This Week in This Week in Posters: The Rum Diary, the most prolific of all poster clichés, and of course, some cannon-fighting pirate ships carried by zeppelins. Something for everyone, really. Click to enlarge, and enjoy!

The Rum Diary is one of my favorite books, so obviously I’m a little sensitive about the possibility of the movie not being good, because that would make me cry. That said, is it just me, or does the poster seem a tad… zany? There isn’t much going on and it just reads “JOHNNY DEPP ACTING WRY!” to me. Though to be fair, people do love Johnny Depp acting wry. Especially foreigners.

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From what we hear, the movie adaptation of Hunter S. Thompson’s The Rum Diary has been finished for more than a year, just sitting around waiting for a release. It’s finally set to open October 28th, and now it has a trailer. And not a moment too soon. Johnny Depp was dangerously close to becoming permanently known as “that guy from the Bruckheimer movies with all the accessories.” Anyway, it’s nice to see him back drifting towards anarchy, poverty, and craziness, trying to live a decent life without hiring himself out as a Judas goat and all that.

Directed by Bruce Robinson, the cast is pretty insane, starring Depp as the newbie ex-pat Puerto Rican journalist Kemp, Richard Jenkins as Lotterman, Aaron Eckhardt as Sanderson, Amber Heard as Sanderson’s fianceé, and Giovanni Ribisi as Moberg (a character who gets blackout drunk and the next morning locates his car by smell — a man after my own heart), who I hear steals the show. So, from what we know, a real movie with a real cast and a real story. It’s nice to see that someone finally got around to actually releasing it between movies about explosions, aliens, and the military. The book it’s based on is quite popular, and I’m told there’s even a climactic rape scene that they reenact every year at the Puerto Rican Day Parade. What? I kid, I kid.

BOOM. MOTHERF**KIN BEDAZZLED TORTOISE, SON!

I’m excited to report this story, because just the phrase “bloated tentpole” gets me all hot and bothered (mmm, yeah, baby, I want you in all four quadrants). So last we heard, Disney had cancelled Bruckheimer’s (bloated tentpole) The Lone Ranger, because it was going to cost $250 million. And it cost $250 million because, obviously, it had werewolves in it (or more specifically, according to ThePlaylist, “supernatural wolves” – “the 2009 draft we read by Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio features supernatural wolves, a legion of coyotes and the Wendigo, a cannibalistic Native American spirit”).

Today, the Hollywood Reporter says that in the most recent script, the werewolves were gone. …And it was STILL going to cost $250 million. Why the what I don’t even…

According to sources who have read recent drafts, three massive action set pieces involving trains remain, including one described as the biggest train sequence in film history.

Was a it a train sequence EVEN BIGGER THAN A MISSILE THE SIZE OF THE CHRYSLER BUILDING??!? Anyway, you’ll be glad to learn that they’re still trying to get this film made, and the latest is that Jerry Bruckheimer and director Gore Verbinski have lowered their fees by $10 million (!!!) and trimmed the budget to around $242 million. But Disney still wants it at $220 million or less. And even at that price, they claim it would have to gross $800 million worldwide just to turn a profit. Holy. Sh*t.

Even at the cost Disney has targeted, the film would have to gross about $800 million worldwide to be profitable when marketing and rich backends to Depp, Verbinski and Bruckheimer are factored in.

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It shows how jaded I am that when I reported on Disney shitcanning Jerry Bruckheimer’s Lone Ranger movie yesterday, it didn’t even occur to me to ask why a movie that was presumably a traditional western had a $250 million budget. (As Brendon at Durden wrote, “It’s a lot of money, but try to think of even one western that cost less that 200 million. You can’t name even one can you? If you wan’t to film two guys on horses, it’s gonna cost you.”) Well now we have the answer to that question, and it’s werewolves. That’s right, we almost got a $250 million movie called Lone Ranger that was about werewolves.

Co-screenwriter Ted Elliott posted some Lone Ranger plot details on a private writer‘s website, and the writer shared them with Hollywood-Elsewhere:

“It was always going to be a big Bruckheimer CG movie with traditional Bruckheimer elements [and] an eye toward being a tentpole –totally Pirates-style. It was going to be a Tonto show mainly. Tonto as the top dog and more dominant than the Lone Ranger. Tonto and the Indian spirits like Obi Wan Kenobi and the force. The driving engine was going to be Native American occult aspects worked in with werewolves and special effects, [b]ut flavored with doses of Native American spirituality in a serious way.” [hat tip: Screenrant]

Indeed, because what better way to honor Native American mysticism than through a European myth recently repopularized by a kid with washboard abs in a movie about sparkly white vampires based on a book written by a Mormon? Jesus, my head hurts. This is why I hate Bruckheimer movies. You can see an excerpt from the screenplay to the right.

“But then Cowboys & Aliens came along and tanked and Disney got cold tenderfeet, spooked by the idea of a pricey mashup. If Cowboys & Aliens had made $200 million, this wouldn’t be happening. A Bruckheimer-style western in the wake of Cowboys & Aliens is nothing anyone is feeling secure about at this stage. Trust me, the writers of tentpole garbage are all scared now.”
“Depp’s interest in playing Tonto is about fulfilling his Marlon Brando legacy,” the director-writer believes. “Depp is partly Native American himself and he was partly mentored by Brando, who was a big Indians’ rights advocate. So he didn’t want to do any kind of jaunty performance that plays it light and spoofy with the Native American thing. No Captain Jack crap this time around.”

Man, someone at Cowboys & Aliens deserves a gift basket for killing this project. I also like how the writer throws around Indian-related terms like “tenderfoot,” like the dude who spent two weeks in London who now calls everyone “mate.” “Haha, sorry for the confusion there, kemosabe. You see I picked up all this ‘injun’ slang (as they call it) when I was studying Native American culture to write a film in which Johnny Depp fights werewolves.”

Disney, under the same leadership that killed such projects as The Proposal 2, Wedding Banned starring Robin Williams, Wild Hogs 2: Bachelor Ride, and Robert Zemeckis’ planned mo-cap Beatles movie, has thrown another turd down the sh*t tunnel to hell, presumably thanks to chairman Rich Ross and his big swinging pimp cane. The Lone Ranger movie, which was set to star Armie Hammer as the Lone Ranger and Johnny Depp as Tonto, with the Anti-Christ Jerry Bruckheimer producing, will no longer be moving forward at Disney. YAY!

To the block quote! (*jumps on Jewish lawyer’s back*) HI HO, SILVERMAN, AWAY!

In a stunning development, Disney has shut down production on The Lone Ranger, the Gore Verbinski-directed period Western that was to star Johnny Depp as Tonto and Armie Hammer as the title character. Jerry Bruckheimer is the producer and the script is by Justin Haythe. I’m told this all just happened, and Disney pulled the plug because of the budget. I’ve heard the filmmakers were trying to reduce the film’s cost from $250 million (some even say $275 million) down to $232 million. But it wasn’t the $200 million that Disney wanted to spend. And between Depp, Bruckheimer, and Verbinski, the gross outlay on the film is substantial. [Deadline]

I know a lot of you probably love Johnny Depp no matter the cost, and are sad about this because Depp and Verbinski worked together on Rango, but the last time Bruckheimer produced a movie for Depp and Verbinski, it was Pirates of the Caribbean 3. Bruckheimer hasn’t produced a decent movie since the 90s, and even that requires getting creative with the definition of “decent.” Well, except for Kangaroo Jack, obviously. Kangaroo Jack was the bomb.