Only an idiot would expect a fifth Die Hard movie directed by the guy who did Max Payne and Flight of the Phoenix to be any good, but it’s still impressive the degree to which it’s been able to limbo under even the lowest of low expectations. And you need only read reviews for 5 Fast 5 Furious or The Last Stand to see how willing critics are to praise a film just for fulfilling the basement-level expectations set by their own marketing. While only seven reviews are in so far (and I made Laremy a deal where I’d have to see this if he’d see Inside the Mind of Charles Swan, so look forward to that), A Good Day to Die Hard is currently pitching a perfect Bucky Larson. For the uninitiated, that’s like a knuckleball that no one can hit because it’s so sucky.

Everything that made the first “Die Hard” memorable — the nuances of character, the political subtext, the cowboy wit — has been dumbed down or scrubbed away entirely. -AO Scott, NY Times

Loud and tedious, “Die Hard” 5 is a shaky-cam/Sensurround blast of bullets and bombs, digital explosions and death defying feats of defying death. Not a decent villain or catchphrase in it  -Roger Moore, McClatchy

Hired hack John Moore taps into the McClane mythology to drain any lingering humanity from the Die Hard series. -John Semley, Slant

A complete waste of time on every level. Loud, obnoxious, boring, cartoonish, morally reprehensible, and just plain stupid. -Brian Tallerico, HollywoodChicago

An asinine, immobile feature that’s dripping with trendy cinematography and toxic banter, while a visibly bored Bruce Willis hobbles through this dud, putting in the least amount of effort possible. -Brian Orndorf, Blu-Ray.com

There’s no artistry to Moore’s work, he’s simply a factory employee who knows how to work a punch press, and his take on the world of “Die Hard” is dispiriting and borderline offensive. -Brian Orndorf, Blu-Ray.com

I can’t decide which scenario is more exciting, Die Hard maintaining its perfect zero percent rating, or reading the barely-perceptible praise from the first critics to rate it “recommended.” On another note, I’m a little sad that so far, no one’s gone with the obvious New York Post-ready headline, “Ho Ho No.”

Considering the title of Die Hard 5 is A Good Day to Die Hard, and it already kind of sounds like something we would’ve come up with as a joke, I guess it’s fitting that the tagline is definitely something we would’ve come up with as a joke. “Yippee Ki-Yay Mother Russia,” because it’s set in Russia, you see. By the way, does that make this the official spelling of “Yippee Ki-Yay?” Because to be honest, I probably would’ve spelled it “Yippie kai-yay.” I mean who’s to say whether “ki” should rhyme with “high” or with “key,” right? Job one is being clear. GRR, PHONETICS. Also, if you’re going to directly address Mother Russia like that, you should at least use a comma.

There’s also a new trailer after the jump. I’m not saying the movie’s going to suck, and I actually kind of liked the last one, except for the dumb sequence where McClane fights a Harrier with semi-truck (which was like 20 minutes long), but it doesn’t bode well that they brought in John Moore, the director of Max Payne and Flight of the Phoenix (and the writer of Hitman and Swordfish). I’m not sure if that qualifies as a step down or a step up from Len Wiseman, but the fact that we’re even asking is a bad sign.

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Tom Rothman, CEO of Fox’s film division, was a guest on Jim Rome’s radio show this morning, where he revealed that the title of the upcoming fifth Die Hard movie will be “A Good Day to Die Hard.” After that, Rome kept calling him “Tanya” until he flipped over a table. Seriously though, what the hell was that guy doing on Jim Rome?

In any case, this means that before settling on A Good Day to Die Hard, Rothman and Fox must’ve rejected any number of “die” title puns, which may or may not have included:

• Die Hard Another Day
• Live and Let Die Hard
• 2000 Ways to Die Hard
• Romeo Must Die Hard
• Die, Die, Die Hard My Darling
• To Die Hard For
• Funny or Die Hard
• Get Rich or Die Hard Tryin’
• John Tucker Must Die Hard
• The Quick and the Die Hard
• Things to Do in Denver When You’re Die Hard
• The Die Harder They Come
• Die Hard Ticket to Hawaii
• Damn, Girl, You’re Gettin’ Me So Die Hard Right Now
• To Live and Die Hard in LA
• Boys Don’t Cry Hard
• Pie Hard
• Schindler’s Die Hard

Meanwhile, here’s some actual information that was revealed:

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Noam Murro had been attached to direct Die Hard 5 since June, taking over for Live Free or Die Hard’s Len Wiseman, who’s now directing a Total Recall remake starring Colin Farrell. But Murro recently had to leave the project in order to work on the 300 sequel, 300: Battle of Artimisia. BUT FEAR NOT, DEAR READER! THAT WON’T STOP HOLLYWOOD’S PLANS FOR DIE HARD NUMBER WHATEVER THIS IS!

Who will take the helm in his place? Nothing is definite yet but our sources tell us that John Moore (Behind Enemy Lines, Max Payne) has been told that the film is essentially his to take or leave.
While the directing situation on Die Hard 5 is not yet clear we do have the first real plot details for the picture. In keeping with the trend of each Die Hard movie being larger than the last the fifth installment is going to move into international territory. Our sources tell us Die Hard 5 will be set largely in Russia with John McClane accompanied there by his son and the two drawn into a conflict with local forces. Cue multi-generational wisecracking. [Twitch]

Just to recap, the director of the previous unnecessary sequel left to do an unnecessary remake, and then his replacement left to do an unnecessary sequel. And now the unnecessary sequel to the last unnecessary sequel will probably be left in the hands of a guy who last directed a universally-pannedadaptation of a videogame. And people say Hollywood’s out of ideas.

I remember Ben Stiller making fun of Die Hard when Ben Stiller still had a show on MTV.