"No, YOUR Oscah's queah."

Matt Damon was set to make his directorial debut with Gold Mist (which I assume is a love story between a queef and a golden shower), co-written by Damon from a first draft by author Dave Eggers (who also wrote Where the Wild Things Are and Away We Go). Only now, Deadline reports that Damon couldn’t commit the time for prep and pre-production, and has handed directing duties to Gus Van Sant, who directed Damon and Affleck’s Oscar-winning screenplay for Good Will Hunting.

The catalyst for the project was John Krasinski, who is making the transition to features as he wraps the final season of the NBC sitcom The Office. Krasinski had an idea for a film that had resonance in the current climate of economic hardship caused by corporate greed. Krasinski paid Eggers to write the first draft, then showed it to Damon and Producer Chris Moore while the latter were making The Adjustment Bureau, which starred Damon and Krasinski’s wife, Emily Blunt.

Gold Mist, is a Capraesque tale in which Damon and Krasinski play rival corporate executives. Damon plays a sales executive who arrives in a small town only to have his whole life called into question. [Deadline]

This is probably unfair, but when I imagine the three of them writing this together, I picture Matt Damon and Dave Eggers bouncing ideas off each other while John Krasinski just sits there making the occasional smug douche face.

Dolphin Tale, the heartwarming true story of how Morgan Freeman built a robotic tail for an injured dolphin discovered by Marine Biologist Harry Connick Jr., and in the process inspired injured veterans, taught a young boy the power of love, and showed an estranged father that you’re never too old for redemption, opens this weekend. And I’m sure it’s no coincidence that Universal chose this week to release their trailer for Big Miracle, which used to be called Everybody Loves Whales, but now makes a fine addition to the describe-your-penis-with-a-movie-title canon.

Point being, it’s a pretty pathetic move, trying to steal Dolphin Tale‘s marine mammal thunder like that. Drew Barrymore and John Krasinski rescue trapped whales in Alaska? Really, guys? That‘s your story? Oh, please. I’ve watched Drew Barrymore. I’ve seen movies with Drew Barrymore. Drew Barrymore is no Morgan Freeman. And it would be insulting to even compare an accomplished jazz pianist like Harry Connick Jr. to a two-bit smirk peddler like John Krasinski. Oh, look at you, Captain Clever. You’re just so pleased with yourself, aren’t you. Yeah, you’re a real Wry-an Reynolds. Take your dumb whales and go home, this is dolphin country.

[Apple via RopeofSilicon]

As you’ll see later today, I often write film reviews.  But since my site isn’t all film reviews, I have the freedom not to review every film, such as the ones I can tell ahead of time aren’t my cup of tea, and will serve only throw off the curve when I’m trying to form an opinion about something I actually care about later.  Have you ever read an aging critic who’s had to suffer through every Larry the Cable Guy armpit fart and Katherine Heigl queef balloon (or their earlier equivalents) for the last 30 years?  Even the good ones eventually go crazy, just look at Peter Travers.  Last I heard, the man was trying to hail a cab with his own feces.  In any case, this idea eventually gave birth to this game we play, where we take a movie most of us will never have to see, and try to recreate the entire plot using only expository quotes from the poor-bastard critics forced by hateful editors to suffer through it.  We try to use only their faux-neutral summary sections, but the beauty of it is, their utter disdain often still manages to shine through.

Today’s victim is Something Borrowed, starring Kate Hudson.  If you’ve ever seen a movie before, you should know the entire plot of a movie called Something Borrowed starring Kate Hudson ahead of time, but these poors sons of bitches went anyway.  Here’s a cross section of their screams as Kate Hudson spike heeled their testicles (or ovaries).

Ginnifer Goodwin stars as Rachel, a lonely, insecure flibbertigibbet with a knack for getting herself into embarrassing situations. Kate Hudson plays Darcy, her best friend since childhood, but the two have grown into very different people: Goodwin a shy, steady, humble professional and Hudson a bubbly, narcissistic party girl. -AV Club

Darcy and Rachel, both lawyers, live in New York — a place, as rendered by the director, Luke Greenfield, from which anyone seeking diversity and glamour would surely flee for Omaha. -NY Times

(At one point we do see an extra on a park bench engrossed in “Something Blue,” by Emily Giffin, who also wrote the best-selling novel on which “Something Borrowed” is based.) -NY Times

“Something Borrowed” introduces us to Rachel, on the night of her 30th birthday. She’s quietly freaking out about the passage of time because she’s still hopelessly single, the clichéd trademark of so many chick-lit heroines. Meanwhile, her closest pal is about to marry Dex (Colin Egglesfield), Rachel’s good friend from law school. -AP

…a hot rich guy as passive as he is handsome. -EntertainmentWeekly

Read the rest of this entry »

Oh please oh please oh please....

While we wait patiently for the studio to set a release date for A Little Bit of Heaven, in which Kate Hudson stars opposite Whoopi Goldberg and the hollowed-out corpse of Gael Garcia Bernal, we’ve got a new trailer for Kate Hudson’s other movie, Something Borrowed, to tide us over.  This one stars Ginnifer Goodwin as a cute lawyer who falls in love with a guy at law school, only he ends up getting engaged to Kate Hudson after a charming mix up at a bar (HAHA, ISN’T THAT ALWAYS THE WAY).  On the eve of the wedding, Ginnifer Goodwin sleeps with him and wouldn’t you know it (*RECORD SNATCH*) it’s actually her that he loves!  Her sassy gay friend John Krasinski yells, “RACHEL YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!”, but will she realize in time???

I could probably predict everything else that happens in this movie, if only I wasn’t Terry-Schiavo-with-a-feeding-tube-filled-with-paint-chips level dumb! ;-(  I better go see it!

Meanwhile, in I-sh*t-you-not-this-is-actually-true news, there’s already a plan in place for a Something Borrowed sequel, entitled… wait for it… Something Blue.  Yeah, something blew alright, Kate Hudson’s last 10 movies. (*shoots toy pistol, flag falls out reading “THAT’S A BURN”*)  I’ve seen snuff films less offensive to women. (Granted, I’ve seen a lot of snuff films.  Like, a LOT.)

Read the rest of this entry »

There’s a lot of news about awful movies out there today, folks, so to keep from aggravating the tendinitis in my dismissive-wank elbow, I’ve combined it into one post.  Now put on your stupidity helmets because it’s about to get groan-y.

Kevin James to star in Here Comes the Boom for Sony/Happy Madison.  The star of Chuck & Larry, Paul Blart, Grown Ups, and Zookeeper will co-produce with a guy who did Knight & Day, The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, and Adam Sandler’s upcoming Jack and Jill (in which Sandler plays both Jack and Jill).  The script will be written by the guy who wrote Zookeeper, the animals-give-Kevin-James-dating-advice movie.  Between the three of them, they have a worse resume than Pol Pot. The logline is being kept tightly under wraps, but I’ll bet you a million dollars it’s about a fat guy whose pants keep falling down.  |Variety|

Katherine Heigl to star in Bitch the Bounty Hunter.  Lionsgate acquired distribution for One for the Money, starring Heigl, based on the Janet Evanovich novel.  “Stephanie Plum (Heigl) can’t catch a break. At 30, she finds herself newly-divorced, recently laid-off, and living with her hamster in Trenton, N.J. Broke and desperate, she lands a job working for her slimy cousin and his bail bond business. In need of fast cash she latches on to his biggest case – a local cop wanted for murder who just happens to be the guy that broke her heart in high school.” Whoa, what happened? I blacked for a second there.  Anyway, I think the operative phrase here is (*fart sound*). |ComingSoon|

John Krasinski and Drew Barrymore in a rom-com about whales. Krasinski plays a journalist who falls in love with Green peace activist Barrymore while covering a story about four whales trapped under arctic ice in 1988.  It’s set to be directed by Ken Kwapis of License to Wed, about which The Guardian wrote (and I’m not making any of this up): “If Josef Goebbels had a home movie made of the failed 1944 Hitler assassins being hanged from meathooks with piano wire. It probably had more laughs, more fun, more feelgood moments than this family comedy.”   Guess you can only go up from there.  |Deadline|