Casey Affleck’s Joaquin Phoenix documentary, I’m Still Here, opens next month and now it has a teaser trailer.  I must say, it seems to be taking itself rather seriously for a movie about Cleveland Steamers and cape shopping.  I don’t get it.  This whole thing seemed like a stunt from the very beginning, and the fact that there was a documentary about it seems to corroborate that.  It’s funny as a huge practical joke, so why are we still trying to sell it as some artsy, fall-from-grace documentary?  It wouldn’t have been quite as dramatic if Tony Montana had spent the second half of Scarface deciding he wanted to become a mime and rubbing his wiener against people on the subway.  Anyway, the whole trailer is narrated by the Scorsese-movie version of an Apache medicine man who tells Joaquin that he’s a “mountain-top water drop” (buttercup baby just to let me down…).

That’s you. [pointing at drops of water] Drops of water.  And you’re on top of the mountain.  A success.  But one day you start sliding down the mountain.  you think,wait a minute, I’m a mountain-top water drop.  I don’t belong in this valley, this river, this little dark ocean, with all these drops of water.  Then one day it gets hot. And you slowly evaporate into air.  Way up.  Higher than any mountain top.  Then you understand that it’s at your lowest that you’re closest to God.

If that’s true, what about the part where the water drops are covered in sh*t?  I guess I don’t understand these fancy metaphors.  However, if you listen closely during that speech, you can almost hear the sound of Terrence Howard playing the bongos.

Also, is it just me, or does Joaquin Phoenix kinda look like the pregnant Asian dude?

Matt Dentler over at Indiewire spotted these stencils in Chelsea this morning, featuring the silhouette of Joaquin Phoenix, suggesting that his Cleveland Steamer movie, I’m Still Here, has begun its guerilla marketing campaign.  It opens September 10th, and here’s some of what you can expect:

Snorting cocaine, ordering call girls, having oral sex with a publicist, treating his assistants abusively and rapping badly.  Several buyers said the film overflowed with Hollywood debauchery, including more male frontal nudity than you’d find in some gay porn films and a stomach-turning sequence in which someone feuding with Phoenix defecates on the actor while he’s asleep.

Meanwhile, I’m Still Here director Casey Affleck is running a guerilla marketing campaign of his own by getting sued twice for sexual harassment.  Last week it was Amanda White, one of the documentary’s producers, suing for $2 million.

According to White, Affleck tried to get her to share his hotel room midway through shooting, and when she didn’t go for the idea, he “became hostile and aggressive,” sent her “abusive” text messages, and refused to pay her agreed-upon $50,000 producer fee. White also alleges that Affleck created a hostile work environment by referring to women as “cows,” talking about “his sexual exploits and those of other celebrities that he actually witnessed”, and employing prostitutes — allegedly actresses — “for his personal gratification.” [iVillage]

Today, it’s the cinematographer, suing for the same amount:

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Magnolia pictures has acquired distribution rights for Casey Affleck’s documentary, I’m Still Here: The Lost Year of Joaquin Phoenix, with a plan to release it September 10th, starting in limited release and going wide a week later.  Why is that awesome news?  Well, here’s what we know about it so far.  From a report of the film when it screened for buyers:

It’s far from the Joaquin Phoenix you’re used to seeing onscreen: snorting cocaine, ordering call girls, having oral sex with a publicist, treating his assistants abusively and rapping badly.  Several buyers said the film overflowed with Hollywood debauchery, including more male frontal nudity than you’d find in some gay porn films and a stomach-turning sequence in which someone feuding with Phoenix defecates on the actor while he’s asleep.

Well now you’re speaking my language.  Non-consensual Cleveland Steamers are my favorite kind of Cleveland Steamers.  There was also this story:

Phoenix was spotted pawing through racks of clothes at Red Balls on Melrose, where he finally grabbed a black velvet cape, black trousers and mesh top, ducked into a dressing room – and began belting rap songs. Emerging in his new outfit, he told the salesgirl he’d be wearing it home. Nervous, she asked: “What form of payment will you be using today, sir?”… then nearly jumped out of her skin when Phoenix banged down a wad of cash and yelled: “MONEY!”

That was the sales girl’s fault.  You see a guy in a cape and a mesh t-shirt, just assume he’s paying in cash, trust me.  In another funny twist (well, maybe not funny “ha ha”), Magnolia is the same company that put out Two Lovers, the movie Phoenix was supposed to be promoting when he was sticking his gum under Letterman’s desk, for which he took heavy criticism.

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As you may know, the search is on for Edward Norton’s replacement as The Incredible Hulk, and I’ve been busy greasing up my Russian roulette pistol in preparation for the inevitable flood of casting rumors and counter-rumors.  Last we heard, an offer was out to Joaquin Phoenix.  But today, Nikki Finke at Deadline is claiming an EXCLUSIVE (that’s the stage of grief just before “TOLDJA”) that Mark Ruffalo is in “late-stage” discussions to take over the Hulk role.

Imagine the Hollywood actor whom you’d least expect to play The Incredible Hulk in The Avengers, and maybe, just maybe, you’d come up with the name of Mark Ruffalo. He’s always been an actor’s actor and is getting critical raves in Focus Features’ The Kids Are All Right which opened last weekend. But I’ve learned that he’s now in late-stage discussions between Marvel and his brand-new agency United Talent to play this key member of The Avengers ensemble. Like Edward Norton, whom he’d be replacing, Ruffalo would bring real chops to the role. But, unlike Edward Norton, he wouldn’t an on-set assh*le.

She’s right that Ruffalo wasn’t the first person I thought of for the Hulk, but now that I think about it, he’s actually perfect.  Rugged, but not too old; bookish but not unathletic; and perhaps most importantly, understated and reserved, which would provide a nice contrast between calm Bruce Banner and the Hulk, when he starts busting through his clothes and flipping over cars like Stallone on an HGH bender.  It would even more amazing if they could get Mel Gibson to play a drunken, racist, woman-hating Hulk.  But they’ll probably just make him all-CGI again like a bunch of lazy wetbacks.

What?  Yes, CGI wetbacks, that’s exactly what I meant.  Whatever.  I’ll give YOU a dangling modifier.

I hate reporting speculative, comic-book-movie casting because it almost never turns out to be true, and only leads to yet more asinine counter-rumors. But what can I say, I couldn’t resist sharing the notion of a harelip Hulk.  (Making light of others’ disabilities, that’s what we do here).  CHUD says Marvel’s offer to take over for Edward Norton as Hulk is out to Joaquin Phoenix.  That sounds pretty weird, but all Joaquin aside, he is a really good actor. (I hate myself for that).

Reliable sources tell me that Marvel has already put out an offer, believe it or not. Phoenix is taking time to mull over the offer and the bigger implications – Marvel may yet resurrect the Hulk franchise – but Marvel hopes to have him in place by Comic Con, which is when they want to announce their new Bruce Banner.

As of right now treat this as a rumor, as I was unable to get solid confirmations or denials (it’s the weekend!). Phoenix might very well turn the studio down – I’m hearing that whoever plays Banner will be the lowest man on The Avengers pay totem pole – but this would probably be a good move for the actor. [CHUD]

I’ve heard Phoenix has already been preparing hard for the role, telling fans who pestered him for an autograph not to make him angry.

PHOENIX:  “Trust me, bro, you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”

PERSISTENT FAN 1: “Aw, but Mr. Phoenix, please?  It’s for my cousin, she’s in the orphan hospital with baby cancer.”

PHOENIX: “AAARRGGGGHHHHH!”

(*Joaquin Phoenix jumps onstage, starts rapping incoherently, trips, knocks over drum kit*)

PERSISTENT FAN 2:  “He’s right, dude, I say we leave.”