When you’ve got a movie about robots that punch each other starring Josh Duhamel, you can’t hire just any actors.  Which is why it’s with a sigh of relief and a robust queef of contentment that I report that Transformers 3 has added Oscar winner Frances McDormand and Oscar nominee John Malkovich to the cast.  I don’t think I could sum it up any better than /Film:

Michaelbay.com was updated this morning, with Bay writing that he has “just locked in” Frances McDormand and John Malkovich as cast members for Transformers 3. According to Deadline, McDormand will have a major role in the film as the National Intelligence Director, while Malkovich will play “Shia’s character’s first boss.” Those who think that the casting of McDormand and Malkovich represent an upgrade in terms of acting pedigree for this series should remember: these are the films that cast Cannes Best Actor award-winner John Turturro and forced him to a) Get pissed on by a robot, and b) Show his ass cheeks for no reason whatsoever.

Whoa whoa whoa, let’s not look a gift shot of John Turturro’s ass in the cornhole here, ingrate.  Anyway, /Film goes onto report that Community‘s Ken Jeong has also landed a part in the movie. I think I have an idea how that will turn out…

MUDFLAP and SKIDS, pants sagging, loudly talking jive, wheel into Korean grocery store and begin reading Black Tail Magazine.

KEN JEONG walks out from behind counter

KEN JEONG
How many time I tew you, my store not ribrary! No read magazine! You buy or you reave!

Read the rest of this entry »

If I’d had room for a longer headline, it would’ve been “John Malkovich confirmed as villain in that Spider-Man 4 movie that might not happen.”  Which is to say that the rumors about him playing the Vulture seem to be true, insofar as he’ll be playing the character if that character actually ends up in the final script — Spider-man 4 currently being on hold while Sam Raimi and Sony work out their story differences, one of which being that Raimi wants Vulture as the villain and Sony wants someone else.  Phew.  From BadTaste.it (via GeekTyrant):

When conductor Simona Ventura asked [Malkovich] about his role of Vulture in the movie, he not only didn’t deny his involvement, but confirmed that he’s waiting for the final script to be sent to him, and that the movie has been delayed. He also hopes that shooting will begin as soon as possible.

It’s my job to report this stuff because it’s big business and people care, and even I care, to some degree, but every time I write about comic book movie production troubles, I get this mental image of two middle-aged guys in suits and briefcases in a board room pouting and refusing to talk to each other.  “You know Jenkins?  He thinks Mighty Mouse could beat up Superman.  Guy’s a f*ckin’ child.  I can’t even look at him.”

John Malkovich and Anne Hathaway have been named as the villains Vulture and Vulturess in Spider-Man 4.  Movieline, reporting an exclusive, describes them as ‘circling’ the project, though it’s unclear if that means they’re close to a deal or if it’s just a forced vulture pun.

If negotiations proceed according to plan, Malkovich will be playing Spider-Man’s nemesis the Vulture, who packs a punch despite his advanced age. The Vulture is able to fly through the air and brandish his sharp wings to attack Spider-Man.
Hathaway is currently the top choice for Felicia Hardy, who’d been long-rumored as one of the new characters in this installment.  However, unlike in the comic books, this Felicia Hardy doesn’t transform into the Black Cat. Instead, Raimi’s Felicia will become a brand-new superpowered figure called the Vulturess.
What does this mean for poor Dylan Baker [the "what does cum mean" guy in Happiness], who’s patiently played Curt Connors in the last two installments? As much as it would seem that the series is setting up his eventual transformation into supervillain the Lizard, we hear that the suits simply can’t bring themselves to sign off on such an odd-looking enemy — instead, they’d rather hew closer to villains with a human face.

It’s fun to imagine a room full of grown men in suits debating the relative merits of various Spider-Man villains.  But I can’t argue with choosing Anne Hathaway ‘s face over a big CGI lizard.  I’d pick Anne Hathaway’s face over just about anything.  I’ve been shooting my webbing at it for years.

FACT: Black Spider-Man shouts “SKEET SKEET!” when he shoots his webbing.

Haha, just kidding, you guys, Sarah Jessica Parker isn’t actually in this Secretariat movie. I was just making a joke because, I don’t know if you’ve heard this, but many people say she somewhat resembles a horse.  No really, it’s true.

Dylan Walsh, John Malkovich and Scott Glenn are saddling up for “Secretariat,” the story of the horse that won the 1973 Triple Crown.  Diane Lane stars as the horse’s owner Penny Tweedy, the housewife who broke though a gender barrier to usher Secretariat to greatness. Walsh plays Lane’s husband, a successful attorney who is accustomed to his wife being at his beck and call.  Malkovich plays a charismatic trainer who underestimates the power of Secretariat; Glenn is a southern-bred aristocrat who loses the horse in a coin toss. [THR]

Hey, didn’t we already make this movie when it was called Seabiscuit?  A different horse wins the Kentucky Derby every year, they don’t all need movies.  When you break it down, a horse just happens to be the only animal stupid enough that you can not only climb on its back, but whipping it actually makes it take you places faster.  Try pulling that sh’t with a retarded kid.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.  You don’t even have to promise the horse anything.  You just scare it, which isn’t hard because it’s an idiot, and then if it’s more scared than the other horses you start treating it like it’s the effing pope.  Screw horses.  The only way I’m seeing this movie is if it’s about a guy who boxes horses.  Cinderella Horse, they could call it.  Because hits them so hard they lose a shoe, you see.

Why scour the internet for PICTURES OF MEGAN FOX NAKED when you can find pictures of Megan Fox wearing a corset on the set of Jonah Hex right here?  Call me old fashioned, but I like this corset stuff much better than a MEGAN FOX LESBIAN GANGBANG or an AMPUTEE MEGAN FOX MIDGET BUKAKKE ORGY.  Anyway, about Hex, it co-stars John Malkovich and Josh Brolin and comes from Horton Hears a Who director Jimmy Hayward. Word on the street is that there aren’t any MEGAN FOX NUDE SCENES.

Malkovich is using vodoo to raise an undead army of confederate soldiers and Brolin – as Jonah Hex – will try to stop him. Fox will play Leila, a gun-wielding beauty and love interest for Jonah. [BadandUgly]

If Megan Fox actually was an 1860s prostitute, she’d probably smell like hobo nutsack dipped in pigsh*t.  And you’d probably still hit it anyway, wouldn’t you, you disgusting pervert.  I tried tilting my monitor up to try to peek up her crotch, but it didn’t work. :-(

[more pics at BadandUgly]