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~ robopanda [Thanks to ohhaveyouseenthis for the video]
This news item comes from Mike Walker’s National Enquirer column, which generally contains 99% made-up bullsh*t. But what can I say, I couldn’t resist a headline like “Joaquin Phoenix goes crazy while buying a cape.”
It’s no hoax, folks - Joaquin Phoenix is one nutty fruitcake! The looney-toony star, dressed like a homeless derelict and muttering to himself nonstop, was spotted pawing through racks of clothes at Red Balls on Melrose, where he finally grabbed a black velvet cape, black trousers and mesh top, ducked into a dressing room - and began belting rap songs.
Emerging in his new outfit, he told the salesgirl he’d be wearing it home. Nervous, she asked: “What form of payment will you be using today, sir?”… then nearly jumped out of her skin when Phoenix banged down a wad of cash and yelled: “MONEY!” [Editor's note: Again, possibly not true, but awesome. I'm totally stealing that.]
Said an eyewitness: “He mumbled madly while the girl counted out his change and offered him a bag for his own clothes. Joaquin never said a word, rushed out of the store wearing his velvet cape - and dumped his old clothes in the nearest trash can!” [Nat'lEnquirer via Celeb]
The eyewitness probably didn’t say that with an exclamation point, but Mike Walker’s keyboard is stuck on ‘breathlessly homo.’ Anyway, I hope Casey Affleck’s documentary comes out soon, because I’m starting to like this character. And I don’t know how he’s going to top himself short of pooping in random baby strollers. Same thing happened to Sean Young. It was …quite sad.
Two Lovers, James Gray’s romantic dramedy starring Joaquin Phoenix and Gwyneth Paltrow, has grossed only about $2,000,000 domestically despite positive reviews. Naturally, Gray says the low gross was all C-Joaq’s fault.
“It’s like, Letterman was trying to get the movie out there, but the only thing that’s out there now is a crazy person with a beard making a fool of himself!” says Gray, still seething today at the “circus” surrounding Phoenix. Phoenix claims to be leaving the world of acting to become a rapper, albeit one with a camera-wielding brother-in-law, Casey Affleck, in tow. Gray spits at the name, calling him a “clown”. “I have no idea what the hell that guy is shooting,” he says. “The whole thing is not to my taste, and I’ve let Casey know this.” [timesonline]
Look, dude, it didn’t bomb because Joaquer Texas Rapper was acting crazy, it bombed because the casting was weird. If you want to make a non-traditional Hollywood rom-dram, don’t cast it like an US Weekly cover. However, no arguments about Casey Affleck being a clown. I just wish Crispin Glover had crashed through the window singing “Clowny Clown Clown” to properly illustrate the point.
Joaquin Phoenix was recently spotted in Miami sporting the oh-so-convenient EZ Comb (as seen on TV!). I say convenient because it was easier than making t-shirts that say “I’m pretending to have a breakdown!”
[via ONTD, thanks RoboPanda]
Following up on this morning’s story about Joaquer Texas Rapper diving into the crowd at his concert in Miami last night, here’s the video. Is that Jerry Lawler down there? I can’t tell.
Adds commenter 6waysfromsunday (and I have no reason to disbelieve an internet handle and avatar): “I live in Miami and a couple of my friends went to this. They said it was TOTALLY FAKE. For one, Joaquin went after a girl. Secondly, when he got to her he just waited for the bouncers to obscure the audiences view of them fake fighting. And the MC was joking about it. Third, Affleck didn’t even get involved. Just kept taping and giggling. GIGGLING THAT HIS BROTHER AND LAW WAS CHRIS BROWING SOME HOTTY.”
