The other day Vince and I were making S’mores and chatting about life, when he pointed out that 2011 was the 20th anniversary of the end of the Cold War, that era in world history when everyone lived in pants-crapping fear that the U.S. and Russia were going to destroy us all. More importantly than global genocide and the threat of a nuclear holocaust, the Cold War had an undeniable impact on the movie industry, most notably in creating one of the easiest and most overused plot devices of the last 50 years.

Obviously, the Cold War gave us classics like Dr. Strangelove, The Manchurian Candidate, and the entire James Bond franchise. It also gave us The Hunt for Red October and Tom Clancy’s career, as well as Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and wherever else Shia LeBeouf and his grandfather Harrison Ford take us. It gave us The Manhattan Project, The Good Shepherd, Thirteen Days, Top Gun, Good Night, and Good Luck, and even Salt, which was a modern reminder of just how hilariously off-the-wall – and flat out terrible – some Cold War films were.

In fact, those are the films that I want to celebrate – the movies that both embraced the terrifying nightmare of global war and laughed in the face of four decades of silent terror. Because without them, we’d probably all be living in mountain bunkers or adapting to our tentacles.

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Joaquin Phoenix’s rap career didn’t really work out (and yet Willow Smith’s did, go figure), so now he’s back to taking real acting jobs. Namely, Twitch brings news that Joaquin is attached to an untitled political satire from Spike Jonze and Charlie Kaufman (the team behind Adaptation, and pretty much my favorite director and writer, respectively). Oh I’ll play your game, you rogues.

In March, Deadline described the story as “a satire about how world leaders gather to figure out all the seismic events that will take place in the worlds [sic?], from oil prices to wars that will be waged.”
Things have been quiet since but Twitch has learned that Warner Brothers have now also come on board. Plot details remain sketchy but Joaquin Phoenix is attached to star and Vincent Landay to produce with a March 2012 start date eyed for production. [Twitch]

It’s fun to give Joaquin sh*t (or take actual sh*ts on him while he’s sleeping like in I’m Still Here, whatever the case may be), but if I’m Still Here proved anything, it’s that he’s a brilliant (and clearly committed) actor. If Joaquin and Casey Affleck had approached their documentary from the standpoint of “look at this hilarious poop prank we’re going to film!” instead of “think of the profound implications of this ingenious Banksy stunt we pulled on the media and what it says about our times!”, it might have actually been good. (Yes, the media will write about you if you act insane and let your friends dook on you, brilliant deduction there, Einstein). Let’s not forget, Spike Jonze and Charlie Kaufman made Nic Cage look like Philip Seymour Hoffman, I’m sure Joaquin Phoenix will be fine. Handling crazy weirdos is kind of what they do.

We’ve known about Clint Eastwood’s planned bye-oh-pic of J. Edgar Hoover since April, and the last we heard, he wanted Leonardo Di Caprio to play Hoover. At some point, Joaquin Phoenix was discussed for Clyde Tolson, Hoover’s protege and lover.  (Oh yeah, spoiler alert, J. Edgar Hoover was gay). Anyway, Reuters recently spoke to Eastwood, and they discovered part of the story wasn’t true.  Guess which part.

“No. I don’t know where that came from…didn’t he become a rapper?” Eastwood said, when asked about recent reports Phoenix was being considered for the role. Phoenix had taken on rapping in a hoax that surrounded the making of a mock documentary film called “I’m Still Here” about his supposed transition.
Oscar-winning director Eastwood did say that DiCaprio definitely wants the role of Hoover. “It’s a great role for him,” Eastwood said, adding that the film’s makers were “in the process” of signing contracts with DiCaprio. [Reuters]

“This one here, didn’t he go off to make the jungle music?”

“No, no, Clint.  It was just performance art.  A ‘mock-joaqumentary’, some people are calling it.”

(*cocks pistol*)

“You see, the rap stuff wasn’t for real, that was just our meditation on celebrity culture.  As Pablo Picasso once said, ‘Art is the lie that tells the tru–’”

“Is someone gonna get this jabberin’ gook off my lawn?”

The big news today is that Joaquin Phoenix went on Letterman last night, this time not in character.  You can hear all about it from boyish wonder Matt Ufford over on WarmingGlow, but probably the best exchange was Dave demanding money for his appearance in I’m Still Here, now that they’ve publicly admitted it wasn’t a strict “documentary.”

Joaquin: “Can we talk about it privately?”

Dave: “Yeah, I’ll go to one of your screenings.”

ZING!  Seriously though, well played, Letterman.  Meanwhile, over on his blog, Roger Ebert published an email exchange with Casey Affleck about the documentary concept which is worth a read, if you’re into that sort of thing.  My sister was a reader.

The bottom line: Casey Affleck thinks of it as a performance and not as an act, and he thinks of “I’m Still Here” as a film, and not a hoax. In an interview where he revealed details behind the making of his controversial film with and about Joaquin Phoenix, he also said:

- David Letterman was not in on the performance, and what you saw on his show was really happening.

- Phoenix dropped out of character when he was not being filmed or in public.

- The drugs and the hookers were staged. The vomiting was real. [phew!]

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Apparently working alphabetically through Urban Dictionary sex acts, Joaquin Phoenix is following up his Cleveland-steamer performance art documentary (more like performance FART *toilet flush* slow and go out there, look out for brake lights)… with a comedy in which he plays a “a footware designer with an intense foot and shoe fetish.”  Wait, Cleveland Steamer, C…. Shoe Fetish… S… HEY! Did they skip over glass-bottom boat again?  Ugh, this always happens.

Phoenix has been getting offers for movie roles and is currently attached to a project called titled Big Shoe in which he will play a footware designer that has an intense foot and shoe fetish. The script has been described as being “out there but cool” and blends the line between comedy and drama. Steven Shainberg, best known for the 2002 Maggie Gyllenhaal film Secretary, will direct. [CinemaBlend]

A meta-fetish foot-sex dramedy? I mean, that could be cool, as long as they’re treating it ironically. (*strums ukulele, throws away Keffiyah scarf for being too corporate*)  Anyway, Vulture today adds that Mia Wasikowska from Alice in Wonderland has also joined the cast.  I guess I’m not weird enough to understand the it’s-sexy-because-she-wants-to-be-his-slave angle to Secretary, but everyone with even a passing interest in S & M and bondage seems think it’s super sexy (don’t ask me how I know, dude, I’ve worked some weird places). Maggie Gyllenhaal showed her boobs a lot, so there’s that.  Hard to say if we should expect similar with Wasikowska, but I’ll be happy only when all the foot-fetish guys are rounded up and sent to camps.  Seriously, those weirdos are creepier than the human centipede guy.   Even tentacle rape makes a sick sort of sense.  But feet?  What the hell is wrong with you, man.