Coincidentally, this headline is also the title of my future memoir.  Anyway, I’ve got a couple of trailers for new 3D flicks to show you. *puts on 3D glasses, unzips pants*

First, Piranha 3D.  I guess the only difference between this time and the other two times we posted the trailer is that hopefully this one doesn’t get taken down within the hour.  It stars Ving Rhames as Glib, the fearful black dude and Christopher Lloyd as a wide-eyed scientist who just happens to be the foremost authority on expository dialogue.  Anyone else think he’s laying it on a little thick?  Relax, guy, you don’t get paid extra for that.  Beyond that, there are lingering, gratuitous shots of large, gyrating breasts, which I appreciated.  A few of them were attached to Kelly Brook and porn star Riley Steel.  Speaking of which, when do we finally get to see that 3D porn?  Adult cinemas have suffered enough.  I think this could really get people publicly masturbating in theaters again.

Next up, the international trailer for The Hole in 3D, a 3D adventure from Gremlins director Joe Dante.

The film tells of a family who move into a new home and discover a hole in the basement that plays on their darkest fears. Teri Polo, Chris Massoglia, Haley Bennett, Nathan Gamble and Quinn Lord star.

Damn.  Remember when holes in your basement just led to secret dimensions where you could party all night with monsters, eating candy and playing video games?  I miss the 80s.

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This is the teaser for the new web series Splatter, from b-movie super-producer Roger Corman and Gremlins director Joe Dante.  It premieres on at Netflix.com/Splatter on Halloween.  I’m not sure what the goal of this teaser was, but if it was to make me feel incredibly uncomfortable then quickly shut my laptop and throw it in a trashcan and light it on fire, well done.  (And that was before the shooting. The shooting was actually the least uncomfortable part.)

[via Twitch]