |GammaSquad|

Revamp & Release: 7 Potentially Great Black Keys Remixes. |TheSmokingSection|

Do Your Worst, Hollywood: 20 Terrible TV Shows That Have Yet to Be Made. |WarmingGlow|

Erection, Your Onion! A Guide to Grotesco’s Swedish Gibberish Parodies. |FilmDrunk|

The most terrifying sleepy dog face you will ever see. |TheDailyWhat|

Police cut hole in house to remove fat guy who’d been fused to a chair, which he hadn’t left in two years. Wow. |BostonBarstoolSports|

Pop Songs Made Creepy by the Movies. |Moviefone|

Drunk lady is good at alphabet. |GorillaMask|

PICTURED: via Butttown

Lindsay Lohan looks a Faces of Meth PSA. |WWTDD|

There’s just something about Brooklyn Decker that I like, you know? |TheSuperficial|

Eating sushi off naked chicks banned in China.  Commies. |Buzzfeed|

What your MMO says about you. |HolyTaco|

Shocker, Glee creator will not direct Willow Smith’s Annie movie. |ScreenJunkies|

Beer Wars Review: Why We Drink Piss. |Pajiba|

The Internet: Being Creepy Since 1992 |EgoTVOnline|

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The last we heard from Peter and Bobby Farrelly, they were very excited to begin production on their new version of The Three Stooges, as they were completing their recent “meh”-fort, Hall Pass. Bobby was raving to the Boston Herald that Sean Penn was still interested in playing Larry and Benicio Del Toro was still down to play the lead Stooge, Moe. And despite media reports of Jim Carrey’s involvement, Curly was still open.

Fast forward to today and things are looking a wee bit different. According to Variety, the Farrellys apparently plan to go younger with their Stooges and the role of Moe is now being linked to Jackass star Johnny Knoxville. So much for the desires of Hollywood’s A-list, eh fellas? Nyuck nyuck nyuck.

*slaps Starbucks barista across the face, pokes hipster on Mac Book in the eyes*

The Farrelly brothers have been looking to cast the part of Moe in order to zero in on Larry Fine and Curly Howard. While Fox had no comment, sources close to the project saythe Farrellys are waiting for Knoxville to officially accept, as negotiations have not formally begun.

The plan is to divide the PG-rated film into three, 27-minute segments driven by physical comedy, which Knoxville is known for.

I guess he is known for that, sure. But the Three Stooges weren’t really known for attaching lobsters to their genitalia or launching each other into the air in a Port-o-Potty slingshot. Then again, there might be 5 people in Hollywood who have actually watched an episode of the Three Stooges and they’re probably too old to even matter anymore. Their grandkids are calling the shots now, so look forward to Knoxville and his co-stars, Kenan Thompson and Dane Cook, in 2012.

Before eventually being made available on DVD and online as a full-length feature, Jackass 3.5, a compilation of all the poop, penises, and semen that didn’t make it into your mom Jackass 3, will be gradually released online in weekly installments.  Or as I like to call them, “Skeets.”  They don’t say where you’ll be able to watch it yet, but the release begins in March.

“For ‘Jackass 3D’ we shot enough footage for two movies so a lot of great stuff didn’t make it in the film. Luckily you will get to see those bits in 3.5. We also shot some additional footage in Europe specifically for 3.5. I have staples in my head right now to prove it. Woo hoo,” said Jackass co-founder and star Johnny Knoxville. [press release via ComingSoon]

I love Jackass, and while I try avoid referencing Hieronymus Bosch in order to intellectually justify it, I will say that there were a few bits in Jackass 3D that I wish they’d explored further.  At one point, for instance, there was a dildo-cum-projectile sublimely filmed flying through the air in super slow-motion 3D, like so much trebuchet fodder during Emperor Nikephoros II’s conquest of Cilicia.  But where does the dildo go?  Who fired it?  Did they act alone?  Are there other dildos? How might one make one’s own dildo gun, if one were so inclined?  These questions and more, I hope will soon be answered.