This is the trailer for Red, from Summit Entertainment.  It’s based on a comic book and I didn’t cover it much, because during production, it sounded like the most generic action movie ever:

Red is the story of Frank Moses (Bruce Willis), a former black-ops CIA agent, who is now living a quiet life. That is, until the day a hi-tech assassin shows up intent on killing him. With his identity compromised and the life of the woman he cares for, Sarah (Mary Louise Parker), endangered, Frank reassembles his old team (Morgan Freeman, John Malkovich and Helen Mirren) in a last ditch effort to survive.

So basically Watchmen meets A-Team meets Bourne meets Killers/Knight and Day/Mrs. Smith.  The premise couldn’t possibly squeeze in more overused plot gimmicks, short of adding vampires.  There’s also the matter of the director, Robert Schwenke having previously done Flightplan and The Time Traveler’s Wife.  And yet, dare I say it, it actually looks fun.  I guess casting Bruce Willis, Helen Mirren, John Malkovich, Mary Louise Parker, and Morgan Freeman goes a long way.  It also helps that Bruce Willis never tells Helen Mirren to count to three, only to have her ignore him and flail screaming into a hail of bullets like a retard.  GET IT?  IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE GIRLS ARE STUPID!  I’ll take this over Knight and Day any day.  Or knight.

Do yourself a favor and see Jonah Hex while you still can.  Yes, I’m serious.

A few years ago, when I finally got around to seeing the Nicolas Cage version of Wicker Man, I was equal parts delighted and pissed.  Delighted I was witnessing such a beautifully ridiculous spectacle, and pissed that no one had told me about it sooner.  All I heard about it when it came out was that “it sucked”, and it was quickly shuffled out of theaters and forgotten.  What those same people had apparently neglected to mention was that NIC CAGE PUNCHES A WOMAN WHILE DRESSED AS A GOD D*MNED BEAR. What the hell, people?  Help a brother out.

Everyone seemed hung up on the filmmaker’s intention.  Look, the filmmaker’s intention is not my concern. I just know I would trade 100 “eh it was okay I guess” films for one Wicker Man.

Today, I find it within my power to prevent at least one similar oversight.  I’m here to tell you that, short of Josh Brolin dressing like a gorilla and pushing Megan Fox down stairs,  Jonah Hex is this year’s Wicker Man.  I was disappointed when the Frotcast listeners voted that we see it.  I expected to hate it and be bored.  Instead, I laughed almost continuously from the opening credits to the closing ones (not a huge commitment considering it’s only 72 minutes long).  More incredibly, I was not stoned.

This movie has everything.  EVERYTHING CATCHES FIRE!  EVERY BAD GUY GETS KILLED TWICE! SILLY WIGS FOR EVERYONE!

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(Not pictured: Pigtails, a lollipop)

Jonah Hex opens in three weeks and WB just released this new trailer.  It’s chock fulla crossbows and gatling guns and explosions and rock music, and CGI crows climbin outta people’s mouths.  CAW! CAW! BANG! F*CK! I’M DEAD!  …TICK TICK TICK…. SLUTS!  Looks like Megan Fox brought out her little girl voice for this one.  I mean, I know she’s playing a whore and all, but I think she’d be sexier if she didn’t play it, you know, so whore-y.  It’s like I tell my girlfriend, you don’t have to be someone else, just cover your c-section scar, it makes it easier to pretend. I also would’ve enjoyed it if before Josh Brolin blew the f*ck outta something, he yelled to John Malkovich’s bad guy, “Hey Malkovich, think fast!”

That’s really all this one needs. (*chucks beer can at pigeon*)

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WB and Legendary Pictures’ Jonah Hex has been plagued by bad buzz — rumors of another director being brought in to do reshoots (Horton Hears a Who‘s Jimmy Hayward had never done live action before), plus the general concern that, even though the movie opens in June, we hadn’t seen a trailer before today.  But now that it’s here, it looks basically like the graphic-novel western that was promised.  GRRR, RAP-ROCK AND GATLING GUNS AND AND ONE LINERS AND EXPLOSIONS!!!  Tick. Tick. Tick… SLUTS!

And what else would you expect from the screenwriters who did Crank? It’s got a pretty good cast: Josh Brolin, Will Arnett, Michael Fassbender, John Malkovich, and Megan Fox’s ridiculous accent, so who knows.  It’ll probably be really stupid, but I’m holding out hope for awesome-stupid, like a retarded kid jumping through a flaming hoop. You’d be amazed at what you can get them to do with a bullwhip and upside-down chair.

So Disney made this movie, Secretariat, which tells the “impossible true story” of a copywriter who doesn’t care about the literal meaning of words of an unlikely racehorse with a quirky trainer, who helps save a struggling farm, and proves that women can own horses just as good as men can (no, really).  Sample dialog from the trailer:

“SECRETARIAT IS NOT AFRAID AND NEITHER AM I.”

“THIS IS ABOUT LIFE BEING AHEAD OF YOU… AND YOU RUN AT IT.”

“OUR FATHER’S FARM HAS BEEN LOSING MONEY FOR YEARS.  WE NEED A CERTAIN TOUCH, NOT A HOUSEWIFE.”

“YER CHANGIN’ THAT HORSE’S LAAHFE.”

“NOPE.  THAT HORSE IS CHANGIN’ MAAHNE.”

Okay, so I made that last part up.  This is not actually about Sandra Bullock teaching a horse to play football. That is the subject of another Disney movie, Air Bud 12: Hoof it to the Colisseum.  This one is basically Seabiscuit 2.  How to sell such a movie?  Why, with a picture of John Malkovich looking like he’s about to bite into my face like an apple, of course.  Dude spent a lot of time with horses during filming.  Like, a lot of time.

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