SITE NEWS: Hey, gang, Vince here, live from Comic-Con. I hope you’ve been enjoying Burnsy and Robopanda today. I won’t be able to post a picture diary just yet, but to tide you ever until then, I wrote a Captain America review. I won’t lie to you, I’d been drinking. BUT WAIT! THAT’S NOT WHAT ‘FILMDRUNK’ MEANS! Aw, crap, now I’m never going to be respectable.

When writers Christopher Markus and Stephen McFeely brought in their first script pages to Marvel, and the head honcho over there saw them, I imagine he lit up a fat cigar, leaned back in his chair and said, “Fellas! Why, when I hired a couple a knockaround slapdicks like yous, I never realized I was dealing with artistes!  This is real grade-A stuff here!”

“Well… thank you, sir. We were… sure hoping you’d like it.”

“You’re damn right I do! In fact, boys, I’m giving you a raise! I know, I know, I’ll nevah hear the end of it from the board. But to hell wit ‘em! Don’t none of give a damn about talent like I do! I take care of talent! Ain’t that right, boys?”

“Sure! And… thanks for the raise, boss. You… really didn’t have to.”

“Like hell I didn’t! Boys, boys like you turn in tip-top woik like this and I don’t reward it, it’s a damned slap in the face to every working Dick out there! It’s unfair! And I’m a fair guy! Ain’t a I faiyuh guy, Sammy?

“You’re a fair guy, boss. Da fairest.”

“Can it, Sammy.  Boys, consider it an investment. And I hope yous fellas got more top-notch writin’ where that came from, because we start shootin a week from Tuesdy.

“A week?!? But, sir! We’ve only got the first act! It took us eight weeks!”

“And a damn fine first act it was. Damn fine! Wasn’t it fine, Sammy?”

“Fine, Boss. Da finest.”

“Put a sock in it, Sammy. Now, relax, boys.  Todays’ Sundy, so you’s got 10 days. You yids. Always worryin. Just take ya foist act, Raiders of the Lost Ark the rest, and we’re all on easy street.  Trust me, these small-time schlubs’ll nevah know da difference!  The heavy liftin’s all done!”

“But–”

“–And if ya can’t get it done, I got me a couple dagos out in Long Beach’ll finish it for half price.

“But–”

“Hey! What am I, just talkin for my healt ova heah? I ain’t payin’ you fruitcakes to play grabass. Now chop chop, time is money.”
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Captain America is probably going to suck, but at least now it has a trailer and poster that will help you pretend it won’t for a few minutes.  The most solid trailer to date, this one shows how it was that the CGI weakling Chris Evans (a 90-pound asthmatic) came to be recruited into Operation Steroids Are Awesome by America’s foremost big-titted scientist (not to be confused with Blake Lively, America’s foremost big-titted test pilot). Sgt. Von Spectacles, Stanley Tucci, tells Drill Instructor McPockmark, Tommy Lee Jones, that the qualities he’s looking for are “more than physical,” the same lie I’m constantly telling Match.com. That’s when he throws a fake grenade on the ground and Chris Evans immediately dives on it like a Jersey Shore castmember (I’m sorry. So very sorry.). After that, he’s in. Then they shoot him full of ‘roids and shave his chest, and all the chicks’ panties get moist while Tool plays. USA! USA! USA! (*points foam #1 finger, helicopters penis*)

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Del Toro with his agent

In 2008, Universal replaced director Mark Romanek with Joe Johnston a few months before shooting began on Wolfman, and had David Self do a rewrite.  The film came out in 2010 and was a critical and commercial failure (budget: $150 million, worldwide gross: $139 million). Then Marvel hired Johnston to direct Captain America so no one can say Hollywood doesn’t learn from its mistakes.  But Universal had planned Wolfman as the first of a lucrative franchise, and stupid ideas die hard (possible title for next Die Hard sequel?).  So now, instead of the sequel they had planned, they’re “rebooting” the Wolfman.  Which, again, came out last year. They’re considering calling it “Werewolf.”

Universal were considering doing a sequel to the recent – god awful – ”The Wolfman”, which featured Benicio del Toro as the sharp-clawed Talbot – that’s no longer the case. Michael Tabb’s script is being rewritten and reworked to be an original film – almost a reboot of the classic Universal monster movie series.
If anything, this new film – they’ve yet to decide on a title though I hear “Werewolf” is popular -will share a link to the original George Waggner film (from 1941) rather than Joe Johnston’s ill-fated 2009 remake.
As I said, the Universal project is currently undergoing a rewrite; it is likely headed before the cameras in the Fall. The studio is said to be talking to prospective directors over the next couple of weeks. Casting will begin shortly thereafter. |Moviehole|

Maybe get Joe Johnston to direct?  I hear he has a lot of juice right now.  And instead of “Werewolf,” maybe call it “Taylor Lautner.”

Boy, this new set of Captain America adult Halloween costumes looks really good– wait, you’re saying these are the actual movie posters?  Oh crap.

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It seems a little anti-climactic after we’ve already broken down homoerotic sunglasses guy and reintroduced Expository Tommy Lee Jones, but now Marvel has released the full trailer for Captain America: The First Avenger.  There’s not a lot to say about it considering we’ve already seen the bulk of the footage, but I’d have to say my favorite part is the way they set up the character by having pre-Captain America Steve Rogers attempt to use a trash can lid as a shield.  HURRRR, FORESHADOWING!  He was DESTINED to become Captain America, you see!  COLONEL!  HAVE YOU SEEN THESE TEST RESULTS?  THE BOY SCORED IN THE 98TH PERCENTILE IN SHIELDING INSTINCTS!

I wish they’d gone this direction with Thor, where the entire first act is just Thor looking confused and sad, trying to hammer railroad spikes with a reuben sandwich.

[Directed by Joe Johnston, starring Chris Evans, Tommy Lee Jones, Hugo Weaving, Stanley Tucci, opens July 22nd]