Good news, everyone!  Alex Proyas, director of The Crow and Knowing, among other films, has signed up to direct a Hollywood film adaptation of Paradise Lost, John Milton’s legendary 17th-century English poem about the battle between angels and demons.  Now, personally, I love me nothing more than some 17th-century poetry.  Hell, I practically majored in it at queer school.  Being the cultured intellectual that I am, I’d be interested in a very faithful, very artistic interpretation of the work, featuring costumes and British accents and Kate Winslet.  But I realize that kind of thing is not for everyone.  But you’re in luck, beefcake, because this AIN’T YOUR GRANDPA’S PARADISE LOST!  THIS ONE WILL HAVE AIRPLANES AND P*SSY AND 3D! OOH WAH-AH AH-AH BUKKAKE SQUAD!

The project tells the story of the epic war in heaven between archangels Michael and Lucifer, and will be crafted as an action vehicle that will include aerial warfare, possibly shot in 3D. [Variety]

(*NIC CAGE bursts through the door wearing a ridiculous wig*)  “The Pentagon called me, rogue John Milton scholar Jefferson Davis St. Cloud, because they know I’m the best!  The chairman of the Harvard classics department said I was crazy!  HAHAHAHA– well who’s crazy now?  That’s right, I’VE DISCOVERED A TRANSCRIPT OF LUCIFER’S PLANS ON THE BACK OF THE GETTYSBURG ADDRESS!  QUICK, THERE ISN’T MUCH TIME!” (*flies off in personal helicopter*)

^{“Beat it, hippies.  Put on some clothes before I taze your asses.”}

English poet John Milton’s 1674 epic about the fall of man, Paradise Lost, is the source material for two competing film productions.  Oh man, this is gonna be just like Volcano/Dante’s Peak.

Veteran producer Martin Poll has joined with Granite Entertainment and STV Networks to mount an indie version of “Paradise” that has been gestating for nearly four decades and could enter production as early as the summer. If so, it could find itself going up against a competing version of “Paradise” that Legendary Pictures and Vincent Newman Entertainment have been developing [which, as of two years ago, was trying to get Daniel Craig or Heath Ledger for Lucifer. Oops. -Ed]. Poll began pitching a film version of Milton’s epic poem in the late ’60s.

Although he couldn’t interest a studio at the time to make a movie about Satan’s fall from grace, his temptation of Adam and Eve and the first couple’s subsequent banishment from the Garden of Eden, Poll began working with British author and screenwriter John Collier, who wrote a screenplay, which was published in book form in 1973.  In the past year, the project has taken on new life: Poll has teamed with producers Hank McCann, Bob Knotek and Jonas McCord. [THR]

So let’s see… Some chick gets talked into tasting the “forbidden fruit” by a giant snake, and it basically ruins everything forever.  Anyone else get the feeling this whole thing was written by a dude whose girlfriend cheated on him with a guy with a big dick?