As has been previously and unanimously agreed upon by everyone in the world, RED 2 is the most anticipated sequel of 2013, and it should already be awarded all of next year’s Academy Awards. But even with everyone on this planet in absolute agreement on that – with the lone exception being Vince, because he only watches movies that have the word “Movie” in the title – Summit Entertainment has still released a second trailer in case there were people living deep in the rain forests who hadn’t decided if they’d see it on the opening weekend or not.

Bruce Willis returns as Frank Moses, as he and Marvin Boggs (John Malkovich) must enlist the help of a Russian scientist (Anthony Hopkins) who has been locked up for 32 years to recover a bomb that he built during the Cold War. The only problem is that he’s batsh*t looney tunes now, which should lead to even more zany adventures for this gang of old farts teaching the new generation of assassins a thing or two. And this time Helen Mirren has been enlisted to stop Frank, which has left us with some wonderful GIFs.

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“And you’re not coming back, Richard Dreyfuss, because you were shot in the head.”

Some unnamed people around here like to make fun of a movie like RED, because it featured an ensemble cast of older actors as former CIA agents and international spies, and that’s just goofy because Viagra jokes and broken hips, LOL! So forgive me if I’m a little more enthusiastic than a certain someone else today, because RED, which starred Bruce Willis and John Malkovich as retired CIA killers, is one of my favorite movies of the past few years, and I will stop whatever I’m doing and watch it whenever it’s on cable.

So when the trailer for RED 2 was released in January, I was extra excited, because Anthony Hopkins is joining the crew of old farts, and it allowed me to wonder if they’re going to bring back Brian Cox as Ivan Simonov (he’s not listed on the sequel’s cast) and maybe use some suspended disbelief to tell us that Morgan Freeman didn’t really die.

Well, good news for me, because Summit Entertainment is moving up RED 2’s release date from August 2 to July 19 because I’ve been a good boy this year.

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All the stars are back for Red 2, which loses director Robert Schwentke and picks up Dean Parisot, who did both the delightful Galaxy Quest and the virulently unfunny train wreck, Fun with Dick and Jane. And what is a sequel to Red if not a perfect showcase for an auteur?! I kid, of course. So between this, Bullet to the Head, The Last Stand, the six Expendables movies, etc., we really don’t get tired of watching 60-year-olds shoot stuff, huh? I wonder if John Malkovich will get his bullets switched with his Viagra pills before a big assassination with the Japanese. So much wackiness would ensue! It’s weird to me that Tarantino makes a movie about slavery and never stops getting asked about “normalizing violence,” yet every year, at least 20 of these “(INSERT STAR HERE) is a spy” movies come out where the entire trailer is nothing but sanitized murder, and no one bats an eye. My guess is that by the time a reporter actually puts pen to paper, she’s forgotten the entire movie even existed.

Oops, I meant to say THIS LOOKS GREAT! BRUCE WILLIS IS FUN! HURPITY DING DONG PEW PEW!

This is the trailer for Red, from Summit Entertainment.  It’s based on a comic book and I didn’t cover it much, because during production, it sounded like the most generic action movie ever:

Red is the story of Frank Moses (Bruce Willis), a former black-ops CIA agent, who is now living a quiet life. That is, until the day a hi-tech assassin shows up intent on killing him. With his identity compromised and the life of the woman he cares for, Sarah (Mary Louise Parker), endangered, Frank reassembles his old team (Morgan Freeman, John Malkovich and Helen Mirren) in a last ditch effort to survive.

So basically Watchmen meets A-Team meets Bourne meets Killers/Knight and Day/Mrs. Smith.  The premise couldn’t possibly squeeze in more overused plot gimmicks, short of adding vampires.  There’s also the matter of the director, Robert Schwenke having previously done Flightplan and The Time Traveler’s Wife.  And yet, dare I say it, it actually looks fun.  I guess casting Bruce Willis, Helen Mirren, John Malkovich, Mary Louise Parker, and Morgan Freeman goes a long way.  It also helps that Bruce Willis never tells Helen Mirren to count to three, only to have her ignore him and flail screaming into a hail of bullets like a retard.  GET IT?  IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE GIRLS ARE STUPID!  I’ll take this over Knight and Day any day.  Or knight.

Do yourself a favor and see Jonah Hex while you still can.  Yes, I’m serious.

A few years ago, when I finally got around to seeing the Nicolas Cage version of Wicker Man, I was equal parts delighted and pissed.  Delighted I was witnessing such a beautifully ridiculous spectacle, and pissed that no one had told me about it sooner.  All I heard about it when it came out was that “it sucked”, and it was quickly shuffled out of theaters and forgotten.  What those same people had apparently neglected to mention was that NIC CAGE PUNCHES A WOMAN WHILE DRESSED AS A GOD D*MNED BEAR. What the hell, people?  Help a brother out.

Everyone seemed hung up on the filmmaker’s intention.  Look, the filmmaker’s intention is not my concern. I just know I would trade 100 “eh it was okay I guess” films for one Wicker Man.

Today, I find it within my power to prevent at least one similar oversight.  I’m here to tell you that, short of Josh Brolin dressing like a gorilla and pushing Megan Fox down stairs,  Jonah Hex is this year’s Wicker Man.  I was disappointed when the Frotcast listeners voted that we see it.  I expected to hate it and be bored.  Instead, I laughed almost continuously from the opening credits to the closing ones (not a huge commitment considering it’s only 72 minutes long).  More incredibly, I was not stoned.

This movie has everything.  EVERYTHING CATCHES FIRE!  EVERY BAD GUY GETS KILLED TWICE! SILLY WIGS FOR EVERYONE!

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