Nicolas Cage is currently in America’s toupee Canada for the Toronto Film Festival, promoting his new film Trespass, which also stars Nicole Kidman and is directed by Joel Schumacher. The film is about a wealthy family that is kidnapped and held for ransom in their own mansion, but Cage told reporters that the idea of home invasion hits a little too close to, well, home for him.

It turns out that he, too, has been a victim.

*plays Danny Elfman soundtrack, throws Magna Carta into a fire, starts dream sequence*

“It was two in the morning. I was living in Orange County at the time and was asleep with my wife. My two-year old at the time was in another room. I opened my eyes and there was a naked man wearing my leather jacket eating a Fudgesicle in front of my bed,” he told reporters on Wednesday.

“I know it sounds funny … but it was horrifying.”

(Via)

It’s not funny that his home was broken into by a man with poor mental health, as much as it’s funny that this story was better than the plot of any movie Cage has starred in over the last decade. Take Trespass, for instance.

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DANCE OFF!

Joel Schumacher, the man who put nipples on the bat suit, is back, coming off a film which rated 4% on Rottentomatoes and earned less than a million dollars (and before that was The Number 23, which rated 8%).  But he’s got a surefire plan to resurrect his career: NIC CAGE! In Trespass, whose trailer is below, Cage and Nicole Kidman play a rich couple whose house gets invaded by robbers like in Panic Room, but then some other stuff happens to make it different probably. And then Nic Cage is all, “If it’s money you’re after, I can tell you that I have none. What I do have is a big weird forehead and grating voice that make me a nightmare for people like you, people with eyes and ears.”

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Drop your c0cks and grab your smocks, folks, for today I come to you bearing VERY IMPORTANT NEWS. It turns out Joel Schumacher (Good ol’ Schu), the man who put nipples on the bat suit, is attached to a new project.  And I don’t think it’s hyperbole to say that it could potentially be the BLOCKBUSTER TENT POLE OF NEXT SUMMER. Quoth the nerds of Pajiba:

Joel Schumacher has apparently signed on to The Barry White Story, according to The Hollywood Cog [Pajiba's source for studio scoops]. It’s not what you think (a Barry White biopic). It’s much, much, much worse. The pitch, which comes out of the Hollywood Gangs Production company, is in the vein of SHE’S OUT OF MY LEAGUE, and it’s about the ghost of Barry White teaching some loser kid how to channel him to get a girl.

Oh hell yes!  The hip-black-guy-teaches-dorky-white-guy-to-loosen-up gag literally NEVER GETS OLD. (And when white people dial a phone, they be all like “Beep bop boop beeeep…”)  Although I must admit that as far as movies based on Hitch go, this sounds a lot like the upcoming Kevin James film, Zookeeper, in which Kevin James gets dating advice from zoo animals.  To avoid a Dante’s Peak/Volcano situation here, couldn’t we just combine these two?  Why couldn’t Barry White’s ghost team up with zoo animals to give Kevin James dating advice?  That sounds perfect.

KEVIN JAMES: (*sigh*)  Another girlfriend gone.  Who’s ever going to love a fatty like me?  (*splits seat of pants, cries, eats pie*)

(BARRY WHITE’S GHOST rides in on a zebra, singing “Can’t Get Enough of Your Love”)

BARRY WHITE’S GHOST: Look here, brotha, it ain’t about the paunch you packin’ if your style is silky smooth, ya dig?  Now the big man said he’d let me come back here if I passed on my legacy of lovin’ all the lovely ladies before high-blood pressure comes a-callin’, but times a-wastin’, so I brought some friends along.

(*baby hippo farts, hyenas laugh, Fox execs throw poop at each other*)

There’s a new, super long, nonsensical trailer out for Twelve, from director Joel Schumacher, starring Hollywood super twink Chace Crawford.  It premiered at Sundance, and though Sundance was originally supposed to be for independent, up-and-coming filmmakers, apparently it’s now for guys who made millions directing abominable Batman movies and their vanity projects starring famous people and rappers.  It’s sad, Robert Redford is probably turning over in his grave right now.

From what I can tell, Twelve is a Bret Easton Ellis-ish story (based on a 2002 Nick McDonell novel) about a drug called twelve, rich kids in their bras, über douche-nozzle PC from NYC Prep jizzing his pants, and Fiddy Cent taking some drugged-up slut to the candy shop.  The actual plot is hard to glean, so after the jump, I did the old recreate-the-plot-using-negative-reviews trick again.

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Lost Boys news means Greasy Sax Dude video.  It’s the law.

Even after Corey Haim spent thousands of his own money promoting himself and filmed a “reality” show, his hopes for a movie career still seem to be tied to continuing the Lost Boys franchise, which isn’t really a franchise.

“I’ve seen the whole movie LOST BOYS: THE TRIBE], I don’t like it, to be honest with you,” Haim tells SpookyDan on the red carpet of the 6th annual Eyegore Awards. “I’m not gonna lie to you, I don’t like it as much as the first one,” he continues, “There’s HALLOWEEN 1 and 2 and then there’s 3 that has nothing to do with Michael Myers…. We went from LOST BOYS 1 to, let’s say just like a neutralized, keep it hot and fresh LOST BOYS 2, and [now we'll] hopefully go for the LOST BOYS 3 thing, which is gonna happen.”

The Lost Boys came out in 1987.  21 years later they did a direct-to-DVD sequel.  It’s about as fresh as a Bangles t-shirt.  Point being, can someone give this guy a GD job?  If Hasselhoff still gets to be famous, Corey Haim should get something. Read the rest of this entry »